CrunchyJfish🪼

Sound on.

Problematic me, insufferable you, forever insanely cool us.

jared likes to make evan’s coffee every morning, specifically how he likes it but he has a small thing to take a sip before giving it to him almost an indirect kiss

jared likes to steal kisses every time he passes by evan but very soft gentle ones you can almost forget in a minute

they eat off each others plates even if it’s the same meal because it somehow tastes better and they never mind it

they send texts to each other even if theyre both in the house together so while evan is downstairs jared will text him upstairs asking him to come here and evan will say no you come and they go back and forth

to them grocery shopping is a little thing of themselves and almost a date but jared always makes evan mad for adding junk into the cart and he lectures him for 40 mins in the freezer section about artificial sweeteners effecting the brain’s development (absolute bs he read from an article that isn’t true)

evan will always wait for jared to come to bed no matter what EVEN if he’s on the verge of falling asleep because he physically can’t sleep knowing he’s not beside him (they sleep on the phone whenever jareds away on a business trip)

jared is the most annoying husband ever and has this thing for singing random house songs so evan will say im making dinner and jared will repeat in full opera tune heeeee’s makiiiiing dinnerrrrrrrr and evan hates it

evan rambles a lot to jared since he has no other friends (he never learned to socialize after highschool) so he talks about almost everything absentmindedly even if jared has no idea what he’s saying but majority of the time it’s about an article he read on buzz feed or something about his garden

they fold laundry together but when i say they i mean evan does all the work while jared purposely folds the incorrectly to make evan mad

despite being in their mid thirties they still laugh like idiots over past insides jokes like they’re just cute old married men talking about a random moment in their past thats so stupidly funny to them they start laughing so hard and evan snorts which causes jared to laugh even harder and makes evan laugh more and they’re holding onto each other and they’re like stop stop im gonna pee but they keep laughing and jared rolls off the bed laughing

whenever evan says i love you jared never says it back IN ENGLISH that is because they have this thing where jared always replies back with je t'aime aussi hansen (when they first began dating they watched a french film where the main character said to the love interest and mocked him and evan snorted soda out his nose and its stuck ever since)

jared can’t stand if evans clothes are wrinkled or closely off so he always fixes his clothes or something simple like straightening his collar or brushing lint off his sweater

jared warms up evans side of the bed no matter what because he absolutely knows evan enjoys the warmth so while evans getting ready for bed jared will just lay on evans side first so it’s warm for him without any warning

an instinct of evan is to always peel things for jared like tangerines or pistachios so while jared rambles about his day evan will sit crisscrossed on the floor quietly peeling and feed them to him

evan hates driving late at night so jared always takes care of it and evan doesn’t argue because he knows jared can hear the exhaustion in his voice plus evan sleeps early so it’s just a matter of knowing him

evan isn’t always a big eater and never finishes his food so he always saves the best bite of food for jared like the piece with the most sauce, the piece with more filling, or just the perfect amount of balance he’ll save it and spoon it into jareds mouth

evan can’t use chopsticks to save his life so it’s a real struggle when they order in chinese but not to worry because jared feeds evan with chopsticks so he doesn’t feel weird using a fork and evan can’t recall the last time he’s manually eaten chinese food without jared feeding him

evan isn’t a bad fan of having grey hairs despite the cause of 99.99% of them being by the stress jareds (annoying) ass causes so every month or so he’ll sit on a random stool while jared helps him add the hair dye and spread it evenly (jared doesn’t care about his silver bits so he doesn’t bother doing the same)

personally evan isn’t a religious person but he celebrates christmas and jared is canonically jewish so together unironically the invented their own holiday called hanukkmas and every year they gather with their separate dishes with family and friends and enjoy together

lastly ! I’ve had a headcanon about them having a cat since hmm maybe late 2023 / early 2024 ish ?? but anyway his name is cedar and he’s old as FUUUCCCKK……. evan got him as a therapy cat around college and he absolutely hates jareds guts and pisses in his shoes whenever he gets the chance

(okay so this isn’t a specific headcanon but it’s now I view them ,, like as characters so well yes still a headcanon)

jared is a mixed mexican american jewish guy,, he has brown hair and eyes plus fairly tan skin but he never goes outside much…… i think he’d have a lot of moles but most are on his back so theyre rarely seen and he’s like 5’6 with his height booster shoes (he’s never beating the allegations)

Bad day, good love (kleinsen)

Slightly ooc n I apologise for that I js wanted to draw loser #1 comforting loser #2

KLEINSEN YAOI BEAMMMMMM

Accidental kleinsen confession

"Evan." Jared's voice was sharp. Probably because it was the sixth time he'd told Evan to stop tapping his pen since they'd sat down to start homework an hour ago.

"Sorry." Evan put the pen in his backpack so he'd stop unconsciously reaching for it. It wasn't usually this bad, but he felt weird today. More so than usual.

In third period, while Evan was staring at his calculus problem hoping it would change into something he understood, he started listening to the girls next to him as they gossiped about their other friend.

Mostly it was stuff he didn't care about, but then he heard one of them say,

She and Jared are like, a thing now.