For the girls with universes inside their heads

We will cook and I’ll write something in my diary to get all of the brilliant, sad, silly thoughts out of my head and I’ll fall asleep so close to him that I finally feel what the abstract word safety means. Because I feel save. Because I am safe.

I thought of all the times when the world was too much for me and I just disappeared. When life felt like wading through water, like escaping a quagmire, like being always a little too early or too late or simply not enough.

Find a place that leaves you breathless, that feels like home and an adventure at the same time. A place where your hair can be as wild as your dreams and when you are there, they almost seem to be close enough to reach. A place where you can cry into your cup of tea with no one who will judge you for doing the right thing in the wrong place. Where you can be afraid and brave and live in the moment when all you ever did is analyzing the past and planning the future. Where you can be you, even if you are still not exactly sure who that is.

I wanted to have someone by my side who matters and he simply didn’t. But now I have someone in my life who does.

And when I stopped looking for love, it found me on a cold Novembers night, and I was stunned, and sanguine, and maybe be a little drunk. Love didn’t feel like an adventure anymore, it felt like the home I was alway searching for. It felt like I have been looking for the right thing in all the wrong places before, and now I was exactly where I should be. It wasn’t like the movies promised, or the books guaranteed - it was a little quieter and more demanding, and so much more than they said it would be.

I told him that I always wanted to get rid of the 9 to 5 idea because it won’t make me happy and that I’d rather own a little library, serving tea from all around the world, talking about the weather and the world and why the sky is blue. I'd love to have a very personal connection to all the guests - I’d simply give them a chapter from classic novels that I think they would like and they can enjoy the world of words while drinking something warm and sitting somewhere cosy. The walls would be coated with art and the dark wooden floor would creak and it would smell like cinnamon buns, leather and old books. This is such a typical idea for me - and I think he noticed that, too. My head was resting on his shoulder and he was holding my hand and when he said that everyone is probably going to hate us because we are such a stupid, cheesy couple, I laughed and kissed his hand, still thinking about a good comeback. But there was nothing to deny - we were utterly, madly obsessed with each other.

I smiled when I waved them goodbye and left just to realize that, by the end of the day, all I have is me - I can’t get rid of the way I eat my cereals in the morning or the way I laugh when I hear something funny, the way I fall in love with my eyes closed and my heart so open that it hurts. Now I am 21, and it’s 2017, and I’m still the same girl, I just feel different, but I’m still lost and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be found.

I still believe that all of this matters, that it will make sense someday. And until I figure out what all of these lessons mean, I'll simply keep going, one step at a time. I'll focus on the good things, on the kind souls, on the moments that make me honest and happy and vulnerable. I guess that's the price you have to pay for true happiness anyway - you have to let go of your safe haven and sail into a world of the unknown. I think I'm finally ready for my own adventure - the good, the bad, the truth."

And I realized one simple truth - Just because I am afraid doesn't mean that I can't go after the things I wish for and be the main character in the adventures that could make my heart and mind grow. Sometimes, curiosity fights fear, and in my case, it won.