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@crowsofdreams
Had a gastroendoscopy yesterday. I still feel a bit awful today honestly. Lovely gastroenterologist and staff though, couldn't have felt safer. Signs of acid reflux and stuff and also a tiny hernia apparently 🫠 More to come for this side of my health later in the year most likely. Still waiting for my genetics tests to come back though 😣
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Had my genetic blood test done for recently. Just got to await to hear the results of it now. It was absolute chaos, no blood work forms had been done or anything 🙄 Just hope they're able to analyse it all okay.
if there even is one..
qq.
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So the MRi stuff appointment still hasn't happened. Gotta chase that up soon. But in the mean time I've had really bad stomach issues and my health record now states I have Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease (Gerd/Gord). So that's something, I guess?
Literally had suspicions that I've had this for years but got to the point where I've gaslit myself thinking that everything was just normal. And well... Here I am I guess...
The doctor still hasn't directly told me that I've got it but it's on my health record?
Not every day has to count. Some days are for repairing, resting, mourning. You don't have to perform every day. Some days are for doing nothing. For sleeping all day or being on your phone. Relaxing is ok, allowed and encouraged. Do what you need to do.
Three separate radiologist think my MRI scans are consistent with CADASIL (cerebral autosomal dominant arteriopathy with subcortical infarcts and leukoencephalopathy).
So Ive now been referred to a genetics place to discuss genetic testing to see if it is what I have. Another round of waiting for an appointment I guess!?
No one warns you, when you get the information about potentially life altering diagnosis, how awful the wait feels. It's unbearable, having to just sit and wonder what My tests will show, what the doctors will say, what the next steps are etc.. or even how long it's going to be and how many procedures it'll take before an official diagnosis.
The more I post the more depressed I seem. I really am not, I just seem to have it bad sometimes.
The more days I live the more appreciative I become of everything around me. My heart still beats, and I can still get up and move and see the world. Yet every day I feel like I'm getting worse.
Who knows what diagnosis and hospital appointments will come in the future. I started this world with a whirlwind of them, then it stopped for a while in school and it seems I'm back to the era of appointments again...
I will live, I will thrive and I'll continue to hope.
I appreciate it sounds somewhat deep and pretentious but I do just feel like using this platform to just rant I guess. Better than all the other platforms that's for sure.
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Keeping to Tumblr seems to be the only place free from the awful comments under posts about the Trans Supreme Court ruling in the UK right now. I know not looking at the comments is a better idea but sometimes I just do without thinking.
Being Trans (Masc) in the UK whilst this is going on is kinda scary honestly. I can only hope these protests help and get our message across. Maybe I need a social media stop for a while, but then I also risk not knowing what's going on if anything more does happen.
For now I'll just let out a large sigh, listen to my favourite soundtrack/or playlist and try to get a good night's sleep.
Work asked me to do an extra day of work today. I feel bad for saying no but I'm physically in so much pain recently and working (physical manual work) for four days straight and walking home feels physically impossible.
I have no diangosis for anything and I feel like I'm lying to myself or catch myself thinking I don't "have it as bad as others" constantly. I wonder if my pain isn't really that bad and wonder if I should just "deal with it". I feel so much quilt around being in pain dn not being able to work as fast or as much as others.
Not a dream update but a life update
So I am 11 days on Testosterone and so much has changed in just 11 days that I really didn't think would happen. First off I would say is chest reduction and fat redistribution is just insane. Like I'm only 11 days in and already my body's shape is more of a twig than hour glass and I never realised how bad my dysphoria had been for my hips and body shape prior to T. I always just assumed when people said their chests were smaller on T that it was due to muscle increase but it really did kind of hit and my chest size became smaller which is nice.
Also my legs have already got muscles? In places I've never had noticable muscles before (like lower legs sort of?) And that's super cool. I also seem to be able to reach lower tones easier and speak for longer with a deeper voice but it's not actively dropped or anything I don't think.
(As a side note I have PCOS so idk if that changes things a bit ??)
My dream from last night centered around an event scheduled for a few months time.
My Partner and I were on the way to pick up my mother and best friend to go to the event as my mum had never gone before. And my best friend was coming from abroad to go with us. Half way to my mothers house we realise she doesn't even have the tickets ability to come with us because she didn't book the right days off work.
So we go to pick up my bestie and we drive through London and pick him up seeing all of the buildings and structures of the city ad we drive (barely any other cars on the road). We decide to drive straight to our little hotel th!t we're going to and half way there it starts lightly snowing and the three of us just look at each other like "oh no".
We've stopped at a gas station before long and sit down to eat, where suddenly my dad walks in and joins us, his boots and coat are covered in snow and I look outside to realise our car is so deep in snow and it's a full on blizzard outside.
✨️Then I woke up✨️
Re found this tumblr account I created. I completely forgot it existed. I'm thinking of using this account more for recounting my dreams than a place for mental health/venting.
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There is nothing so disconnecting as feeling like a ghost in your own body.
Did a driving lesson. Somehow ended up 99% non verbal and I don't know if that was from stress, anxiety, or being told things already knew etc..
I've not had issues like speaking for a long time and it only ever happens when I feel not great :/
