stitching myself back together

I can feel them ripping out of me,

Claws and fangs shredding fat and flesh

Cracking ribs and bursting through skin

Spilling my guts and twisting my spine

Convulsing me, breaking me, ruining me

These wretched and cursed emotions

I am scared I will die here,

I can hear your laughter from the hall

You and him. Him and you.

Together.

In a way you never cared to be with me.

I can hear your laughter.

I wish you would love me

I wish you would hate me

I wish you would kill me

I wish you would save me

I wish you would care at all

DID I NOT DESERVE LOVE TOO?

DID I NOT DESERVE REASSURANCE?

Some people do not grow flowers after it rains in their heads

Some people do not have rainbows

Or a calm after the storm

Have you ever been told that you're difficult to love?

So difficult, in fact, that the speaker cannot handle it. Cannot bear a moment more in your presence.

That no-one should love you because no-one deserves to be in that position.

That when, at your very worst, your desperate last grasp for reassurance made you so impossible to love that you should never be loved again for the pain it would cause.

You DM'd me to tell me how one of the other housemates prefers to be treated when she's upset.

And I wonder if you're doing the same thing for me.

Did that ever even matter to you?

||

I guess I live here now, in this cave of my own sorrows.

It's nice to see you both all cute and in love and hanging out and whatever

"You ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they're gonna find out"

I was

They did

How strange it is to feel everything too strongly

I wish I could say I feel nothing

I feel like I feel nothing

The clawing, empty numbness of fog

But within that fog there is sogging rain

And biting cold

And screaming thunder

And howling gales

An unimaginable cacophony of pain and grief and loss and hate and despair

But the fog covers it all as I lie down, letting in the frostbite

Paralysed, unable to step towards any one sensation, but hearing them all

So let me lay here

Let me it all more bearable

How could you see such a frightened creature,

This desperate, skittish, scared thing,