Crownss

I just want to be with him

I just want us to be happy

I don’t want us to be like Mia and Sebastian

Just passings lessons on our way before we settle with someone else

I can’t do that to another person

If I can’t have the love of my life?

I want nothing other than my desire for love to be taken away

He said he needs time but I’m the love of his life

He also thinks I should be with someone else bec he can’t provide for us, he can barely provide for himself

He said he thinks I only love him bec of his height…which I have made a lot of posts about …

Called himself a loser and I started crying bec I know I let him internalize this

I don’t care if he’s poor

He works hard,

he’s devoted to his family and friends,

He took a risk chasing a dream and he did it, even if he doesn’t think it counts

I love that we game together but I also love his love for games, fun, and whimsy in general

He’s indulgent and patient with me, even when we both know I’m being an idiot

No, he doesn’t truly know yet how to care for others but he keeps trying and learning to take care of me

And I want to take care of him in turn

If he lets me

If he’s going to follow her back

Go to her bday party and fuck her

Just to break my heart one more time

Dad told me it wasn’t worth it

That 11 years with me and mom? That little bit of love we had wasn’t worth it

He wouldn’t do it again

And so maybe we started talking about moving in I kept imagining him say that too one day

Or someone else would come in and take him

Or I wake up in psychosis like my mother and try to kill him

So I thought I would just go ahead and destroy us first

Didn’t I always say

The only thing I know is how to break the things I love

I just want him to call me

Or learn basketball?

Even the tallest player on the orioles is 6’4

But I keep imagining complete indifference on his face and I still can’t stop crying

Am I even gonna find anyone taller than 6’5

No more moving in together

No more games or Christmas

This man was willing to break his ideas on marriage for me when I don’t even believe in marriage

And now he can’t stand me?

I know I overreacted but wtf kind of paranoia did he think would set in by refusing an std test???

I don’t think god would refuse a free std screening

Only I have been praying in the oldest names, said in 3s, Yehoshua or Yeshua. Everyday from 2024 to now.

Do you know what Josh my Joshua told me weeks ago? That he was named in the modern version of Jesus. The most modern form of Yehoshua.

When I felt comfort in prayer I simply prayed for another being to come down and comfort me. That if god loved me he would in all his giant golden form come to me.

I rlly thought Josh was going to be the love of my life. Perhaps that was why I was so hard why I keep wanting so much of us. I couldn’t let what I thought was a gift just for me from heaven go to waste.