Loathe - Arm's Length started playing ...

Running water’s cold outside this time of year

It grabs you by the throat

October 12, 3:23 p.m.

Felix has been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder whether he's still out there, walking the empty path through the woods as he usually did. I knew it was one of his favorite things to do. And I would also walk along the path as well. I had a huge crush on him in middle school until my sophomore year, when he had a girlfriend named Gardenia. Not many people, not even my friends, knew this. I wonder how Gardenia is doing, how she felt about him going missing, and whether she has any idea what happened or why he left. It's not surprising that he had a reputation for being a troublemaker and that I was viewed as someone that people should avoid since they believed I had influenced him in that way. As a friend, Felix meant more to me than anyone could ever know. How he never ran away when he heard my dark secrets and how well he understood me as a person. He wasn't like other friends at all, like Minho, who would always show me how much he cared for me, just to treat me like a jerk the next day. Felix was a bright golden star, brimming with joy and warmth. Everyone saw him as a bad boy, but he was more than that. 

We slowly grew apart once he started talking to Gardenia, forgetting about me and moving on from what we once had. This isn’t the first time it has happened. Vanna stopped being my friend for a while until I moved back in and talked again for the first time in many years, but got too busy to keep up with me. Chan has more important things to worry about than his friendship with me. Han, too, is busy with work and only speaks with his possibly long-distance partner on the phone. And since our argument in the woods, I rarely see Minho very often. Dad comes home more exhausted than normal and is only home at night until dawn. Mom is rarely home, I don’t see her in the morning much anymore. I feel like I have no one to talk to now. Other than Aunt. 

I would get sad every time I saw a poster of him missing, wishing he were with me at the moment. I could tell him a lot of things lately and feel so much more at ease and content with him right now. With October being here, many of the missing posters were torn up or flown away due to the recent strong winds. It was a lot more cloudy now, I could barely see the sun.

 A woman was walking toward the board as I was standing there, but she stopped when she noticed the missing poster. I recognized Gardenia right away. With her long, light brown hair and her white dress and Felix's varsity jacket, she looked as beautiful as ever. Given that his disappearance was still relatively recent, her face appeared bloated and puffy, possibly from sobbing. Never could I blame her. I could truly sympathize with her suffering after losing her life's dearest love.

Being around her vulnerability made me feel awkward. I often wonder how she felt about me spending so much time with Felix before they started dating. Despite the fact that I have never spoken to Gardenia in my life, I wouldn't call her a toxic partner just because maybe she was a little envious of us being close friends. I would be, too, if I were in her shoes. People at my high school were often criticizing her for falling in love with a troublemaker. Minho has even talked about how she can handle Felix's long-standing obnoxious behavior. I wanted her to know that I understand him better than just seeing him as the troublemaker, that I'm with her, and that I'm also grieving his absence. It felt awkward again, so I tried to move away, but Gardenia started talking. 

Some rocks and pillows float

Now slip away as I draw near

And hope your head finds home

“When you left, he admired you for being brave enough to finally be the first person to leave the town. He was rooting for you to chase your dreams. He still remembered you and your goals. It warmed my heart, really.”

She was grinning at the missing poster with watery eyes as I stood there, shocked to hear what she was saying. But she continued talking.

“He wished he hadn't stopped talking to you, y’know. He never knew what brought him to do that. I used to kind of blame myself for being the reason that ruined the friendship between you and Felix.” 

I wanted to tell her it wasn’t her fault, but still nothing came out of my mouth. 

“That was one of many reasons why I love him. He’s such a kind, beautiful guy. I just wish… he could see that.” 

Something about the last sentence reminds me of how often he looked down on himself. He was so handsome and charming that many high school girls were smitten with him. He would tell me that he felt uncomfortable with these names and that they made him grimace. I remember teasing him with these names. Such a cute, sweet boy. The sunshine. The star. He looked to genuinely despise it, though. It was sad to witness how much he hated himself. He hated himself too much, to the extent that he attempted to change his entire demeanor and appearance, changing him so drastically that no one recognized him as the sunshine anymore. At the time, it crushed my heart a little. 

Han did not want to talk about him. Hiding several pictures of the three of us, committing small crimes here and there. Playing with pocket knives as if it were nothing. He said he didn't want to look back on it and wasn't proud of it anymore. And Minho didn't like him because he got into too much trouble and tried to pull me along with it. He told me that I couldn't have a friend like him and that he was a terrible influence on me. Hearing that at the moment was upsetting. Chan would stop at nothing to support him because he was his best friend and he loved him. All of a sudden, he was likewise not willing to talk about him. I wonder if they even cared about him at all, of how much he’d gone through. I wonder if that was why Felix ran away, never to be heard of again. Because nobody would ever see him that way. Nobody would believe him.

“You know that abandoned house in the woods? It was our hangout spot. I’m sure you’ve been there with him.”

To and fro

I’ll be silent when you go

I don’t move a muscle 

But you’re breaking all of my bones

Of course, he brought me and Han along with him, just to smoke some pot. 

“He wanted to rebuild that house. Make everything come to life. Just so he could invite you and everyone he loves for a housewarming party. Just so we could get married and have kids. Oh, of how much he told me he was willing to provide for me.” She chuckled at the memory, “we were being so young and naive, but it was such a sweet thought.”

It was. Just like him.

"Cora, I'll just be honest with you right here. He isn't good," Gardenia said, holding my hands and making eye contact. "Mentally. Emotionally. Physically." 

At those remarks, my hands were already trembling and perspiring beneath her palms. 

"I couldn't sleep at night after he told me he wanted to end his own pain. God, it scared me so bad, y’know. I always wondered what he meant by that."

Shit. 

“He could be hurting himself out there. We both know we don’t wanna lose him.” 

It was a lot to think about. 

I've spent several hours pondering Gardenia's words in this abandoned house. The building had two stairs and was somewhat small. The house was already covered in vines. They left a lot of traces here, as I could already see. There is a lot of old ash from past cigarettes in the ashtray that is left on the decaying wooden coffeestand by the window. Long before he left, I figured Felix and Gardenia had taken up smoking. Their blanket was used to cover the bed upstairs, and they collected stacks of books to use as a nightstand next to the bed. The mug that was sitting there had lipstick printed on it. The room was filled with fairy lights. That was Felix's idea, and I knew it. 

I picked up the remote from the bed, figuring it was to switch on the lights. The warm lights flickered briefly as I switched it on before illuminating the entire space. I looked around the room, taking in everything that immediately made me think of him. I took a seat on the side of the bed and put both hands in my hoodie pocket. And simply think. 

I was always by myself when I was thirteen, and the only friends I had at the time were Vanna and Han, of course. Wearing an emo band shirt underneath my dad's old red flannel, I used to give myself smokey eyes with my eyeliner pencil that I stole from my mom's makeup bag. That was part of what drew this punk ass kid to me. He stuttered most of the time when we hung out since he was so anxious around me, but he eventually got over it and seemed to speak more confidently. We both sat in the back, with me sitting behind him. I could see everything he did. Han usually wore headphones and bopped to music. Not wanting to focus on the lesson, he was scribbling on his papers. The teacher enjoyed calling on him and making him answer a question that he clearly didn't know the answer to. That day, I remember it was hard to hold back my laugh.

  Classes continued as usual one day, but Han wasn't there. He never told me that he wasn't going to school, so I assumed he might be sick. That is, until I heard the argument outside the classroom. Everyone ran to the windows, eagerly bringing out their phones to record. I pushed through to see what was going on, and as I came to the window, I recognized one of them right away. Han was one of the two boys that were fighting. At this point, he began bullying him when the other boy started calling him a lot of mean words and other hurtful things. Bullying my friend. Han was thrown to the ground by the boy, and I hurried out of the classroom to grab him by the hair and slam him into the wall. I continued, grabbing him by the hair once more and punching him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop. I couldn't make myself stop. I repeatedly struck him with my punch. My ears went deaf. Everything was becoming hazy, like if I were surrounded by shapes. His cheeks were as crimson as my knuckles. It took several people before I was ultimately pulled away. Then I was brought back to reality. I realized what I had just done.  

My serenity is stolen

These fragile aching hands

Couldn’t count a dozen hopes

I had to see a counselor every day for the rest of the school year. I became known as "the killer," and people avoided me at all costs. Then Han introduced me to Felix, who at the time had a babyface and ginger hair. At first glance, I thought he was somewhat "baby" and "small." The names I called him made him hate me for a little while. I found it amusing. We began to get along well, and I was very certain Han saw how much I was crushing on Felix. 

I recall that day when we were seated on the log in the woods. Felix gave me his nice pocket knife, which had his initials printed on it. It was blue. "Super badass, huh?" I grinned slightly as I admired the knife's beauty and wished I had one for myself as well. "Keep it," he said after that. I've already got another." 

Please stand outside my window

And scare me in my sleep

‘Cause this ease is getting old

“Han, can we talk?” I came into his work the next day, desperate to know everything behind all of this. 

‘Woah there, Cora, you ain’t gotta bust through the door and scare me like that, lovely. What seems to be a problem, Coco?” He chuckled as he continued to arrange the vinyl layers in the box.

As much as I wanted to laugh at his sarcasm and whatever, it wasn’t the time. “It’s serious.”

“How serious?” he asked, stopping in his tracks and staring at me.

“It’s about Felix.”

‘Well, okay, listen. I really don’t wanna hear anything about this dude unless he died–”

“So, you guys will only care if he died?”

He stared at me in shock, slowly putting down the vinyls he was holding. I was getting furious and impatient. 

“You know that isn’t what I mean–”

I cut him off again, “What really happened to him while I was gone?”

“Co, I told you, we all stopped talking.”

“No, seriously, even if you guys stopped, there's gotta be something I don’t know about. You KNEW how much he meant to me.”

“Cora, if there was, I would’ve told you! I mean it!”

“Do you really fucking mean it? Do you promise you mean it? Then why is that all of the sudden all of you hated his ass and ignored him when he truly needed you guys? Don’t you think, oh MAYBE, this is why he fucking ran away?”

Han gave me a look I’ve never seen before. The first time I’ve ever seen him staring at me in fear. “Cora.”

I hated that. I hated the way he looked at me like that. When I started screaming at Minho that I shouldn't be the person he dated, I hated the way he looked at me. When I shoved Chan hard on the floor, he gave me a look that I hated. I hated the way Vanna stared at me when I told them that all she cared about was herself. In reality, I am all I care about. It pulled me back to reality, revealing that I had been yelling at one of my best friends, whom I genuinely cared about, and I knew damn well he would now stop talking to me after this.

“I’m sorry. I just–” I stammered, attempting to contain my emotions. Wishing to avoid crying in public. I felt so damn vulnerable.

“Cora, I just don’t know how to tell you. It’s my fault.” We both recoiled at the static sounds emanating from the radio as Han attempted to reach me for the embrace.

“According to reports, another person is currently missing. A 21-year-old lady wearing a long white dress and varsity jacket was last spotted yesterday at 4:48 p.m. at Poppy's Coffee. Her hair is long and light brown. Her name is—”

“Gardenia.” We both made simultaneous guesses before turning to face one another and recognizing that this was as terrible as it was going to get.    

The Hands that held my own all for one has never balanced

I’ll have you know

What’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine to loathe

NEXT JOURNAL ...

AUTHOR'S NOTE ➳ Grieving one of your loved ones' abscene whom you never know if they're safe or not can pretty much affect you :/ looks like we learned something new about cora this chapter and also damn woah another chapterrr???? im so back

TAGLIST ➳ @estella-novella @melanctton

On A Sunday - Wishy started playing ...

"We're ready to rock or what?" I was startled out of my daydream by Jisung's gentle shoulder slap. I've already spent a week with my friends, rebuilding all the friendships and memories we would have had if I hadn't moved out of town. It was now Friday, and that means band practice. I haven't performed in a band with them in a long time.

"I dunno, guys. I forgot everything." I nervously scratched my head. 

"Don't worry, kid! I also do. We've been quite busy, so we haven't practiced in over a month. We will just freestyle today; you're good at it." Chan comforted while he prepared the band's setup. I watched everyone else help with their own instrument and returned my gaze to my dusty bright yellow electric guitar, which had been sitting in the corner of my room for two years. So far, I have only changed the tuner.

"Yo, can you make sure this is the right tune." I brought the guitar up to Chan and asked.

"All right, dude. I'll set this up for you anyway." With a laugh, Chan took it from me. "Have you recently written any songs?"

"Uh, I think so, it's not much." I dug into my bag to look for my notebook.

"I believe Jisung has a new song to perform today. I was wondering if you had any new songs we could produce today after his song." After connecting an amplifier and tweaking the tuner, Chan returned my guitar.

"I haven't written anything in a while, actually. Maybe I can write them later."

"You gotta do it right now! Jisung's songs have been really depressing." With a broad smile, he whispered.

"I heard that!" Jisung shouted from behind.

"No, you didn’t!" I laughed aloud and yelled back.

"Everything seems to be in place. Are you ready?" Chan grinned down at me while leaning in with his bass guitar.

“I guess so!” I shrugged as I got up ready to play. 

"All right guys, I'm just going to sing the lyrics and we'll freestyle on the run," Jisung stated after checking the microphone one more time to make sure it was working properly.

For the past hour or two, we have been practicing. Jisung and Chan went into the studio to work on the production of the new song, while my arm and hand were already hurting from strumming on the guitar. Vanny began to spend more time sitting in her drum set and looking through her phone. I think I did well. Now I had to remember the chords. 

Boredom struck, so I reached for my notebook and began to brainstorm lyrics for my own song. Should I do indie sounds? Throw in a little pop? Be romantic? Be sad? What about metal? Actually, I don’t know, I’m not good at fry screaming. Felix used to be, though. Miss that guy. A very beautiful melody? I don’t have an angelic voice, though. Midwest emo? You know what, hell yeah-

I heard the door open, and when I looked up to see who it was, I saw a gorgeous boy—you know who, Minho. Awh, shit.

“You’re here, Minho! We're working on a new song right now; you're going to enjoy it," Chan exclaimed. While talking about ideas and the song's productions in the control room, Jisung put his arm around Minho and began playing the song for him. and anything else. With my notebook down and my knee snuggled together I sat down and looked at Minho. Upon gazing through the recording room window, Minho instantly met my gaze and shot me a quick wave. I blushed as soon as I turned back to my notebook, breaking eye contact. Jesus, man.

Even after I returned to the town, I still found it difficult to be near Minho this past week. Much more difficult than before. He seemed to notice and tried to tone down his joy whenever he saw me so that it wouldn't overwhelm me. And I'm still embarrassed about that drunk incident. He asked once more yesterday if we should get together this Sunday, have coffee, and take a forest stroll, just like we did when we were eighteen. For a moment, I pondered how I would act in his presence, just the two of us. It would have been simpler with Jisung present, but Minho and I would have been alone. An extremely scary thought, if you will.

The lightbulb popped up on top of my head like I was in a cartoon movie, so I snatched up the acoustic guitar and hurried past the boys, who were still in the middle of creating, to leave. Feeling the fresh air at last, I strolled to the park close to the studio and looked for the ideal spot for solo practice. I chose to just sit on the top of the bench table by the playground and enjoy the view while I glanced about. I took out my notebook and started writing. 

I waited too long to take you to the movies

I knew that I could take you any time

“How about we go see a movie? There’s now a working movie theater down the block. Haven’t gone since I never had anyone to go with, but now I do.” Minho looked me in the eyes and offered another suggestion, but I continued to turn my head away. We were outside his coffee shop, sitting on the table, discussing what we should do together on Sunday. I woke up to his message earlier this morning, asking if I could stop by his work, saying he wanted to see me for a bit. I’ve never gotten ready so fast in the very early morning ever in my life. Not a morning person either. 

“We could do that, yeah.”

"Maybe we could go to the woods after the movie. Set up a picnic? When was the last time we went somewhere together? God, I missed it." He gulped his steaming coffee and went on. "I actually changed my schedule, just so I could make more plans to see you."

“You don’t need to do that, y’know-”

“I want to, Cora.” 

“Yeah, but-”

“I missed you a lot, you know?” 

I stayed silent for a while, feeling a little butterfly flying around inside my stomach. Here I thought he was going to continue being mad at me for suddenly coming back after two years and being hit with “I told you so”, but he’d been a lot nicer than usual, even than before. Even Chan noticed and told me Minho was becoming a lot happier ever since I moved back, that the group barely saw him around town until now. Seeing him happy also made me happy, don’t get me wrong, but the amount of guilt I felt when realizing that me leaving for college hurted him more than I thought. Seeing him smile hurt me more than I thought it would. I couldn’t help, but stare at him blankly, trying to hide that I was into him, worried it might ruin the friendship again. I didn’t want to lose him again. 

“You haven’t touched your lunch..” I didn’t realize I’ve been zoning out for a while. Looking down on my croissant and latte that Minho made me before I arrived. 

“Right.. I forgot. Daydreaming.” I instantly took a big bite of the croissant and slowly chewed for a while, hopefully to not talk for a bit and just enjoy the silence.

Minho cleared his throat, “Cora? I’m not making you uncomfortable, am I?”

I glanced up at him and shook my head, “You’re not.”

Don’t tell your friends that I’m a careful person

I wanna be a good girl on my dime

“Oh, okay, I’m just making sure because lately, like ever since you moved back, you’ve been acting a little weird. I apologize if-”

“We can do anything you want to do on Sunday, by the way. Just be careful… not to spend too much money on me.”

“...”

“What?”

I frowned and stared at him again after being busy eating, “What? I said-”

“No- You… you heard what I said, right?”

“I’m not uncomfortable. I’m happy to do anything you’d like to do.” 

After a quite confusing conversation, Minho gave me a pretty smile anyways, and seemed to be relieved I would be down to hang out this weekend. “That’s great to hear then.” I tried to smile as well with a mouth full of food, feeling happy that we would be hanging out like we used to in high school. 

Minho stared at me for a while with his adoring eyes before looking down on his phone to see what time it was before he said something that kind of bummed me. “Looks like I gotta go back to work.”

“Oh, right. I’ll go find Jisung then.” I looked down, started fidgeting with my fingers under the table.

“Yeah, sorry, but we’ll see each other soon anyway!” He exclaimed with a smile yet again. “See you on Sunday?”

I finally gave a smile back this time, “I’ll see you on Sunday.”

I’ll see you on a Sunday

We’re gonna do it your way

By the time Sunday came, I started anxiously figuring out what to wear. Should I wear a cute outfit, wear a little bit of makeup, do I smell bad? Like it was ever a date. Oh wait, is it a date? 

Fuck do I know?

I groaned, jumping onto the bed, thinking of what to do. Thinking of who to call for help. Jisung? He’d laugh. Chan? Probably would help a little, but tease for 20 minutes straight. Vanny? …Maybe, she’d be a very big help. I reached for my phone on the nightstand and dialed Vanny, waiting for the long ring to hear her annoyed voice at what I could even want from her at 8 a.m. in the damn morning. The hangout doesn’t start till afternoon. 

‘Girl, what” She finally answered. Yeah, I thought so.

“I know it’s early as hell for me to be calling you, but I need help. Quick. I’m hanging out with Minho today. Dunno if it’s a date or a friend hangout where we’d probably stab each other with pocket knives. What should I wear anyway?” I quickly explained before she’d hang up on me.

Silence. Long silence. I’ve been laying down on my back, staring at the white boring popcorn ceiling, broken fan in the center that could’ve been fixed soon. Should I hang up and suffer on my own or…

“Dude. He didn’t say it was a date?” She spoke after 30 seconds of complete silence. 

“Should’ve I asked if it was a date?”

“Men should be the one initiating.”

“Yeah, well… yeah…” I sighed, rubbing my head out of stress and tiredness from the lack of sleep last night. 

“Well, shit. Just… fucking wear something that should be suitable for wherever you’re going. Like if you’re going to the fancy restaurant, which we don’t even have here other than that nice mexican restaurant, wear a long dress with that denim jacket you always wear and some necklace you could find. Or if you’re just going to the woods, which again I’m certain that you will, wear a basic outfit anyway, but not the damn same one you wear like 5 times a week.” 

“Let me just process all of that.” Phone still on my ear, getting up to walk to the closet, finding some possibly nice clothes somewhere. “All of my clothes are on the floor, man.”

“Just find something. Spray a perfume over it anyway.”

“And don’t slander my The Smiths shirt.”

“I forever will.” I groaned hearing the laughter coming through my phone. 

“Whatever, I couldn't stay on for too long. Gotta go back to sleep. Good luck, Coco.” With that, she hung up. I stopped what I was doing and stared back at my phone, processing what she just called me. And then the text message popped up.

[Lino /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\] Hey, ready for today? I might bring my cherry wine for a picnic!!

Come here, let’s turn a new page

Well, believe I’m gonna drink your cherry wine

“And then he jumped onto the pool table! Now that first frat party wasn’t disappointing.” We laughed together as I told Minho some of my college memories and he would also tell me his, too. We talked all night about the things we didn’t know while we were separated from each other for a while. The sun was already setting when we got out of the movie theater and yet still went to do our picnic. I drank the cherry wine Minho brought over to the picnic, it was very bitter for me. We explored around while tipsy in the woods which wasn’t the smartest idea. Just so we couldn’t get any smarter, Minho pulled out the ziplock bag of joints. 

So here we are, high as fuck, revisiting the memories we had while sitting on the log, swinging our legs together and laughing our asses off for god knows how long. It has been a while since we hung out like this. 

“Cora, do you know how happy I’ve been since you came back home?” Suddenly, the tone of his voice changed and he looked at me dearly, reaching his hand out to tuck the strands of my hair behind my ear. 

“You said that like a hundred times today.” I chuckled.

“I’m serious.”

“Dude, I know how serious you can be.” I started laughing out loud again, still stoned out of my mind. “Geez, thought it’d be easier to tell you this while stoned.” He laughed along, facing away from me.

“Tell me what?” I bent over to look at him, slapping him slightly. “Tell me whaaat?”

“It’s really nothing–” He waved it off.

“You can’t just say that and then not expect me to get curious! You know how I am..” 

We went silent for a while. Minho seems to hesitate whether he should tell me or not. Whatever it is, I look at him closely, tilting my head to see his face clearly. Even though I wasn’t really sober and it was already darker as it is, his face tells me something wasn't too good. 

“Well, shit, is it bad?” I sighed loudly, “I hate bad news.”

“It’s not that…” He scratched his head. “It’s about how I feel.”

“Oh, then it couldn’t be that bad. You.. can tell me whatever you know.”

Silence again. Like a good friend I tried to be, I waited patiently. I watched him fidgeting with his hands in his seat. Suddenly, I felt sober at least. 

“Cora, I’m in love with you.” 

These days are gonna leave me in the rain

I wanna be your big, bad second place

I sat alone in the bus stop, with the half finished cherry wine bottle I chugged all the way here, in between my thighs. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, but surely, the bus isn’t coming any minute. Not at 10 p.m. at night where it could be closed now. I don’t know who the fuck to call. I mean, I could call my parents or even Vanna, but I don’t want to burden them any longer. And I don’t want to risk throwing up in their car. I’m spacing out, eyes already blurry and feeling like I could puke any minute. From being so crossfaded, but on top of that, the argument with Minho was weighing on my mind since. 

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

It was starting to get a little chilly, wondering if it’s going to start raining soon. Wondering if I should prepare to get home quicker before being caught in the rain and get even more sicker, or not just that, the worst hangover you could imagine. But my head was hurting, which I don’t think I’m able to get home in this horrible state. I chugged the wine even more, I hate how bitter this fucking wine is. I hate how bitter this feeling is. How bitter this world is. How bitter I’m being. Maybe, it’s me, I’m the problem. I left for college and never spoke to any of my friends for two years. And coming back after dropping out of college, expecting everything to stay the same as it was two years ago, but I was proven wrong. Nothing is the same anymore. And it hurts to realize. It hurts realizing we’re all adults now. We’re not kids anymore.

I’m being dramatic. Why am I doing this? 

“I did not get a call and came here to check just to see it was you.” I slowly opened my left eye to see that it was my aunt, folding her arms.

“Hey, auntie….” I mumbled, lowering my head in shame.

“What’s going on now? Look at you, all broken up.” 

“I’m just.. being dramatic. Like these drunk girls in their heartbreak era in these 90s movies. That’s what I’m feeling right now, except I think I ruined my own precious friendship today.” 

I heard my aunt sigh, walking towards me to sit next to me on the bench.

“May I ask, how so?”

“Probably out of fear..”

“Why out of fear?”

“They said they’re in love with me.”

“Right.”

“They’re… I dunno, I got so fucking scared, so I backed out and there goes our argument. It just happened too fast.”

“Cora, what about you?” 

I quickly looked up to face her in confusion, “What?”

“Are you in love with this person?”

Well, believe I’m gonna drink your cherry wine

NEXT JOURNAL ...

AUTHOR'S NOTE ➳ Back on this series because fall is pretty close by hehe I really dont care if no one reads this, I enjoyed writing this story. ALSO the missing little guy, the Felix Lee will his own part next journal and he also has his little seperate oneshot AU about a sad love story before he went missing coming soon, check out this preview!

TAGLIST ➳ @estella-novella @melanctton

It was a typical high school love story. The way it started, I was comparing myself to a beautiful young popular girl. To know I was only 15 to be wishing I was as beautiful as her just so he could notice me. Just for a boy to finally see me. It wasn’t healthy, but no one has ever noticed me growing up. If I could drown myself in the pool of attention towards me, I would. Still, the thought of that made me feel uneasy, uncomfortable. I sometimes wonder how this girl could handle all of that attention from these boys. She was a little older than me, entering her junior year. Pretty long brunette hair, her chestnut brown eyes appearing glossy. She’d often pull up in her vespa, in her mom’s old flared jeans and a white tank top. She had her dark red lipstick and her high heels on. She’d flip her long hair around her back as she was getting off her vespa, bating her eyes towards the boys who were staring at her, unafraid of using her allure as a weapon. She was ready and you’d know it. 

The brunette walked towards the group of boys, pulling out her hand for a handshake from one of them and of course, it would be him. “Hi, I’m Zoe.”

The rumors about her were getting around school, it was endless. Her mother was a gorgeous woman in the 80s, she was almost like a popstar with her big, high volume curly hair. That was before the drugs and alcohol took off. Everyone was saying Zoe was as beautiful as her mother and it was tragic to know she was lost to the drugs. She said, “Of course, I look like her, she’s my momma. She’s horrible at raising children, but she’s good at raising hell.” Her father was a pastor in the big church she usually visited. He was a scary one behind the curtains, trying to contain her sexuality and her doings, yelling at her that he raised her better than this. But she has already grown past these limits. She doesn’t follow these traditional, religious rules, yet she still goes to church after clubbing anyway. She was really getting around, getting inside the passenger seat next to a man she’d hook up with every week. Zoe loved the chase, the quick and short sexual encounter every now and then. She thought it was a burden to commit to such a long, lasting relationship, so she was stuck in a cycle using her body to fulfill her satisfaction until the joy wears off. She was Miss Motel. 

But these were the rumors. Who knows if she was actually getting into the old man’s truck or constantly walking around the motel or not. The boys loved it when she batted her seductive, luring eyes, but turned around and spread such insane rumors to ruin her life. I often wonder if he loved it, the way she gave him that kind of look to him. The way her long, shiny brunette hair fell to the side. The way she pouted her neat dark red lipstick at him. I’d never blame her, she was really pretty. It made me kind of hate her. I wonder if I’d ever be that pretty to him. If I’d be the kind of angel he would see.

Scott Pilgrim v. My GPA - Mom Jeans. started playing ...

There’s a quiet inside of this open air. It expands and fills, and soon, you’re walking through the thick, tangible quiet. And if you listen, if you really listen, you can hear the pulse of the world, the old hum we almost remember, the old language etched into us. 

It’s a strange thing, to hear the quiet. 

One day, I’ll be quiet forever. 

One day, I’ll exist in the space between words. 

One day, you’ll hear me whispering into the open air, singing something you can almost understand.

I closed my eyes, fantasized about a quiet life. 

Suddenly, I feel at home.

But when I opened my eyes, I started to see shapes. 

I’m somewhere.

Just not here.

It’s hard for me to see exactly where the hell I went wrong

I never thought I’d see the day we wouldn’t get along

You think I smoke too much, I think your friends suck

September 23, 9:34 a.m.

I feel awful. 

I don’t even know what happened yesterday.

DId I do something crazy yesterday? 

With my head still resting on the pillow, I reach beneath the blanket to find my phone. I lifted my head off the pillow and browsed through my lock screen as soon as I did. Many of Jisung's missed messages. 

Did I say some wild shit last night??

[J.0ne] yo das was honestly the most beautiful speech ive ever heard in my entire life

I don’t want to know.

With a grumble, I forced myself to get out of bed in the hopes that taking a shower would help me feel less disgusted. I put on a large, baggy shirt that was sitting on top of my toilet after I finished my shower. I looked in the mirror as I began to wash my teeth. I look like fucking shit.

Hey, don’t be mean to yourself. 

I have the worst face on earth. 

Well, I mean, you look totally awesome in that big old band shirt you totally did not steal from that one little vendor at the mall where an old man just makes the graphic shirt for you. 

I straightened up my posture and placed my hands on my hip, looking at the shape of my body. 

I should lose weight. 

Nah, you look fine. 

No, I don’t. I should really stop eating a lot. 

It’s cool, dude. Not everyone needs to be super duper skinny!

Fine, I should be more positive about myself, whatever the internet says. I am just a real human being. 

My hands slipped off my hips, and I stood there straight, staring blankly at myself. 

And no one can prove that I’m not. 

…

I should read the messages my friends sent me.

After hurrying to my room to find my phone, I nervously went through the messages Jisung had sent me. I texted him back after learning that he hadn't given me many details about what I had done the previous night. 

[C0conut] wat rlly happened last night

[J.0ne] sum beautiful speech that u did in front of lino i dunno i dun rememebaer anythanng

[VanDivision] you called him a cute boy.

[CB97] And then you puked on his shirt again hahaha 

[C0conut] ಠ_ಠ he prob hates me again

[J.0ne] whu CARRRESS plssssss come by chris outlet job stuff work now me me bored here  

I shrugged and let out a breath before tossing my phone onto my bed. I decided to keep this large t-shirt on, find some jorts, and throw on another flannel. Despite the fact that I had lost my other pair of Converse shoes, these fucked up black vans will have to do. My name was called from the kitchen as I sauntered down the stairs. I figured the breakfast was ready. 

“Heya mom, what’re we having today?”

"Hey, sweetie, you look awful!" Mom giggled as she set down a plate with a sandwich and a bowl of soup. "For breakfast, we're eating sandwiches and soups. Plus, you went to a party; I'm not sure how much you drank, but you needed this soup anyway."

"Awesome." I dug in with my spoon and sipped the warm liquid down my throat, feeling relaxed.

"Rough night?" Mom went on, holding up a book to read.

“You know it.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

You hummed, “I saw Minho.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“A little bit.”

"Give it some time. He will get to you." She flicked through another page of her book, "I believe most of the repair workers have left the town center. Some shops are still under construction, though."

"Oh really?" Taking a bite out of the sandwich, I said.

"I remember how much you enjoyed climbing some buildings."

"I've thought about doing it again."

"No, sweetie. You should go to jail for that, no?" Mom arched an eyebrow at me. 

“They’ll never catch me!”

“Your aunt will catch you.”

“Boooo.” I dropped the almost eaten sandwich and slouched down. "I'm going to finish this later, mom; I have to go." 

“Alright, well, have fun! Stay safe!”

I quickly grabbed my shoulder bag from the hanger and bolted out the door. I'm getting a little eager for autumn as I stroll down the street and feel the cool morning breeze. I saw some of the local businesses were closed as I passed by them and noticed a group of elderly men gathered around one of the stores.

"There won't be Stormvillie if we don't start doing business right." Says the tall old man dressed in a business suit.

"Well, it appears that we must take whatever action we can." Says a different large, bearded man. "To make the market take note of us!"

Huh, wild. On my left, where I used to go since I was a child, was the closed doughnut shop. A lot of stores are really closing down.

"Will, you're not listening- it's not of sufficient historical note."

"Brother, most folks don't even give a damn about our jobs anymore. Our pay is really low!"

"There must never be another fight at a stop sign."

I left nonetheless, not wanting to listen in on some of the things adults like to talk about, and went past the old pizza place I used to and still enjoy. The pizza place is still open, at least. Perhaps I should bring my buddies here. Maybe with Minho. 

The middle schooler was once more playing on his Nintendo while perched on the seat next to the statue. I looked up at the bronze statue of the man who built this town, the man holding up his axe. The child was still engrossed in the game and was not aware of my presence when I peered down at him.

"Shouldn't you be at school?" I asked, looking down at the child.

"I'm gonna skip." His little fingers hitting the buttons with aggression, his eyes fixed on the game rather than me. 

“Geez.” 

The boy lost the game and groaned out of frustration, “I’ve been going at this game for hours! And I still didn’t get it.”

“What’re you playin’ this time?”

“Star Wars; Battlefront.” 

“Seriously? Star Wars?”

“You don’t like them?” Lori let out a cry and held his palms over his mouth dramatically. “All of my friends are playing the Star Wars games! One of my friends said they’re coming over tonight to play the games with me on my nintendo 64.” 

“I just don’t get the hype.” I shrugged.

“Hmph!” He again folded his arms in a drama queen manner, then rose from his chair and grabbed the skateboard that was next to him. "Hey, you wanna go to the library for a second?" Lori asked, gesturing to the neighborhood library across the street.

I look at him, then at the library, and I start to wonder if I have time left at all. "Sure," I nodded.

"There used to be strange little letters hidden in some of the books. My friend and I would open every book to find more, sort of like on a scavenger hunt!" Lori kept talking while we strolled towards the library. 

“Weird letters?”

“Yeah! Some letters are about odd cult shit or something.” Cult?

Lori wandered the library, trying to find a certain book. I trailed after him to the Bible area, where I watched him leaf through the books, choose one, and hand it to me. I found the letter by grabbing and turning the pages. "I was not made for this kind of test," the paper said in such a hurried handwriting when I unfolded it. “I will fall apart. I will not stay. I will come undone, and you will never see me again."

"This letter is so weird, right?" He chuckled: "I think there's someone in town trying to troll some gullible kids here for fun."

"Could be. Not really remotely close to odd cult shit, whatever you say, but close enough."  I remarked, still staring at how familiar the handwriting was. 

“Lori, did you save the other letters?” I shoved the letter in my pocket. 

“Nope, Mom threw it away. She thought it’s a curse or something.” He shrugged, taking out his nintendo sitting on the table. 

“Bummer. I’ma go now.”

“Bye, killer!”

“Okay, now don’t call me that.”

Can’t figure out the reason why our parents fight so much

But I’ve given up on luck

But I’m happy here

“Yeah, he’s cute but what are his critical thinking abilities? His political stance? Socioeconomic aspirations?”Jisung began talking nonsensically as soon as I entered the store. Chan, dressed in black dress slacks and a white button-up shirt, leaned against the counter and wore an elegant gold watch that his father had most likely given him. Then there's Jisung, the typical punk, decked out in his trademark red and black. Worn-out black leather jacket with a revolution illustration and a few words scattered throughout it, paired with cargo trousers and tall boots. You already know it.

"What is happening here?" Asking, "Are you seeing someone?" I broke up the talk between the two men' talk, who beamed at me.

"What? No way!" Jisung waved his hand in denial. I stared at the blue-haired man one more time after turning to look at Chan for confirmation. He was stifling his laughter. "All right, maybe, but..."

"Who is it, though?"

"All right, so this guy that I've been chatting with online for a few months now has been arranging to meet me here," Again rambling, he leaned on the counter, clasped his hands together, and bowed his head. "Vanna, on the other hand, does not approve of me going on a date with this guy because I did not know what the guy looked like in person. So this motherfucker is setting me up with another guy.”

“Woah, you don’t know what he looks like? Han, don’t you think that’s pretty alarming?” I frowned, “Vanna is right though.”

"Yeah, but he's sweet, a smooth talker, and so caaaring. She's matching me up with someone I'm not supposed to see until we go on the date, which is scary enough than meeting up with a guy I've talked to already!" Jisung turned around swiftly, looking away from us and folding his arm like if he were a cartoon character being betrayed by bunny bugs or something.

"Dude, whatever." I looked over at Chan, who was arranging the pricey, ornate jewelry and watches—some of which were vintage—on the front table. I browsed the store, enjoying how cozy and antique it seemed—like a grandpa's store in London. It seems to make sense that his father owned the store. "Chan, do you know about shops being shut down?"

"Yes," he said, perking up and nodding before returning his attention to organizing. "What about it?"

"Will this store close down as well?"

"Well. Who knows, probably. In any case, my dad does things his own way."

“...”

“...”

"Would you not want to go to, you know, Los Angeles or somewhere else, if you were so rich? Live in a big modern house?" I inquired, unsure whether it was insensitive or not. But he knew I was always curious.

"I wish it was that simple, Cora," laughed Chan.

“Simple? Don’t you have zillions of dollars to be able to do it anyway?”

“Crazy of you to think we have THAT amount of money.” He snorted, shaking his head. 

"I wish I had an answer for you, kiddo. But recently, things have become more complicated." He stooped to pick up the boxes, which he then carried behind the counter and placed on the floor beside numerous other unopened boxes. Jisung gave us both a perplexed look, and I shrugged at him, feeling uncomfortable and guilty for being overly curious. "Well, I apologize for the sudden mood change. You guys wanna get pizza later today when I’m off work?”

“Oh yeah! Good thing that Marinara Magic is still open.” I exclaimed, getting excited at the thought of us getting together to eat pizza like little kids again. 

"Dude, right now I would kill for a pizza!" Jisung leaped to his feet and followed Chan inside the office. I followed them both as well and went inside what appeared to be Chan's father's office, however he seemed to spend more time here than his father. While the worker was busy finishing up tasks and they were busy chatting, I kept myself occupied by wandering around the office and taking in the many framed awards and certificates. A computer was situated atop an extremely cluttered desk, alongside numerous loose work documents and a few images pinned to the wall beneath the desk. The pictures showed him with his sister, his family, and all of us together. When I gazed upon the following picture, Chan, Minho, and Felix were posing at a high school graduation in their gowns. They wrapped each other's shoulders with their arms while grinning broadly. I turned to face Chan, who was rummaging through the drawers. Even if all he did was dye his hair bright red, which turned into an unpleasant pinkish tone, and he gained weight, he still looked very different. Even though he was only 23, he appeared a little older than his actual age. Maybe, he didn’t sleep at all again. 

I looked at the picture once more, focusing on the boy with brunette hair who was standing next to Chan. I would never be able to pretend that Minho wasn't the cutest kid in high school. Everyone was all over him. He was way out of my league. Even though he is much more stylish and handsome now, his face appears really worn. How am I going to face him next time I see him?

Felix, a ginger freckled boy, stands to the right. I couldn't remember when we had last spent time together. A few months after graduating, he stopped playing in our band and became distant from us. Suddenly, he disappeared from our lives. With his long hair, he now had a much more bad boy appearance, according to the missing poster. He had been, always.

"Hey Cora, would you mind checking to see if they have batteries at the grocery store? I need to work on this..." Chan looked at the surveillance cameras he had taken out of the drawer as he gave me the money. "Vanna works there."

"Oh, sick. I guess I should go then." As I was going to leave the store, Jisung yelled, "GET US SNACKS!" as I snatched the money and jammed it in my pocket.

"YA GOT IT!" I yelled in response.

Since the grocery shop was down the street, the walk wouldn't be too far. Across the street was Poppy's Coffee as well. I thought about going to visit Minho, maybe apologize, and ask him to go have pizza with us later. He used to be my best friend, therefore I should really make it up to him, but the thought frightened me.

Vanna wasn't behind the counter when I went inside the store to look for her. I went through the snack aisle and picked some snacks as well as drinks. I swung around to see Vanna standing directly in front of me, staring at me with no emotion.

"Are you trying to find anything?" Dropping the box and restocking the shelves, Vanna asked nonchalantly. 

“You scared me, dude.”

“My bad. Your head’s okay?”

“Oh, yeah, a little.” I rubbed my head. “You got any batteries?”

“Yeah, behind the counter. What type?” She stopped restocking to go to the counter and searched through the variety of different batteries.

“Type? Shit, I dunno. Chan just said he needs some for the camera or something.”

“What kind of camera? Is it a film?”

“Looks more like a security camera.”

Vanna slammed the product on the counter and began scanning the rest of the items. Vanna didn't seem to buzz, but the sudden loud hum coming from the freezer distracted me. 

“Store looks busted.”

“A lot of shit went down this summer. My boss said he’d order for repairs, but I don't see any motherfucker to come fix it and it’s been months.” As she pushed the objects she had completed scanning in my direction, she said. “No plastic bags either. Someone usually has to bring their own big bag. Better for the environment.”

“Cool.” We both stood silently, just staring at each other.

“So..”

“I didn’t mean anything I’ve said yesterday.”

“It’s cool. I barely remember half of it, honestly.”

“Yeah, me neither. You really need to chill when it comes to drinking.”

“Was it really bad?” I tried not to watch the memory again in my mind as I shamefully rubbed my head.

“Everyone forgot it. I’m sure Minho finds it funny now.” Vanna said as she scrolled on her phone.

I hit my head on the counter and moaned. I'm worried about what Minho thinks of me now, more than whether there's an image somewhere of me getting wasted.

"Do you hate Minho or something?" Sincerely curious, I inquired, recalling vaguely what Vanna had said about him the previous evening.

“No, I was just upset. Just wanted to bring someone up to blame. I should learn not to.” 

“Hm. You wanna go for a pizza with us? Jisung, Chan, maybe Minho.”

“I’m still working.” Vanna looked up from her phone, furrowing her eyebrow.

“Like later.”

“Sure.” 

“Sick.”

“...”

“I should stop by Minho’s work…”

“Good luck, man.” 

So leave my sweater on the porch 

I’ll leave your bag under the stairs

Don’t go back to our old place

It’s probably locked up anyway

I crossed the street tensely, imagining what I should say or how I should apologize as I made my way to Poppy's Coffee. Hesitantly, I paused in front of the store entrance, debating whether or not to go inside or simply walk out and travel to space, never to return. Someone from inside the store opened the door before I could even extend my hand, revealing Minho. His lovely reddish-brown hair and honey complexion glistened in the sun's rays. He gave me a radiant smile.

"Cora! I was just wondering if you were okay." With a broad smile, he flashed his bunny teeth. "I kind of ran to open it for you after seeing you standing there for a minute. You know, you just gotta be a gentleman. Come inside, Co!" Minho laughed as he greeted you with a smile at the rustic coffee shop. The room had a pleasant aroma of roast coffee, antique, charming vintage tables and chairs, and a lot of fairy lights hanging from the ceiling. Since I left, the shop's entire style has evolved. He obviously decorated it, as I could tell. "Oh, and you still enjoy mocha, correct? I can do it right now!" His excitement and sudden outburst of energy reveal a new aspect of him that makes my eyes widen in disbelief.

"What's up with you?" Watching him run in circles and start preparing coffee for me, I blurted out.

"I'm just happy to see you back home," Minho smiled at me, really sweet, and then gathered everything to make coffee on the counter.

“I don’t have any money, dude.”

“On the house!”

“Free drink.. Sick..” I found a table and sat down, observing him prepare a drink. With his small watch on his wrist and a brown apron on top, he had his sweater sleeves rolled up. Now that his hair was groomed, his entire face was visible to me. I completely understand why so many girls were over him. It makes sense that he has a girlfriend. Oh, right.

"I apologize for last night." I looked down, embarrassed, trying to scrape the skin off my arm. And a little disappointed that he actually had a girlfriend.

“Oh, that’s no problem! You were just.. being you again.” With a giggle, he looked up at me and flashed his rabbit teeth once more. "You don't have to buy me a new shirt, by the way. I could easily wash it."

"Well, yeah, I know. I've puked on you twice already, it's ridiculous." I laughed along with him.

"Your hot mocha is here! It's getting chilly outside, and see, I drew you a cat!" Minho approached my table gingerly and set the mug down carefully, revealing a white kitten sketched in cream. Still grinning and gazing at me, he took a seat in front of me as well. I was able to get a closer, clearer look at him. He looked very tired, but his cute big smile topped it off. 

“Since when do you know how to do this?” 

“My mom taught me when I started working. It’s kinda therapeutic actually.” He giggled once again. “God, I’m so giggly today. Maybe, you’re finally here with me again like the good old times.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” I took a sip of the hot mocha and realized it was the best drink I had ever had. "I had a brownie with my coffee the last time I drank it in college, and it tastes really bitter."

Minho snorted, "Obviously, chocolate tastes much sweeter than coffee itself. Of course it will taste bitter."

“I miss Felix’s brownies.” 

“Right, Felix. Do you know about it?”

“Yeah, I always wonder why he left.”

“You think he left? Not like being kidnapped or something?”

“Do you think he was kidnapped?”

With a sigh, he palmed his face and rested his elbow on the table. "Just a hunch on my part. To be honest, nobody in the town seemed to be making any effort to find him. Chan and his family may have tried, but they got nothing."

"Why did you stop talking to Chan and Han?"

"Well, it was a bit complicated." Minho tightened, straightened his back, and gave me a sincere look. "Listen—I am deeply sorry for how I treated you when you told me you were going to college about two years ago."

“Hey, it’s all chill, dude.” 

“No, it’s obviously not. I know you were drunk last night, but everything you said, I’ve thought about it a lot since.” 

“I was just out of my mind. I don’t even remember half of it. Vanna even told me I called you cute, so that’s awkward ‘cause y’know you have a girlfriend and all.” I blurted it out, sulking, and nodding till I turned to face him, who appeared confused.

“...”

“...”

“What?”

“I don’t.. have one?” His head was cocked in confusion at me.

“Dude, that girl at the party, y’know-”

“Pretty sure she’s a lesbian.”

“Oh.”

“I kinda had to dip when she started making out with that girl which lasted for like a long minute.”

“Ooh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oooh.”

“Mhm.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s good.”

“Have you ever had one?”

“Why?”

I scowled at him as I sagged into my chair and folded my arms. "Well, have you seen yourself?" I asked.

"I'm not really chasing it." He was moving a little stiffly, suddenly tense.

"Yes, whatever, boo, tomato," I said.

"Someone has been on my mind for a very long time, and still is." In the end, Minho said, "Just not ready to tell them."

"Oh." I forced myself not to get emotional as I imagined Minho to have feelings for someone who is completely unlike me. "Whatever, do you want to join me, Han, Chan, and Vanna for pizza?"

"Oh? I'll see if I can stop by, but I'm kind of busy all day." Minho smiled.

"Well, I missed us all together."

"I know, sorry, I've been busy a lot lately." The bell at the door rings, announcing that the customers have arrived. He let out a sigh and rose from his chair, eager to resume his job. "I have to go right now. I'll try to see and come by, okay?" Minho smiled at you one last time before returning to his job.

I nodded slowly and watched him as he began to take orders and put back his apron. I got up from my seat and exited the store, expecting to meet him later. 

I bet it still looks the same as when I ran away that day

Everyone was at the Marinara Magic eating pizza and sides and sitting and talking to one another. The realization that the two years I had been waiting for was finally here nearly took my breath away. Even though Chan was trying to talk them out of being too loud and scared that the staff could kick us out, Jisung was being playful as usual with Vanna and they were fighting over pizza toppings. But I was disappointed that Minho wasn't here yet. It appears that the kids are still not on good terms with him. For the last twenty minutes, all I could look at was the front entrance. While Jisung was still yapping and Chan was on his phone, Vanna appeared to notice but chose not to speak out.

Maybe, it’ll be too awkward if he comes.

The pizza place looked precisely the same as it did when I left. The red checkered tablecloth, slightly worn-out wooden seats, leon signs, and several framed pictures of former employees and musicians who had dinner here. The owner, who had been employed there since the 1990s and was now essentially a grandfather, ultimately left due to the death of his son. Unlike most soldiers, who return home to surprise their families, his son arrived in a box. He was "at fault" for electing to join the army of his own free will, but no one believed it was all lies and propaganda. The brutal reality of the American dream was that. You either achieve everything successfully or lose everything. 

Although it didn't taste as good as it used to, it was still better than the pizza I had in the city. Even yet, I feel like throwing up when I eat pizza. I fidgeted as I started to finish the drink in the red glass, wondering when Minho would arrive. Would he even show up at all? Does he even care?

Vanna moved to get closer to me and said in a whisper, "Are you waiting for Minho?"

"Yeah." I glanced at the boys to see if they heard us, but they were still too engaged to respond. "Do you think this would make them hate me?"

"No, they were hoping to speak with him, but that jerk decided not to. That's what I think." With a shrug, Vanna settled back into her chair and took her notebook out of her leather purse. 

“He confuses me sometimes.”

“Are you really confused or just frustrated?”

“I guess, both.” I sighed. 

“A friend,” She quoted, “shouldn’t make you that frustrated, let’s be real.”

“I guess.. I mean, I know he has some rough family issues, that’s all. I don’t know if there’s anything else.”

“You didn’t at least try to talk to him earlier?” 

“I did try!” I pouted, sinking down in my seat. “He’s just.. being complicated.”

“What did he say?”

“I dunno.. Like he was being overly nice and then it got awkward when you know, I asked about his girlfriend which I thought he does have, but he doesn’t and he still hasn’t told me what really happened–”

Vanna groaned, putting her hands on her head. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re the one being complicated.”

“Okay, well–” Just as I was about to defend myself, I felt a bit offended.

"Vanna's not wrong here, kid." Chan said, still deeply absorbed in his phone.

"I am not a kid!" I yelled at him inaudibly. "He's just making things more complicated,"

"You TWO are being so complicated and annoying!" Jisung also yelled as he pointed jokingly at me with his finger.

"Holy shit-" Vanna places her fingers on her nose's bridge.

"What is happening here?" When someone else's voice was heard, the yelling stopped. There was no way I could pretend that seeing him didn't make me nearly puke again.

"Awkward…" Vanna rolled her eyes and sang.

"We ate the entire pizza!" With a wide smile, Jisung resumed his random hand gestures.

“Don’t worry, I’ll buy you a slice.” Chan took out his card and stood up.

“No, it’s good, I can just–”

“Shut up and let me buy you one, man.”

“I know, but-”

“Dude, c’mon, we haven’t talked in a while-”

“I’m the one that should make up-”

“No–”

Everyone else at the table chuckled at their interaction as I smacked my head against the table.

It doesn’t matter anyway

‘Cause I’m happy here

"That pizza was gooood, ay?" As he put his arm around Minho, Chan laughed. By now it had gotten late, so everyone left Marinara Magic together to walk home. The staff seemed to already like Chan enough to not throw us out, so I'm amazed they put up with us.  

"But not as good as it was before. I could make it better at home!" Minho replied as Vanna and I just kept strolling down the street in silence as the boys laughed and chatted about how much they used to miss his cooking. I couldn't help but feel uneasy tension when I was around Minho, even though it felt great to have him back in the group like we did in high school. At least, we were all back to normal again. Nothing bad will definitely happen!

I was taken aback by what I had just seen on the pavement and froze in place. An arm mutilated, with blood dripping from the tip. I turned back to give the kids a warning since they were all standing in a circle and talking nonstop, much as when family get together and chat for hours at a time. "There's an arm, guys!" I yelled out and ran to the tree to get a stick, then I walked back to where the arm was and attempted to poke it. The group approached it with caution and began to swear loudly as soon as they saw it.

"Why are you poking it?" Like everyone else, Jisung coughed in disgust and yelled silently.

"It's too much to look at." Vanna stopped staring at it and poked her tongue out.

"How did that end up there? Has there been a murder? That shit barely happens here since like that one incident in 1990," Minho inquired.

"Was that not in 1983?" Chan folded his arm and scowled at Minho.

"No fucker, that's the bite of '83 you're thinking of; it's definitely before 1990." As I was prodding the arm, I snorted, and Jisung burst out laughing and slapped his thigh.

"Sorry, the what?"

"Game reference." Minho stated while awkwardly scratching his head.

Chan said, "He's really back," shaking his head.

“Oh, shut it.”

"Are we going to do shit about this or not? This kid is messing with it." Vanna spoke out.

"Dude, get up." The lighting flashed on us as Chan attempted to grip my shoulder, and I realized who it was as I got up.

"What's going on over here?" My aunt was standing there in her uniform, staring at us expressionlessly.

"A arm!" I gave my aunt a smile and gestured to where it was. She bowed, glanced down, examined the arm, and reported what had transpired using her talkie-walkie.

"You kids need to go home. We will take care of it."

"But-"

"Go. Home." Aunt gave me a scowl. 

I kept glancing back, wondering what the whole "arm" thing was about, but Minho kept trying to pull me out of it and finally we walked home together. Since their routes to their homes differed from mine, half of the group bid goodbye and parted ways. Since Minho and I live in the same neighborhood, we strolled home in silence.

"Wow, that was crazy." He let out another quiet laugh to break the ice. 

"Yeah." Still feeling a little uneasy, I laughed too. When we arrived at my house, I was about to say goodbye, when Minho grabbed my wrist. I was shocked as I looked down and wondered what he was going to say.

"Hey, listen, uhm," The taller one went on, "If you want, we can hang out this weekend?"

I nodded despite standing there taking in what he had told me. 

"Alright, cool. So, see you then?" Minho smiled at me, and I smiled back. We kept looking at one other, and neither of us wanted to break eye contact. I finally hurried to my house and entered, blushing slightly. Is it a date? Nah, nah, you’re crazy. It’s totally not. 

I began to search around my living room for my dad, but figured that since it's becoming late, they might be asleep. I mentally noted that I will talk to him more before he leaves for work tomorrow morning when I woke up. After walking the flight of stairs to my room, I completed my night routine and was soon ready for bed. As I lay in bed tonight, I pondered how quickly today went from being just normal to not so normal. Since I had nothing planned for tomorrow, I thought I should stay home and perhaps look up old strange incidents that occurred in my town a long time ago on the internet. It's been a while since I last hunted a ghost. I should do it again. 

I should just go to sleep.

I sleep well alone now

NEXT JOURNAL

AUTHOR'S NOTE ➳ this one is kinda rushed but i hope u still enjoy it! make sure u read the warnings before u read each chapter bc i update it every chapter :p

TAGLIST ➳ @estella-novella @melanctton