critique your selfie

Thank you madmadymae ! The first day the monthlies can be messy, how brave of you to share this selfie, I thank you.

Well Mae, the lighting is great. This is a good quality smart phone pic. We’re moving forward in technology; all those billboards spouting “taken with an iPhone” are heralding todays affluence in picture quality. All the better for better selfies!

I like your cats eyes. Lipstick matching the scarf. You know I could imagine seeing you in public walking around and wouldn’t think you were an extra in an after school low budget video shoot, I would think you’re making zombie-survival look at THING! And how cool. And why not. Twilight was a thing. Still is for some people.

I don’t understand.

It has to be a transferred teenage hickey lust. How cute.

I hope your short film went well! I like your healthy young face.

Thank you femisanthrope

Well congrats - I like the coordination of your beautifully blonded platinum hair and white shirt. I like matchy matchy.

And the light is a soft glow, like early morning. You are so fricken cute, and looking a bit cheeky Twilight fannish with your blood red nails, blood tinged eye shadow, and a generally subtly cheeky bedroom look.

Did you just wake up from Twilight themed sex with your SO and take this pic. Basking in the afterglow of sex euphoria and the oxytocin satisfaction of waking up next to your lover?

Thank you oliviap1998

I’m not sure what you want to get out of this. This is not a face or beauty competition, this is a selfie art of photography competition. And there is no art in this selfie.

You look like a cute non-cis-female girl. Is it wrong to say that? Sorry. I couldn’t help projecting my expectations of what a puberty stricken teenage girl would dress as if she identified as cis-female, but because you don’t fit my narrow prism of what a cis-female is, I’ve slot you into a non-binary non-cis female gender, did I get the terminology right there? Anyway, who gives a fuck about your gender.

But really, do you want to be a boy?

Thank you for your submission! the-nerdy-fangirl She says “this is me and one of my best friends, @rachalsey ” - NAW

Well… eye make up on fleek.

Rachals purple lipstick on fleek AND on trend.

Great cheek sucking in muscles… you know what they say about chicks with cheek sucking in muscles…. 

… effective fish lip action.

Well aren’t you a beautiful wood nymph  fakeliving!

The snapchat filters are quite flattering and can make many a person brave enough to take, let alone share, a selfie.

Besides the virtually added decorations, I like your make up and nose ring. You seem like a woman who cares about her appearance and is okay to own her image. You even have a tatt on your wrist! What does it say? Your pensive pose with pursed lips withhold much information. You are a mysterious, enchanted wood nymph.

Or maybe it’s those glittering butterflies floating above your head, I’m easily influenced.

Lighting, vertical tilt and clarity of image have room for improvement.

Hell-llo!  circumcisedgod

You must not have intended to send me this picture, as you sent me a second, cropped and instagram filtered picture too.

I was saddened by the cropped image in how you omitted your house number. I like the house number being there. It is an intimate detail, as I assume its about where you live, yet it’s not revealing at all, as its not connected to a street, a suburb, a “zip code” as you yankees call it, or a country; it is meaningless. It is disconnected, which heightens our sense of disconnect.

You sent me this personal picture of yourself, in front of your house (I’m assuming), looking in a particular way that I am not familiar with, and listening to music I will never hear.

Why did you send me this pic? What did you think I would think about it?

Let me be honest on some points. I like the curl in your moustache, your glasses are on trend (on #fleek), and frankly I assume you are American. Big clue is your username “circumcised god” - only Americans would do such an outdated, sadistic tradition (to men only- this time!) to people who aren’t even jewish. Actually, you may be jewish.

How weird is it that being jewish is a “race” AND a religion. Crazy! Seems like a pretty exclusive group.

I don’t like writing jewish with a capital J. It also looks very close to jew fish. The word… “jew”… it’s not very palatable. The harsh, abrupt “JGE” sound, followed by “ewww”.

So dude, you are a privileged, semi jew, who reveals very intimate information about himself without revealing anything at all, and poses in an aloof pose, made more aloof with the music earbuds and irony that you are taking a selfie. You are fuckable though. I imagine you work in design, or advertising, or IT. Or a student trying to. You live with your parents. What a pity.

Looks like KK got it from her mama!

The Kardashians are unfortunately notorious for their selfie habits, with this shot captured the in wild by an observer of a selfie being taken, and not the selfie product itself. These observer pictures are always valuable, because it highlights the contextual reality behind a selfie picture - you look like a douche taking it.

Thank you, viewer, for sending your selfie.

Your selfie comes with a nice warm face light - is this from the room or did you add an additional glowing warmth light.. because I feel glowing warmth from your selfie.

Sorry to say this, but your friend seems cooler than you... and I don’t mean in a popularity at highschool type way, but a serene, chill way. She’s looking at the camera as if there is something on the other side of it... a mirror perhaps. She’s serene enough to keep her mouth shut too... no need for pleading, approval grabbing smile.

You seem chill too. You have great eyebrows, a fun, ready-for-anything bun, and some red lippy. Your flannel says chill too. Are you interested in women by any chance? Maybe your friend...? You would make an adorable couple, I love it. 

How is this? 

Hi viewer, thank you for submitting your selfie.

Can I ask you a question straight out? You seem straight up gay. Are you gay? I’m just getting gay vibes.

Where in the world are you? I can’t tell if you’re American, French, Afghani or in Egypt. You could be from anywhere.

This is obviously a bathroom shot, hence the towels in the background. Does this mean you don’t have your work room, or you’re sharing your dwelling that the bathroom is the only place you get privacy? You must be sharing, and not have your own place. I feel sorry for you on that.

The bathroom is small you, you must definitely be sharing. So you must be a student or a young traveller.

This was also a night photo, or after work. You’re in your relaxed pj’s. You’re fit. You must be sleeping with someone, or on the lookout. You’re just comfortable in yourself, and wanting to share that with someone... you possibly already are.

Thank you. You’r arm position also says you’re keen for approval. I don’t think you needed to do that, it only gave you gay vibes.

Here's a cringe-worthy obnoxiously ironic Sydney hipster event:

TAKE-A-SELFIE-WITH-HIPSTER-SANTA SELFIE!

Yes, lost Gen Y's and wannabe Gen Y's, there was a time (in 2013) when it was advertised via social media (pedestrian.tv or concreteplayground) that you could meet this self-confessed hipster santa and take ironic hilarious post modern meta selfies with!!! ORMG RU SRSLY, YOLO n ALL THAT STUPID $%&*$!

(Gasp. Breathe)

Now, for notes on this selfie.

This is a photo of a selfie, so it doesn't essentially count as a selfie and therefore I cannot critique it as so.

Hence, judging this photo in this detached perspective I will analyse the quality of this photo of a selfie.

Well, for one, we have no idea where this selfie is shot. It is obviously a metropolitan city, and we can safely assume it is Sydney, but for the lay observer it is not explicit where it is. We can garner from this observation that the check-in location is not essential to the object of this photo.

The main object of this photo is the hipster Santa, looking uncharacteristically friendly and with a natural, pleasant smile; with a non-elite/non-hipster female acquaintance.

This photo blows so many minds because of it is hideously unnatural environment and content. The fact is this photo only exists for two reasons: a) hipster santa self promotion b) hipster Sydneys idea of a fun event promotion (filler content)

The only outcomes of this event and selfie? - Bragging rights to other hipsters; "OMG.. RAAAAANDOMMM!" - Promotional content for social media websites, traffic, click bait - Instagram uploads, towards further social media promotion; fishing for comments like; "wtf? randommmm!"

Wake up hippie yuppies. The internet is forever, our spawn is gonna read this sh!t.

I can’t track down who this cos-player is, but BOOM! Cos it just got sexy in here.

Wow, how can I fault this? This Rachida Jones look-a-like has also pulled off a stunning Tomb Raider cos-play outfit, so you can’t dis her pride in taking a selfie pic despite it clearly being in her bathroom.

If only she didn’t go that one step further and take a flash-in-the-mirror selfie - you’re in the bathroom, JUS DOOET.

Man selfies. Does this look weird to you? Well, that is because; it is.

Besides this being a weird man selfie, it was actually the result of a 'tard selfie cos he stole a 12 year olds phone and took this pic (stealing phone article).

A few notes on the selfie:

Okay it looks like he's looking at himself side-on, which is weird cos its obvious he took this photo from the mirror. He didn't have the skillz, and the dexterity involved in doing a selfie mono y mano, he needed a mirror.

BUT THEN, he can't even manufacture a natural pose, he goes for the unsure puckered lips look. It's like he was enjoying his face in the mirror then happened to take the pic. What is this? This is terrible posing and selfie taking. That's what it is.

Also, I can't tell if you're in an unfurnished apartments living room, or you have a single bed in your unfurnished bland bedroom. Either way, it represents the lack of personality you seem to have. Not that materials necessarily accurately reflect your personality, but I must admit I'm going by the heavyweight bias of knowing you stole a 12 year olds phone.

Well, I wonder who this lucky girl is that got herself as the image definition of "selfie" on dictionary.com WELL DONE.

We will forever not know who you are except for as "that bitch that went to the Colosseum". 

What makes a selfie is the evidence of one or two arms heading towards the camera, indicated that the portrait was self-taken. This chick is at the colosseum which is evidently a tourist icon of Rome; despite only less than a quarter of the Colosseum is shown, it is still recognisable.

The fact that the Colosseum is not the central subject matter of the portrait reveals that this portrait is about her, the girl central to the image (another requirement of the selfie).

This is her (self)image saying - "hi, its me, and I'm next to the Colosseum looking happy on vacation". It was probably a brag photo to friends on facebook. 

Hey Bea from thankgoditsbea.blogspot.com.au, how are you? Critique of your selfie time...

Well Bea, its hard to avoid saying that you're ultra cute.

The compliments (on your looks) stops there.

I like the setting you've chosen. It's obviously against a wall, and being pink, I'm guessing its your bedroom wall from your childhood, that you're still living in. You're still living with your parents. But, who isn't? We're the kippers generation thanks to the boomers stealing all the property investments, right? I think thats a valid excuse. Boomers, go home! Just one home!

You have a cute pixie haircut. You're up with the trends, or at least trying to be alternative. Thats a cool trend to be!

Hipster glasses, obviously not prescription (or if they are, why), but you wore them for a reason. And congrats, you're now on "critique my selfie" because of them!

The reflection in your glasses reveal that this is a true selfie, and your vaguely shocked opened mouth pose is a great one as it signifies the presence of surprise. This is a surprise selfie you took yourself.

As well, since you're taking it photo up against a wall, by yourself, with your face taking up over half of the photo, it gives the inclination of the idea that you are the only person in the world (or in the room). This is a selfie at its best - a self centered selfie.

WOW! Never thought I'd see the day! Dog poses, takes selfie, attaches it to email, clicks send- all because he saw my tumblr and wants to be tumblr famous. Good boy, dog! That's a gooood boy!

Now. Lets get to business.

You, are a cool dog. Not a hot dog! Hah. I really dig the Ray Bans and how they match the toy thing hanging off your collar, and MY GOD how do you hold the camera like that with no opposable thumbs?