heaven can't help me now

*A guy and a girl walk in and order their coffee. They sit across from each other and just start talking. The guy asks her if she'd like to go out with him. She politely turns him down and says she's not interested. The guy begins to rant about how "nice guys finish last"*

Guy: I've known you since freshman year! I've been there during all your break ups with jerks and you treat me like this?

Girl: So just because you're there for me, I should date you? Is that what you're saying?

Guy: I'm just saying you should give me a chance.

Girl: Listen, I just don't like you in that way. I'm not looking for a relationship and I want us to be friends, and nothing more. I'm sorry, I just want to stay where we are right now.

Guy: Why don't you like me? It's because I'm not an asshole, huh?

Girl: You gotta be fucking kidding me. You seriously think I go for guys who treat me like garbage? I go for guys who I like, guys who don't play the "nice guys finish last" card.

Guy: I'm just saying what needs to be said. You don't appreciate all the things that I've done for you.

Girl: Oh yeah? Like what?

Guy: There was that one time I got you some pads when you were on your...you know....

Girl: OH, SO BECAUSE YOU HELPED ME PREVENT MY PANTIES FROM LOOKING LIKE SOMETHING THAT CLEANED UP A MURDER SCENE, I SHOULD TOTALLY FUCK YOU, RIGHT?

Guy: Please, just lower your voice, you're causing a scene-.

Girl: NO, LET THEM KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKWAD THAT THINKS I SHOULD RIDE YOUR DICK JUST BECAUSE YOU TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN.

Girl: I don't owe you ANYTHING. I'm grateful for the things you've done for me, but it's hard to remain grateful when you act like an inconsiderate jerk like you're doing right now.

Girl: Do me a favor and get your head out of your ass, it's not a hat. Stick to a fedora like all the other "friend-zoned" guys out there.

*the whole cafe sits in silence*