Incorrect Beetlejuice Quotes

Charles: Yes, I have the key.

Lydia: I’m so excited for this Broadway show!! You guys are going to love it!! Okay maybe not you Delia, but everyone else is going to love it!! Especially- hey wait, where’s Beej?

News Reporter: There appears to be a man in a striped suit on top of the One Times Square, better known as the tower that the New Years Eve Ball descends from. As you can see here it looks the man is trying to grab the ball. Fire fighters are trying to reach the man to bring him down.

Lydia: You’ve got to be kidding me. Now we’re gonna be late for the show!!

Charles: Adam, Barbara, you two were supposed to watch him!!

Adam: He was right next to us when we were crossing the street, I swear!!

Charles: Ughhh Lydia can we get him later? It’s already going to be very embarrassing when we have to retrieve him. Let’s just do it after the show.

Lydia: No, and you should be used to the embarrassment by now. I am.

Charles: That’s because you usually help him pull these stunts. Ever since he’s joined us your dignity has gone out the window.

Lydia: That is not true.

Everyone: …

Lydia: Wait, duck autocorrect.

Lydia: *duck

Lydia: *duck

Lydia: *duck

Lydia: *duck

Beetlejuice: Goose?

Lydia:

Lydia: I will ducking exorcise you

Adam: Even for me and Barb?? We’re adults!!

Delia: Just read them.

Adam: ‘Make sure Lydia and her trash gremlin follow their instructions…’ Ohhh…

Beetlejuice: Mine just says ‘BJ no.’

Beetlejuice: *hugs Lydia*

Beetlejuice: No…

Adam: Then what’s that on your mouth, nose and pants?

Beetlejuice: Oh that’s cocaine.

Adam: You know, I actually can’t tell if he’s telling the truth or not.

Lydia: No, he’s lying. Why would cocaine be around his mouth?

Adam: Why would powdered sugar be all over his nose?

Lydia: I wish to devour the unborn.

Beetlejuice *in text*: The knife wasn’t supposed to be there

Beetlejuice *in text*: Or was it??

Adam: Beetlejuice, we’re in the same room. You don’t need to text me. And even if the knife was supposed to be there I’m dead so it doesn’t matter.

Beetlejuice *in text*: Aww you just couldn’t stay away from me so you just had to come in here didn’t you🥰

Adam: First, Beetlejuice can you just talk to me instead of texting in response to what I say? This is the attic... Where Barbara and I sleep? You literally kicked the door open and sat on all of our… stuff. I guess it doesn’t matter because we were going to throw them away anyway.

Barbara: Yeah don’t worry about it! We gotta stick to Maitlands 2.0!

Beetlejuice: *looks up at Adam with a smug look on his face*

Adam: What?

Beetlejuice *in text*: Did you just ask me to talk to you?

Adam *in text*: Yes because texting me while you’re in the same room as me is ridiculous and when I’m talking out loud and you’re not responding out loud it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me look schizophrenic.

Beetlejuice *in text*: Then beg

Beetlejuice: Okay. I laughed when Bambi’s mom got shot, I love cuddling, and I ran over an entire preschool class with a tank.

Lydia: You did not just say that. You can’t be that heartless.

Beetlejuice: What?? It was an accident!! They’re like 2 feet tall, what do you expect??

Lydia: No, I mean Bambi’s mom getting shot. Well, now I know which ones the lie.

Adam and Barbara: Me too.

Charles: Yes, I think it’s pretty obvious which ones the lie.

Lydia, Adam, and Barbara: The lie is that you laughed when Bambi’s mom got shot.

Charles: People who sleep with socks on shouldn’t be trusted.

Barbara: ...

Lydia: People who sleep are weird.

Beetlejuice: I sleep with one sock on.

Lydia: You “sleep” with your eyes open too.

Beetlejuice: I am DEAD.

Lydia: So are Adam and Barbara, but you don’t see them sleeping with their eyes open.

Beetlejuice: Yeah, but that’s cause they’re still newbies.

Adam: Excuse me?

Barbara: What?

Beetlejuice: Just sayin’... when you’re dead for over hundreds of years you start to realize that a lot of things you used to do are useless now. Like panicking over paying taxes. *looks at Adam*

Adam: Look it’s because we’ve been existing like we’re still alive so I panicked because I couldn’t- and well it was only one time!!!

Beetlejuice: See, trying to defend yourself is another useless thing. It’s much easier to just admit that you’re a newbie.

Barbara *peering into the bowl*: Hey Lydia! Whatcha making?

Lydia: Brownies. I’ve been missing my mom lately and wanted to make her brownie recipe. They were my favorite when I was little.

Barbara: Aww, Lydia that’s so sweet. I bet they tasted amazing. Can I help? Or would you rather do it by yourself since-

Lydia: You can help.

[Lydia opens the fridge]

Lydia: Oh. We’re out of eggs.

Charles *walking in*: You should’ve checked the fridge before you started making them.

Lydia: Nah, it’s okay. Hey Beetlejuice!!

Beetlejuice *appearing next to her*: Are you finally ready to do something fun instead of playing easy bake oven with Babs?

Lydia: Just get me some blood, okay?

Barbara: BLOOD?!?

Beetlejuice: Whose blood and how much?

Lydia: I don’t care. Just pick one. And I need 112 grams.

Beetlejuice *with an evil grin on his face*: Okay. I have someone in mind...

Barbara: Why do you need blood??

Lydia *calling out to BJ*: An animal, you idiot!!

Beetlejuice *yelling back*: YOU’RE NO FUN

Barbara: Again, why do you need blood??

Lydia: Because blood can be a substitute for eggs.

Barbara: What?!?! We’re not baking blood into the- we could just go to the store!!

Lydia: Nah, that’ll take a lot longer.

Barbara: And killing someone won’t??

Lydia: *points behind her without turning around*

Beetlejuice *appearing behind her finger*: Here ya go, babes. Nice, fresh, human blood.

Lydia: *glaring at him*

Beetlejuice: Taping Lydia’s face marker to the ceiling.

Barbara: You mean her eyeliner...? Why?

Beetlejuice: Yeah, sure, that. This is day four of taping her things to the ceiling until she notices. Tomorrow I’m doing her choker.

Barbara: Umm okay, but-

BJ: And before you say I should tape myself to the ceiling, I can’t. It has to be something she would look for.

Barbara:

Beetlejuice: Trust me, I disappeared on her for three days to see how she’d react and the minute I came back I asked her if she missed me and she said, “Oh, you were gone?”

Barbara: Aww, I’m sure she was just saying that.

Beetlejuice: It’s fine. Whatever. I mean if she left for that long I wouldn’t care either.

Adam *walking in*: Beetlejuice, you constantly complain to us how bored you are and ask us what time Lydia gets home.

Beetlejuice: Yeah, well that’s because you two are boring. And I want to know what time she gets home so we can prank her neighbor because we do it everyday. And everytime I ask you guys to do it with me you say no because it’s “mean”.

Beetlejuice x Gravity Falls Fanfic

Description:

Stanford is out to seek some paranormal adventure when his brother Stanley decides to join him. But what they find at an old abandoned house is bigger than they expected. It happens to lead them to two important people who happen to be family. One of them they hadn’t seen in a long time, and the other they’ve never met.

Part 2 to “Goodbye for Now...”

Delia: Lydia.

Lydia: What?

Delia: I can sense a depressing energy coming off of you.

Lydia: And? I’m always depressed.

Delia: The energy is different this time. What’s wrong?

Lydia: He hasn’t written to me yet.

Delia: Oh, Lydia. I’m sure he will! He’s probably just busy.

Lydia: Well apparently he’s been too busy to write me a letter for 8 months. Honestly, at this point I’m starting to think that.... that he’s not coming back at all. *starts to tear up*

Delia: Lydia, no! Don’t say that! You don’t know that. Maybe they’re having mail issues?

Lydia: Or maybe he can’t come back and he doesn’t know how to tell me and then we can never talk again- *puts her head on the table*

[A flame appears in midair in front of Lydia revealing a black envelope that falls in front of her]

[Lydia lifts her tear stained face, shocked to see it]

Lydia *she smiles wiping her tears*: Beetlejuice!!

Delia *gasp*: Open it!!

Lydia *reading it out loud*:

Dear Ex Wife,

I know this letter’s late and I can already hear your frustraited screams because you wanted me to write to you so shut up. Anyway I really miss you kid. Working here at the Netherworld has had its ups and downs. Mostly downs. Literly all I’m doing is showing newlydeads around and giving them a tour. I’m basicly doing my mother’s job. Don’t get me wrong, I love bursting into song to explain to people about the fact that they’re gonna spend an eternity in the darkest and emptiest place and that they’re gonna be lonely for the rest of their (dead) lives and I get to sing it cheerfuly to give them false hope so they don’t try to go back to earth before they’ve gone through the security door, but it gets old after you’ve done it for thousands of people. And the biggest downside of being here is that you’re not here so I get very bored. I miss creating chaos and comiting arson with you. Right. I should probably get to what you’ve been wanting to hear. Well, honestly, there’s been so many signs that have pointed towards no, like the biggest one being this lady Miss Argentina telling me that I’m going to have to stay here forever to compleetly take my mom’s job because I killed her. Honestly I shouldn’t have even written this letter if there’s no s̶̷h̶̷o̶̷w̶̷ t̶̷o̶̷ c̶̷o̶̷m̶̷e̶̷ b̶̷a̶̷c̶̷k̶̷ t̶̷o̶̷ way I can come back now. I guess I’ll just suprise you when I come home. Even though Miss Argentina says I need to take my mom’s place and become the ruler of the Netherworld. You’d think I’d be interested in becoming the ruler of the Netherworld. Can you imagine? All that power! Actually it sounds very enticing. Okay I better go. I got another batch of newlydeads to entertain. Have fun trying to figure out if I’m coming back or not. Byeeeeee

Lydia: THAT LITTLE SON OF A-

Delia *scolding*: Lydia!!!

Lydia: He’s purposely trying to confuse me! He can’t just leave me wondering if he’s coming back or not!! I have to know!!

Delia: If he wrote “Have fun trying to figure out if I’m coming back or not,” then wouldn’t that mean he’s most likely coming back?

Lydia: Yeah you’re probably right. But still, I want a definite answer.

Delia: He’s not actually going to take over as ruler of the Netherworld, right?

Lydia: No, that’s not him. As much as he has a lust for power, he knows it’s not filling. He realized that after I killed him. And you know it’s just like people say, “Money can’t buy you happiness.” Sure, you’ll be happy at first, but eventually you’ll become empty and depressed. Besides he told me before he left that he hates the Netherworld. He told me exactly what I had felt when I went to the Netherworld. It’s dark, depressing and empty.

Lydia: Wait, he wrote something at the bottom. How did I not see that?

Hahahahahaaaa!! I can already hear your confused screaming from here! Anyway I wrote the answer on the back.

Lydia *to herself*: I wasn’t screaming you self absorbed idiot.

Also I know I have bad grammar and spelling so shutup. What? It’s not like there’s a spell check when I’m writing these letters.

[Lydia flips the letter over]

I talked to Miss Argentina more about going back and she kept insisting that they all needed me, (that’s a first) but then she started feeling bad and said that they’ll try to find someone to replace me. Guess my sexy looks got to her. Anyway I’m pleased to tell you that… I’m coming back!! :) I’m coming home. Funny thing about the word home. My mom always said that the Netherworld is my home and that I needed to come back to it. The thing is, even though I’m “home” now and even though things have been nice here, it doesn’t feel like home. I realize now that home isn’t really a place that you have to live in whether you want to or not. It’s where you feel most wanted and acceppted. It’s where you want and acceppt the people surounding you. It’s where you belong. It’s you guys. Anyway, I’ll be back April 8th. Yes this year. Well technicly next year it just feels like it’s this year. 2022. Until then, hang in there scarecrow. Look! I got that sentence gramaticaly correct! Anyway give everyone except your dad my love. See ya soon! Byeeeeeee

Lydia *hugging her*: Delia he’s coming back!!!

Delia: That’s great news!!! We should celebrate when he returns!

Lydia *jumping up and down*: Guys!! He’s coming back! He’s coming back!!

Adam: That’s wonderful! As much as I hate getting harassed by him, I do miss him every once and a while.

Barbara: That’s great, Lydia! Now you have something to look forward to! When is he coming back?

Lydia: This coming April!

Beetlejuice: I’m playing hard to get.