Creative Resistance Photography

Layers, Translucence.

      times square

they were scared

of how

lady pets her beard

my own is gone

coworker asked to walk her home. he wouldn’t be treating her to no bus ride, he suggested walking because his bus card didn’t have any more taps on it. he walked her home and then asked to come inside and rest his feet. he rested his feet while he lounged on her bed. he lounged on her bed while he rubbed, scratched and ran his feet back and forth in her nest of blankets. he liked being there- he said. his feet looked dry, his ankles ashy, he seemed unkempt. the same pants he traipsed the city in, riding city buses, and sitting at desks at work were now in her bed.

im hungry-he said.

yes, i’d like some tea-he accepted her kind manners.

brother shaved his afro so he could play in her soft, silky blonde hair

before her he would smack and grab the asses of the girls he slept with

It was ALWAYS like this. So much so that she didn't even think of it as a pattern that somehow emerged it was just the way things worked in their relationship. Perhaps it was the way things worked in every relationship. This was the way it worked (or didn't if you asked her friends): 1) There would be a disagreement about things she "didn't do right" such as putting the top back on the toothpaste or organizing the glasses in the cupboard or not answering her phone while she was out or not promptly calling him back from her friend's phone if her phone died or not charging her phone the night before or not turning her phone alarm down quick enough in the morning or repotting the window plants without an adequate soil transfer plan or not saying sorry enough when some of said window plants dried up and died because they were repotted in the incorrect soil because there was no adequate repotting plan. 2) She would genuinely attempt to see the mountain in these molehills. 3) He would stand on his mountains and berate her for being so thoughtless, inconsiderate or simply, unlike him. 4) She would attempt to feel the gravity that he felt through these issues. She would attempt to explain herself. She would try to make him understand that she didn't like the idea of disappointing him- his reactions to disappointment were so intense. His anger was disproportionate, he was let down by the smallest of transgressions. She tried to make him understand without really stating these things- she knew he would not handle the truth well- it was it’s own disappointment. 5) "Your reasons don't matter, don’t try to justify this" he would state. "This issue is symbolic of this other larger issue," he would instruct her. "If you are careless enough or lack the consideration to truly understand how this seemingly small issue is actually represents your entire life in microcosm, then I don't even know who you are." 6) Statements like this would always activate the sizzling burn of tear ducts in the corners of her eyes. I don't know even who you are. I don't know how we even made it this far. You're a bitch. I'm trying really hard to not put my hands on you right now. It's scary to me that we can still have such different understandings of things. This is obviously not going to work out for us. I think you're full of shit. 7) She would cry a lot. She will cry a lot. She cries a lot around him. 8) Upon seeing her tears there would be a tinge of understanding on his part that he has gone too far. He will not fully understand where he crossed the line because he has issues with empathy but he will feel bad and will be a bit angry at her for making him feel bad about making her cry. 9) There will be days between their speaking. They will cross each other in the den, ignore the steam from one another's showers, cook the groceries they bought together separately and carry on this way until their longing for one another pushes out the anger and hurt. 10) They will be back to their old ways. He will make her laugh and be grateful that she doesn't take him to task about his anger problem or his OCD or his narcissism. Things will blow over and mend just as quietly as they boiled over.

                                                              ...

                                                          Repeat.

                                                              ...

She won't ever understand how things get so bad so quickly. Try as she might, no equation will balance the things he says to her with her own scathing words that she will never be able to break to him. She understands her strength and power even as he practices exerting his own feeble force on her. Chemical equations cannot always explain the timing and force of an eruption. She could not understand his chemistry. She will take it all on and not call him what he is. She will never manage to stop doing the small things that tip him over the edge. After 2 years, she will stop trying to understand and will finally accept that the fighting has nothing to do with her. After 2 years, he will chuck a sandwich at her in the car

“You blatantly ignored Kristen at the restaurant, walked right by her while she was trying to say hello to you.”

                                                                                     “I didn’t see her, I’m sorry”

8 v.563) He realizes that she truly hadn't seen the "slighted" friend, he apologizes. And tries to explain the inner eruption that is always too quick to swallow back down. He says that he is getting better at managing his anger. He says that this fight was not that bad considering some others.

You are not here.

we cried for all there is to

know, yes, hot slow tears.