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at night, when he lies awake, he can feel the distance between you in inches. you face the wall, and he stares at the ceiling, counting the breaths you take just to make sure you’re still there. he’s scared to sleep first, scared you’ll stop breathing if he does. he doesn’t tell you that, of course. he just stays awake and memorizes the rhythm of your inhale and exhale until the sun bleeds through the blinds.

you used to talk in metaphors. “if i was a season, i’d be spring,” you said once, sitting in the passenger seat with your feet on the dash. “because everything feels new, but it’s still cold.” he thought that was beautiful at the time. now he thinks maybe you were trying to tell him something, that the cold never really left you, that it just waited until the world went quiet enough for it to settle in.

you’ve stopped wearing color. suguru noticed that first. your closet used to be a mess of prints, cute shirts, and hoodies you’d steal from him, but now it’s just greys and blacks, folded too neatly. it’s like you’re trying to disappear, piece by piece.

when he mentions it, you just shrug and say you "don’t feel like dressing up anymore." he nods, even though it breaks his heart. because he gets it. because there was a time when he felt the same way, when even existing felt like dragging a body made of cement through every hour.

"honey, i know how this feels. i wish you'd just talk to me..."

"theres nothing to talk about, suguru."

that’s the thing that hurts the most. he knows how it feels. and he hates that knowing doesn’t make him any better at helping.

he calls in sick more often now. stays home to make sure you’re not spending the entire day staring at the ceiling. he coaxes you into the shower, sits outside the bathroom door while you’re in there, just listening for movement. when you finally step out, wrapped in a towel, he smiles and says, “see? small steps.” you nod but your eyes are empty, "hmm." and he has to look away because it kills him to see you like that.

sometimes you cry out of nowhere. you’ll be sitting on the couch, staring at nothing, and then suddenly your shoulders shake and your breath catches and it’s like something inside you finally cracked. he doesn’t ask why. he just holds you, lets you ruin his shirt with tears, whispers that it’s okay, that you’re safe, that you’re allowed to feel whatever this is. he says it like a mantra, even when he’s not sure he believes it himself.

and when you finally stop, you always say the same thing. “i’m sorry.”

he hates that word now. sorry.

you don’t owe him apologies for hurting. you don’t owe anyone that. but he knows you can’t help it. the guilt is just another thing depression gives you for free.

he starts writing little notes. leaves them on your nightstand, on the bathroom mirror, inside your book. things like, “you’re still here. that’s enough.” or “i love you, even when you think the worlds against you.” he never knows if you read them, but sometimes he finds them folded in your pocket or tucked under your pillow, so maybe you do. maybe that’s something.

he wishes he could tell you that it’s not your fault, that he doesn’t blame you for the way things are. but he also can’t lie, he’s tired... he misses you. he misses you so fucking much, he misses himself too. the house used to feel like home, now it just feels like a waiting room.

one night, after you’ve been asleep for hours, he goes outside for a smoke. the air’s cold enough to bite. he leans against the railing and stares at the stars, wondering if they look any different when you’re sad. he thinks about calling his old therapist, but the thought of explaining what’s going on feels impossible. how do you say “the girl i love is drowning and i can’t swim anymore” without sounding pathetic?

he stays out there for a while, the glow of his cigarette the only light. when he comes back inside, you’re standing in the doorway, eyes half-open, wearing one of his shirts. you look small, fragile.

“couldn’t sleep?” you ask. your voice is soft, raw.

“yeah,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “just needed some air.”

you nod, like you understand. then, after a pause, “i’m sorry.”

he steps closer, reaches out, rests a hand on your cheek. “stop saying that,” he whispers.

you lean into his touch. for the first time in a long while, you don’t pull away. he feels something shift in the air, a tiny crack in the glass between you.

“i don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you say, voice shaking. “i can’t feel anything, and i hate it. i hate that you’re trying so hard and i can’t even—”

“hey,” he interrupts gently. “you don’t have to fix it right now.”

“but i want to,” you say, and that’s when he feels the sting in his throat, the tears pressing hot behind his eyes. because that’s the first time in months you’ve said you wanted anything.

he pulls you into his chest, wraps his arms around you like he can hold you together by sheer force. your face buries against his neck, your breath trembling against his skin. he closes his eyes and breathes you in, shampoo, salt, the faint scent of smoke from outside. it feels human. alive.

“you’re still you,” he says quietly. “even when it doesn’t feel like it. you’re still my baby, my girl.”

you don’t answer, but your hand grips the back of his shirt, and that’s enough.

the next morning, the light hits different. you’re still quiet, but when he makes coffee, you take a sip. he doesn’t comment, just watches as you sit at the table, staring into the mug like it’s something sacred. there’s a small crease between your brows, but your shoulders are less tense.

later, he finds you standing by the window, sunlight on your face. you’re wearing a pale blue sweater he hasn’t seen in months. you turn to look at him, and for a split second, your lips twitch upward. it’s not a full smile, but it’s something.

“hey,” you say softly. “thanks for staying.”

he crosses the room, presses a kiss to your temple. “always.”

and that’s it. no dramatic ending, no miraculous recovery. just two people, still trying. the air feels lighter somehow. the silence between you doesn’t hurt as much. maybe tomorrow you’ll laugh again, or maybe you won’t, but for now, you’re here, and he’s here, and that’s enough.

when night comes, he finds you already in bed, curled up on your side. he slides in next to you, close enough that your backs touch. it’s small, but it’s connection. you reach back, grab his hand, and hold it. he squeezes once, firm and steady, like a promise.

and for the first time in a long time, he sleeps before you do.

aww im gonna kms