pour échapper à la réalité

Everywhere I go, Lights Down Low comes on like life is tryna play games with me.

I talked to Bella for the first time today, and I asked her if she misses daddy. She looked at me, then she tucked her face between my arm and chest, so I said to her I miss him a lot too. I cried a little. Every time I hold her, I think back to the day I surprised you with her. I wonder if you have any idea how much I still hurt. But then again, you wouldn’t be messaging me with troubles if you did, knowing there’s nothing you’ll allow me to do.  

If there's one thing left to say to you is this: don't keep turning your back on the people who genuinely care about and love you. We're not always gonna be here when you're knocked so low, so deep into the ground where your thoughts of suicide start to creep up on you again. Just really think about it..

Ps. Enjoy what you’ve read thus far? I know your ass been lurking. You know exactly who the fuck you are. 

No matter who I’m with or where I’m at, it’s you that’s on my mind and in my heart. I can’t fight it, nor can I win. When will I start to hurt less, think less, cry less..? When will it get easier..? I do believe that time heals all, but do I even want to be healed? I’ve been avoiding many places and things so I’m not reminded of the happiness it once brought us, but when I’m caught off guard, I’m instantly drowned with sorrow, loneliness, and nostalgia. The endless laughter we shared, the songs we sang, the time we spent forging this special bond - it’s all gone.. 

👩🏻🐶🎀My little baby: You've always been the innocent one, and Mommy's so sorry. | #corgisofinstagram #iloveyou #loafofbread #stayapuppy4ever #plsstopeatingallmysandals🐾

Today I completely broke down at work. It wasn’t just one tear, but rather I was crying my eyes out and I couldn’t stop. Happiness was all I ever wanted for you, and I see that you’re happy now. In all honesty, nothing I ever did for you was enough because I was not the person you were hoping to receive love from. I have no choice but to understand that and push myself forward. I also understand your need to erase everything that tied us together because it poses a threat and will establish the breaking point to your relationship, a relationship you value more than anything, so do as you must. I recently unblocked you from everything and reactivated my instagram only to face the comfort I sought in denial and running away. I’ve also decided that because I know you’re trying your hardest not to have any sort of relations with me because it’ll be a means of walking on eggshells in your relationship, I won’t be writing on Tumblr anymore. There’s no need for you to be checking up on me because you’ve made your decisions. It doesn’t matter if I’m doing well or not anymore. I had a quick flash into the future today and saw the two of us rekindling even our fragile friendship, but I stopped myself from thinking further. I would’ve created this sort of hope for us again, and eventually would’ve brought me down. I can’t keep this sadness up forever, nor will I ever stop thinking about everything, but I have to start with acceptance somewhere. I would never be able to bring you greater happiness when you cling on so tight to what you hope to nurture with her, so good luck to the both of you. 

You were the one voice I kept hearing in my head when I was rolling tonight. All I could hear you say was “don’t grind, just kiss me. Just kiss me babe.” This was my first time at an event, but my first time feeling this carefree will always be with you. And every time after that will somehow link me back to this great nostalgic feeling created with you. I envisioned all these things we can do together, but after feeling so high tonight and not having the person I love most with me in any way, all the memories of us just came together and all that we pictured the future to be just started to slowly flutter away.. I never knew of a love so great, and I thought I was paving my way there, but I’ve lost my tracks. How do I make someone see how much they mean to me even after everything? How will I ever make you see..

Sitting in that bar with a ton of people surrounded me tonight, I still felt like the loneliest one there. There were good looking people left and right, but my heart was clinging on to you and I couldn’t look at no one else. All I kept doing was re-reading the few texts sent between W and I-the ones where I asked her how did you react to my final gift. I crumbled a little more each time I read the texts. She told me you still wanted to make things work with J. Even though I wished you luck, deep down I was still asking myself how could you throw away everything we built for happiness that’s not guaranteed. Why was our love not deserving of a chance. How genuine is she this time around after realizing she nearly lost you because I showed you I could love you better. How long can she keep it up.. I cried and cried and cried today wishing I could just pass away with two thousand sixteen. Not a thing in this world could lift me out of this pain I’m feeling. It doesn’t feel like a new year at all. 

I’m constantly reminded of you whether it’s at the cafe we ate at, or the song that comes on when I’m driving, or with the change of the weather, it’s you that’s on my mind. I've been apartment hunting lately and even that saddens me because it was just the other day you were telling me lies about how much you want to live with me and have a life with me. Why are you always on my mind.. And then the betrayal just creeps into each memory I have of us, and it’s like I have this conscience over my shoulder reminding me of the pain I felt that very morning, this conscience that’s actively encouraging me to give up. But what more is there to give up. I have nothing left..

Shot after shot, I still can’t seem to drown out the pain.. Goodbye.

You have absolutely shattered my heart.