haven't you ever wanted more time?

i think part of why the book canon of shane hooking up with two other people works for me is thinking about how disappointing it must’ve all been. he probably goes into it feeling almost optimistic. like okay, enough time has passed. maybe ilya is out of my system. maybe this is just a body problem. an itch i can scratch with a little friction and somebody else’s mouth. and then of course the awful part is that it does feel good, just not in the right way. he spends the entire time feeling the lack. their hands on him but in all the wrong places. they don’t pin him down and kiss him on the backs of his knees or behind his ears, everywhere, all over. he spends the whole time missing the exact kind of attention ilya pays to him that has ruined him for sex with other people forever. the devotion. and by the end the real disappointment isn’t even that these other guys can’t compare. it’s that shane, on some level, already knew they wouldn’t. the worst part is that i don’t think shane is even being fair about it. these guys are probably attractive, probably competent, probably doing everything right. and it still doesn’t matter, because what he wants isn’t “good.” he wants that terrible, microscopic feeling of ilya seeing right through him. how he takes every horrible, dirty thought shane has ever had and makes it into something good and permissible. not only something he’s allowed to want but something he deserves to have. of course nobody else can compete with that. ilya taught shane’s body to answer to him specifically. how could anyone else possibly keep up.

also reblogging to add like. how crazy i think this makes shane about the sex they’re having in general. i think he would honestly become so obsessive and crazy about the fact that nothing else feels as good. only ilya can get so deep. only ilya can make him come hands free. only ilya can tell him what to do and make him actually want to do it. do you know how insane that could make a person. to believe there’s only one pair of hands and one dick and one mouth that can make you feel liquid and white noise down to your toenails. god