so this might be a little all over the place, but that is kind of the function this serves for me. thoughts are supposed to start disorganized and become more coherent as I keep writing.
I'll try to include as little personal information as possible due to sensitivity & my own privacy. I've been going to therapy a bit lately to address some strong mood swings and essentially 'over-reactions' that I've been having. These seems to have picked up around the same time my girfriend moved in with me. this isn't entirely relevant to the story, but its a bit of context. My therapist has been asking me to record these periods of negative mood and pay attention to how the feelings feel in my body.
Today I went to my grandma's birthday party. she's very old, it was a milestone birthday, my extended family doesnt get together very often but we did for this. I took off work. It was also a chance for my partner to meet my extended family for the first time (since we don't get together that often)
I don't like my extended family. No one in my immediate family really does. They are white trash red necks and not in the fun way. Each one of the adults was abusive to their children, makes racist comments, abuses alcohol and other drugs, has been to jail, etc. Fist fights have broken out at family gatherings before.
Before I met my girfriend, I told everyone and myself that I would never introduce my partner to my family (including my immediate family). I didn't want to expose that future hypothetical person to all of the shit and gossip and violence that there is. And then I met my girlfriend, who is so wonderful. And before that, I came out to my parents, and it was okay. And all of my siblings are super supportive. And I wanted my girlfriend to get to know me a bit better, and I wan'ted my family to at least know who she was before we moved in together, so she met my parents last november. It went about as well as I could have expected it to. They said specifically that they were okay with her coming around as long as there was no PDA around my younger nephews in their house (mind you, the mother of those nephews, my sister, doesn't mind, but my parents say not in their house). I've made longer posts about that in the past, but this is really more or less fine. With busy schedules and a general lack of closeness, we really don't interact that often.
My girlfriend had previously met my grandma and one of my uncles, but none of the rest of my extended family. This seemed like as good of an opportunity as any, since she would probably have to meet them all sooner or later.
I was really anxious before. Bordering on about as anxious as I ever get. It was so bad at time that my hands and feet were tingling like hot and cold. I thought I might die. I was being a little bit frustrating to be around. My girlfriend was not anxious at all, because she has a really good relationship with her family and can't imagine the worst things that could happen. I told her she actually should be anxious, and that I wasn't being crazy, that these are not nice people and they can be violent. she didn't appreciate that.
she took that comment to mean she shouldn't talk to anyone or be herself. that's not exactly what I meant. the whole trip was about 6 hrs, 2hrs there, 2 hrs drive either way. She was annoyed at me and moslty silent for about 4 of that. I didn't want that to happen -- I just wanted her to be aware of the real risks that exist, and that we should keep our guard up and stay careful. no PDA, no making a scene. but she wasn't exactly wrong either. we didn't really talk to anyone at the gathering, so in one way it went well, but my parents kind of ignored her and she spent most of the time playing iwth the dog or the 2 and 4 year olds.
One thing that did happen is that my grandma introduced us to one of my aunts as "friends." my grandma also called both me and my girlfriend by the incorrect name twice during this interaction. Again, shes quite old and not still all there. I didn't correct her. My girlfriend is upset at this.
I maybe should not say that she is annoyed at me. she is very insistent that she is not annoyed or mad at me. she is very loving and patient. She admits that she is a little frustrated at me for how I acted beforehand and also that she is sad and upset at the general situation. She is upset at my family broadly and the fact that I don't feel safe around them.
A problem is that I do wish I had acted differently. I wish I had just said "yeah, my girlfriend" and put a hand on her shoulder. but in the moment I just felt frozen and kind of relieved actually that she had called her my friend. I wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. And I really wish I had been more brave. I love my girlfriend so much. I wish that love had been enough to push me out into that space of being brave. I worry that means she will think I don't love her enough
I should mention that I have gay relatives on this side of the family. I have a gay uncle and a gay cousin. I am not sure if either of them has attempted to bring a partner around the family per sey or how that has gone. I know my gay uncle has someone he calls his roomate. I genuinely don't know the nature of their relationship and if they are together, they have never been affectionate in front of me, I KNOW they have separate bedrooms, and there is a pretty large age gap, but they also send out christmas cards of them together. the roomate has been around as long as I can remember. It is probably unreasonable for me to beleive that I would really be the victim of a hate crime at a family gathering just because I brought my girlfriend. But it is not unreasonabl e for me to think that we might always be expected to act a certain way -- to keep a distance, to act like friends or roomates, to maintain plausible deniability. I can say that these people don't matter to me and that I might never see them again and I wouldnt care, and that would be partly true, but thats not the way life actually shakes out. I'll probably be around them again sometime in the future. And I don't want to act that scared again. I just felt so terrified and it felt impossible to overcome, like I was literally paralyzed. I feel like it harmed my relationship with the person who is the most important to me. Idk. I think this is where the post ends. I want to be better, but I don't know if I can, and I don't know what the consequences will be if I am.
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
areudirty
