regal swagger

apparently my boss who is a professor at my school doesn’t have a cell phone and his coworkers were upset by this so they bought him a childs toy phone and labeled it “David’s jitterbug” (for those of you that don’t know jitterbugs are phones made for old people that have like massive buttons and shit) so the other day I walked into his office to ask him a question and he pressed a button on it which made it start loudly playing the ABCs and he said “excuse me I have to take this” and then started singing along to the ABCs while shooing me out of his office

😂

it’s safe to assume that at any given moment i want to go back to bed

i couldnt survive in a sitcom

so many characters are just dicks for absolutely no reason and i would. simply have to punch them. the way people treat each other in like every single sitcom makes me so angry and i would be on full punch mode all the time and go to comedy jail

I need you to know that I would emphatically and without question pay real human dollars to watch a season of ‘Friends’ where you appear to routinely beat the shit out of Ross Geller

This is so accurate it hurts. 

I feel this with my entire mind body and soul.

This applies to garlic too

if aaron tveit doesn’t voice a disney prince one day i’ll riot

why are women who use a bow and arrow inherently attractive to all gay women?? I’m not complaining just curious like every wuhluhwuh i know fancied Susan from narnia like why is the gay hivemind focused on this

The implication of strong arms

god ur so right

also: Artemis made a Very big impression on gay woman culture 

no nonsense november. everyone just be fucking sensible for once.

the most disgusting thing about having a crush is that all your bullshit daydreams now have a face. every single thing you can think of and it’s always the same asshole

Donna Sheridan led a flash mob to “When I Kissed The Teacher” with feminine pronouns as the leader of a girl group and then proceeded to sleep with three different men in the span of like two weeks after deciding to just run off to a tiny Greek island where she eventually found Aphrodite’s fountain. She both sounds like a woman straight out of Greek mythology and also the definition of chaotic bisexual.

september is bisexual bewareness month… beware… be aware…. they’re out there. and no laws apply to them for the month………… good luck.

I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on

If someone doesn’t tell you they “love you, most ardently” in the pouring rain while looking at your lips like they desperately want to kiss you then what even is the point