2019 couldāve been better
While there were good days in 2019, there were quite a number of bad ones that have marred the good times. A lot of self discovery, heightened self-awareness, rockbottoming, picking myself up, bad news etc.
Not gonna say sth lame like ānew year, new meā sorta shit because I think itās more ānew experiences, new meā. Also realised that my old jokes no longer work the same on the same people. Guess I gotta embrace a milder self.
Glad though that through the bad shitty times my true friends surfaced. They were there for me day and night, provided me with shelter (emotionally and physically), took me in even though I was third wheeling and being a wet blanket, checked up on me and made sure I was ok. I realised that I didnāt have to keep all my shit to myself because Iāve only really known to show my happy-go-lucky side to others. I realised that there were people around me who were willing to shoulder some weight with me. And Iām so very glad they did. It was far too overwhelming and led to my next para.
The discovery of the necessity of self-love (and independence) was truly one that I have lost eons ago and one that I have recently rediscovered its importance. As I realised that Iāve fallen into the pit of putting others first and expecting the same in return but truthfully the only one that can put myself first is me. And the expectation of someone else putting you first was a lot of pressure and also an expectation that could be hard to live up to.
I also realised this year that feeling depressed is a real thing - not the kind that I often threw around as jokes. There were days that were dark and all I could do was spiral into a bottomless pit. So many questions and beating myself up internally. Crying for hours turned into days and pitying myself made it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shortly after, I learnt through means that as cliche as it is, kindness and not being critical/judgmental are so important not only for people around me, but for and on myself too. Being hard on myself, understandably, has been hard and has put so much pressure on myself. Still something I have to actively look out for.
I no longer believe that being positive would attract more positive because Iāve been quite positive in my life and look where Iāve landed. I now think itās also very important to look at the negatives and pick up lessons from there and turn them perhaps into a shield i.e. self-love.
Self-love is a topic that i feel isnāt spoken about enough and hence so easily forgotten. Self-love keeps you grounded, reminds you that even when you feel no love from others, you can still love and care for yourself. Self-love gives you independence and shields you, although not entirely, from hurt that could be inflicted upon you by even your closest ones. Self-love is fundamental to your own happiness, because no one is supposed to be there to make you happy, only you can bring happiness to yourself. That only happens when you show kindness to yourself, be less critical and judgmental of yourself and to put yourself first. It all sounds very selfish, but who else to do those except yourself? Expecting others to do that for you IS being selfish, because that is making their lives revolve around you.
This post is definitely different from my others because as Iāve mentioned 2019 has been quite a Debbie-downer for me. It has changed certain ways I look in life and reintroduced things Iāve clearly forgotten about. I still feel jaded and am still reeling from the past but I guess Iāve gotta pick myself up somehow. Not gonna say too much now as I embark on the year of my 29th.
Happy to say though that Iāve achieved a couple of things I set myself out to do in 2018 resolutions, as my career was quite peaking, went to EU/Switz for my big trip of the year etc.
So to start the new decade.... Iām gonna chill on myself this year and let things happen. Iām not gonna force things to happen as Iāve always done because I have a need to plan ahead. Iām gonna count the days and enjoy the moment. Iām not gonna beat myself up if certain things donāt happen or are not achieved. Because life isnāt a race. We all die eventually thereās no need to compete. Iām gonna be contented and be kind and less critical and independent and so much more. Iām gonna take care of my own well-being and stop being so stressed I get insomnia or not sleep well. Iām gonna take care of myself and be there for myself and not expect that of others (others caring for me will be a bonus).
