venting blog

when somethin that u were hopin could cheer u up goes downhill so so fast and ur like alright cool I should Never ask for positive reaffirmation again,

everyone else: you should actually probably stop being friends with this person, me, putting on my cowboy hat: no im going to suffer instead

God I really want to die

I straight up want to kill myself. I won’t but I want to

god I managed to go so long without this kicking me in the Dick and I’ve held true to my word but it’s just painful. It’s painful looking at you and feeling the way I do and never saying a single word because I can’t dare do that. I can’t break my word no matter how much I feel and I can’t handle another truth. I’m still mad, about earlier, about feeling like I was played up only to be destroyed, because none of this would have ever happened if we’d both kept it in our pants but. I’m still here. And I’m still sad. And I can never tell you what I feel because it’ll absolutely kill me

BOY you ever just get real irritated real quick bc something isnt handled in a respectful manner at all!!! cuz i sure do. lmao

But it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m always fine

over the past week I’ve been slowly isolating myself and just deteriorating to a point where I’m becoming suicidal again but not really talking about it because I can’t handle that shit people do where they’re like NOOO DONT KILL URSELF I’m not fucking going to I just. Don’t feel like existing is worth it anymore. I’m not gonna! Kill myself I just. It doesn’t mean I don’t have these feelings. lmao. and it’s not really like anyone can make me just stop feeling this way so why bother

tfw u kinda feel like ur going insane hahahahahah

i hate when i get like this bc i get sad about one small thing but then suddenly my brain is like ‘and remember this. now remember this. now this’ and suddenly all i can think about is nothing except these things that have happened and i cant remember anything else and its this rabbit hole and i keep going down and down and down and down and it all started over something so fucking stupid and insginifciant im so fuckgih stupid and shitty im such a piece of shit sometimes i cant even fucking remember what my therapist told me to do when this happens nd its happening again because im in school and i shouldnt be reacting like this god i FUCKING hate myself so fuckinng much god

it’s been two weeks and nothing has changed it seems and that gives me so so so much anxiety

When ur friend comes home but something seems really off so ur kind of afraid of talking to them

im gonna make a god damn pizza and I’m gonna sit on my couch and I’m gonna watch YouTube and I’m only going to text *** and ***** and that’s it. That’s what I’m going to do until this fucking staff meeting tonight

this is fucking exhausting

tempted to go out for a drive and never come home. Let them find my car totaled

man got bored at camp and was reading my old vent blogs and man I just really think I was truly a dick wad! Wow! Sometimes I wish I could be an entirely different person