I'm a Liability @cosmiicfairy - Tumblr Blog

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#i have hit a point of being entirely self aware about how badly I'm isolating and it kind of scares me #I've been getting very paranoid in a way i can't explain properly. paranoid thst everything is going to come crashing down around me #that I'm going to lose everyone and everything #my head has been a constant spiral of thinking about how my roommate probably hates living with me and thinking my friends are talking about #me behind my back and all actually really hate me and normally i can kinda ignore it but now after what happened i can't help but feel like #I'm just an invasive species of rodent they've been trying to get rid of but can't #i feel like I'm such a combative and awful person who is constantly hurting my friends or upsetting them or letting them down and i don't #really know how to not do that #and i know it's reading into things thst aren't there or catastrophizing but i don't know hoe to stop ruminating on it

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#i have hit a point of being entirely self aware about how badly I'm isolating and it kind of scares me #I've been getting very paranoid in a way i can't explain properly. paranoid thst everything is going to come crashing down around me #that I'm going to lose everyone and everything #my head has been a constant spiral of thinking about how my roommate probably hates living with me and thinking my friends are talking about #me behind my back and all actually really hate me and normally i can kinda ignore it but now after what happened i can't help but feel like #I'm just an invasive species of rodent they've been trying to get rid of but can't #i feel like I'm such a combative and awful person who is constantly hurting my friends or upsetting them or letting them down and i don't #really know how to not do that #and i know it's reading into things thst aren't there or catastrophizing but i don't know hoe to stop ruminating on it

anyway i think i have always been the problem and i think suicide would genuinely fix everything lol

#i have royally fucked up everything and i just wish i didn't exist lol #c was right. i am the problem. i always have been and i deserve everything that has happened because of how and who i am

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#i do really wonder if i will ever move past the relationship trauma and supreme feeling of loneliness or if I'm just. like this.#i want to connect. i want to be with others. i want to have fun and enjoy things with them but when i do i can't help #the overwhelming sensation in the aftermath that makes me feel like I'm just. really overestimating my place in my friends' lives #i don't know if this is trauma or adhd or autism but i just can't stop feeling like everyone is secretly sick of me and that #my presence is only tolerated rather than wanted. i second guess every interaction #I scrutinize every slight shift in tone. i start to shut down over perceived rejection and i don't know why #logically and rationally i know I'm being irrational and illogical #yet i can't stop the creeping sensation when i see the way everyone interacts with each other that makes me feel like I'm a child #in the snow looking through the window of a warm and loving home #while i am in the cold waiting to be invited in. i feel so othered in every interaction no matter who it's with or what it's about #and even in my real life. my roommate and i haven't talked for days. i don't think he likes me much anymore lol #and i know it's my period talking. i KNOW it is. but i genuinely just feel so lost and alone and isolated and i don't know #how to stop feeling like this all the fucking time #i hate that I'm constantly like this when i KNOW it isn't true but my stupid dumbass traumatized brain doesn't care #anyway

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#hm. i wish i didn't read into things as much as I do #even the slightest perceived change in someone's mannerisms or tone immediately make me feel so....hyperaware #and 99% of the time it's nothing #but today alone it's felt like everyone has had a shift. and i know this is probably because I'm being overlh sensitive but i can /feel/ it #like i did something wrong to several people and they just don't want to tell me #I'm so on edge and i don't like this feeling at all. i don't know what i did and i don't know why i feel this way #but between my roommate and other people being seemingly short with me today I'm just like oh okay let me just go and kill myself tbh

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srs-rnt

me rn

#me currently

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#i really hate the weekends sometimes #I'm glad to be off work. I'm glad to be able to have my time. but i hate the crushing loneliness and isolation i feel #i hate being reminded that I'm just. alone #i have a roommate sure but he doesn't hang out with me anymore. we barely talk #my mom declines invitations to do stuff together or she does them with my step sister despite claiming she doesn't like her #i have no friends irl anymore. all my friends live far away and they're busy and i feel bad constantly relying on their company when they #have other things to do because my inability to be alone isn't there problem #so i just. isolate. because i don't want them to feel like I'm being too needy and i don't want them to feel burdened with my bullshit #but i just really fucking hate this feeling. I'm tired of feeling it all. the. time.#i just want to kill myself and be done with it lmao #anyway

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#every time i think I'm past the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. something new comes along and reminds me that i still #very much am carrying the weight of it in my chest and probably always will #my mom told me she and my step dad were going to his lake property for the holiday. what she didn't tell me was that apparently #my step sister. her two month old. her boyfriend whom they hate. and his animal killing son were all invited #but i wasn't.#they did this in april for the tulip festival too #i asked my mom if she'd come with me to the verizon store to get a new phone because i really. really hate doing things alone #and my roommate has already made a comment to me about how he already has go 'sacrifice a day off every week for cleaning' and doesn't want #to do things on his only other day off. so I'm just kind of sat here like oh. okay. because he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to #spend time with me in that way. if at all. and it's like....#I've already lost all my irl friends. i don't have anyone else in this state #everyone i want to be around and be with lives 2000 miles away at best. or in another country at worst. and i just #it makes it really hard to want to stay and live yknow #because what point is there to still being alive when I'm just /alone/#no one wants to be near me or be around me so why do i fucking bother

hoaxghost

holding on by a god damn thread

crazytriss

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stupiderat

A comfort so sweet it feels like dying

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#hm.#feeling particularly.... vulnerable and alone today. so that's fun #tells me my period is probably around the corner but in the moment i just feel suddenly like my friends hate being around me #and that I'm Too Much #maybe i just need some sleep idk #i just feel extremely.... replaceable and forgettable lol #and i just feel so alone again and i don't know why

wiremotherworshipper-deactivate

"i just don't like masculine women" literally i'm so sorry for you loss. i hope you get well soon

angel-faggot

need someone to match my freak and my unbearable romanticism

porcelain-rob0t

the european mind cannot comprehend the 48 oz dunkin bucket

derryderrydown

Excuse me while I look something up...

1.4 litres????

politenotice

interestingmistakes

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musings-of-a-rambling-man

chronic illness really is fucking wild. I'm not sleeping because I'm so sick and can't get any proper rest because of it. but by not getting any sleep or rest it is making me sicker to the point of being non functional. which is making it so i am more exhausted but am sleeping less so i am getting worse. like what is this looney tunes shit

#what if i just killed myself instead like #this shit is so fucking ass i literally have been bed ridden for two weeks

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