corysmiles

The night of the gala changed something between Jayce and Viktor. Viktor couldn’t quite put a name to it, but it was like something in Jayce had snapped— a thread pulled taught until it finally broke.

He was still touchy, Viktor didn’t think anything could change that, but Viktor couldn’t help but notice that he seemed less comforted by it. He’d hold Viktor like he was afraid he’d disappear more than anything. Furthermore, the gentle teasing he would give Viktor over his stature had all but disappeared.

It was even worse when they were in the lab. Jayce seemed almost single mindedly determined to stay silent— his lips stayed firmly shut as he doggedly tried more and more ruin combinations. Every failed attempt only seemed to drag him further into his hardened determination.

It was three days after the gala when Viktor had finally had enough of the silent treatment. He was sitting at the edge of Jayce’s work desk where piles of withered leaves had been swept to the side from failed experiments, and Jayce looked like he was a second away from a break down. His gigantic hands trembled with every twist of a rune.

“Jayce,” Viktor called out to him. His eyes wandered to the open window at the other side of the lab, soft orange hues signalled that the sun had already started to set. “Maybe we should call it a day, yes?”

He didn’t really want to—not really. He’d much rather keep working, but he felt like he was going to explode if he had to sit through even a few more minutes of uncomfortable silence while Jayce tried and failed over and over again to come up with something that would work.

It felt uncanny to see Jayce so unnervingly quiet, and at least going back to Jayce’s apartment would mean he’d get to have some closeness back; Jayce still slept with him on his chest. Unfortunately, all he got in response was a small hum of acknowledgement—Jayce didn’t even look away from the Hexcore; his fingers stiffened around it.

Viktor gave him a few seconds before his lack of response started to hurt. Annoyance prickled under his skin as he stood up, leaning into the crutch Jayce had made him, so he could walk closer to Jayce’s hands.

“I know you heard me,” Viktor frowned.

Jayce stilled, his hands freezing around the Hexcore. His lips tensed like he wanted to say something before he let out a sigh.

“You seem unwell,” Viktor continued, trying to pry a response out of Jayce.

Jayce swallowed visibly, and his brows furrowed together as he finally spoke, “I’m just worried I—it’s almost been a month and we still don’t have a solution.”

Viktor had to stop himself from wincing at the reminder. Jayce seemed worried—more scared than Viktor had seen him before—and it felt unsettling. Jayce had always been the more optimistic of the two of them.

“It’s just like you said before, if the core can change me once surely it can change me back,” Viktor said, trying to sound more confident than he really felt.

Unfortunately, all his words managed to do was make Jayce’s lips tighten into a frown.

“What if I can’t do it though?” Jayce swallowed, his eyes falling on Viktor’s form like a heavy blanket, “I mean…I’ve already tried so many combinations.”

“You’re the smartest man I know, Jayce,” Viktor hummed in thought, “I trust that if there’s a way you can find it.”

The room fell silent as Jayce deflated in on himself—his shoulders hunched as he leaned over the desk, letting his head fall to rest on his folded arms. The angle brought him much closer to Viktor, and from only a few steps away Viktor could really tell how exhausted Jayce looked. His eyes seemed unfocused as they stared down at him and his stubble had started to grow out more than he’d usually let it. Usually, he kept himself well-groomed, one of the reasons so many people were fond of him—one of the reasons he was perfect for the council and…

“Wait, weren’t you supposed to have a council meeting today?” Viktor asked.

Jayce at least had half the mind to look sheepish as his lips twisted into an embarrassed frown, “Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you go?” Viktor scolded, walking closer until he was only an arm’s length away from where Jayce’s head was resting on his hands. He didn’t miss how Jayce seemed to lean closer to where he stood.

Jayce seemed to think on it for a moment, his lids heavy and exhausted from overworking himself, before he spoke. “I wanted to work on this some more.”

“While I appreciate it, I’ve told you before I can work on it without you as well,” Viktor’s lips tightened into a thin line, “At the end of the day this is my mistake.”

He didn’t like how Jayce’s eyes saddened at his words, like a dog left out in the rain. It was strange, only a few months ago Viktor would have been ecstatic to have Jayce back in the lab, but now it felt hollow. More than anything it seemed like Jayce felt like he had to be there, and Viktor couldn’t help but resent him just a bit for that.

“I know you can,” Jayce’s hushed words pulled Viktor out of his thoughts, “It’s just…the other night really scared me.”

Viktor stilled, looking up at Jayce curiously. “The gala?”

Jayce’s face twisted into a frown at even the mention of the party. “I thought—I thought something really bad happened to you. Something really bad could have happened to you.”

Viktor sighed as he finally walked close enough that he could lean against the meat of Jayce’s forearm. The touch seemed to pull Jayce out of his head just a bit. Jayce looked at him with such a gentle expression Viktor thought he might burn up on the spot.

“What happened at the gala wasn’t your fault,” Viktor reminded him softly. Jayce hummed in response— Viktor could feel the vibrations rumble through his whole body.

“I don’t blame you,” Viktor continued slowly, “You don’t have to overwork yourself to fix this.”

At that Jayce shook his head, nearly causing Viktor to topple over before a large hand reached out to offer him support. Viktor felt his chest warm at how easy the motion was for Jayce—it seemed like second nature.

“If I don’t fix this soon though something bad could actually happen to you,” Jayce’s grimaced, “I—I keep dreaming about it. The longer you’re like this the more I worry I—”

“Jayce, working yourself to death won’t fix anything,” Viktor sighed, as he tilted his head up, “I believe it was you who told me that before.”

“It’s not safe for you to be like this though,” Jayce frowned.

“Eh, just don’t take me to another gala and I’d say we’re relatively fine,” Viktor was almost shocked how easily the words came to him—how much truth was in them. He truly didn’t mind being small around Jayce…in a way it felt nice. And getting to have Jayce around more was certainly a nice bonus.

Viktor watched as Jayce’s face flitted between emotions like a radio flickering between signals. Even with Viktor’s reassurances he seemed conflicted—something heavy and sad laid hidden behind his eyes.

“Come on,” Viktor said, patting Jayce’s arm with his hand, “Let’s go back to the apartment yes? You look like you’re about to pass out, and if you’re out of commission you’ll be no help at all.”

Jayce looked like he wanted to argue, but as his eyes fell on Viktor the fight visibly left his body. His gaze softened as he let out a soft weak laugh.

“Alright.”

————————————

Even after getting back to the apartment Jayce seemed tense. He made them food in near silence, and Viktor had to pry conversation out of him whenever it got too uncomfortable. He was thankful when he finally was given his portion—at least with food in his mouth the lack of conversation felt more normal.

It was slightly better than it had been before they left though, Viktor noted. While Jayce was still quiet, stuck in his thoughts where Viktor couldn’t follow, he didn’t seem as sad. He almost looked apologetic whenever Viktor tried to drag a response out of him.

Needless to say, Viktor was thankful when Jayce asked if he wanted to go to bed. Even though he’d done relatively little that day, the tension and heavy silence between them had felt exhausting to manage. With a nod he let Jayce scoop him up into his hands, his fingers curled protectively around him, as he walked them both to his bedroom.

Their setup was familiar now, and even though it still made something warm flutter in Viktor’s chest, Viktor was starting to get used to it. The comforting up-and-down rhythm of Jayce’s chest was comforting beneath him, and the soothing warmth and weight of Jayce’s hand above him helped let his mind shut off.

“I’m sorry,” Jayce’s voice came out hushed and weak, pulling Viktor away from the edge of sleep.

Viktor blinked a few times, trying to process whether or not Jayce talking at all had been a product of his sleep-addled brain when he felt it. Jayce was shaking—just enough that Viktor could feel it throughout his body.

“Jayce?” Viktor looked up, tilting his head back to try to see Jayce’s face through the darkness. With the little light from the outside he could just barely make out a wetness around Jayce’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Jayce’s whispered, his voice wavering “I—I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Now Viktor was really awake. Softly, he pushed his hands against Jayce’s palm, a silent ask to be let go, and when Jayce reluctantly freed him Viktor stood up as best he could on Jayce’s shaking chest.

“What’s wrong?” Viktor asked, voice quiet—too worried he’d do something to accidentally startle Jayce even more.

Jayce answered with a pained sound. His other hand, the one not being used to help Viktor stay upright, went to wipe at his face.

“Nothing, nothing. I’m alright.”

Viktor frowned leaning against Jayce’s hand so he could get a more clear look at him. “You’re crying.”

Jayce just whimpered in response. Internally, Viktor berated himself—he’d never been good at comforting people.

“Do you want to talk?” He asked after a few awful seconds of silence only broken by the sounds of Jayce’s soft broken breaths.

“It’s okay. I—I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Viktor frowned. He hated the way Jayce recoiled from him as he spoke—his head bumped into the bed frame behind him.

Viktor softened his voice as if he was talking to a scared animal rather than a grown man. Jayce had always been emotional, it wasn’t a bad thing, but Viktor should have expected this would happen after their talk at the lab. “Is it about the gala still?”

Jayce’s face twisted into a pained expression as he looked away, “No…yes? Maybe.”

“Mhm,” Viktor nodded, urging him to continue with a hand gently rubbing against one of his giant fingers.

“I just… I feel like I should already have figured this out. You shouldn’t have to be relying on me and I—” Jayce’s voice broke off with a distressed gasp.

“And you what?”

Jayce swallowed nervously as the hand behind Viktor moved to rub against his back, “I feel guilty.”

“I already told you, what happened wasn’t your fault Jayce, I—”

“No, it’s…it’s not that,” Jayce’s winced.

Viktor studied his expression as best as he could in the dim light. He’d never seen Jayce look so distraught, his face was scrunched up and red with tear marks.

“What is it then?” Viktor asked, voice careful and calculating.

Jayce tilted his head, his fingers still rubbing absentmindedly against Viktor’s back as he spoke, “Everything. The gala, the council, you, all of it.”

Viktor’s brows knitted together in confusion, “What do you mean me?”

Viktor hated the broken laugh that tore its way from Jayce’s throat. “I feel so awful I…fuck. You almost got hurt because I still can’t figure out how to fix you and I still…I’m still—” Jayce’s voice trailed off.

Viktor watched him for a moment before he decided to make his move. Carefully, trying his best not to fall, Viktor walked his way up Jayce’s chest until he was standing right in front of his face. Jayce’s eyes squeezed shut as he quivered, new tears beading up in the corners of his eyes.

“You’re still what Jayce?” Viktor asked.

Jayce’s breathing stuttered as his face twisted into a grimace. Almost a whole minute passed before he opened his mouth to speak, his voice was so quiet Viktor was sure he wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t so close to his face. “I’m still selfish.”

Viktor stilled, staring intently up at Jayce like he could see into his thoughts if he just tried hard enough. “What do you mean by that?”

Jayce swallowed, the movement nearly sending Viktor toppling over. “Even after the gala, even knowing how awful this all must be…” Jayce took a shaky breath, “I’ve missed you.”

Viktor’s brows furrowed as he tilted his head up at Jayce.

“I know it was my fault that we drifted apart in the first place but… I’ve missed this—missed being with you,” Jayce’s voice faltered, “I—I worry once I fix it, it won’t be like this anymore.”

Viktor’s face fell as he looked up at Jayce’s distressed face. His usually warm golden eyes were wet and red around the rims as he wiped his tears away with the back of his fist.

“I’m sorry, I know this is hard for you I shouldn’t be—”

“Jayce,” Viktor interrupted him, laying his hand on his chin. The contact caused Jayce to jolt. “I eh, I understand…I’ve worried the same.”

“What?” Jayce whispered. Even the small motion of his lips nearly caused Viktor to topple over due to how close he was to his face.

Viktor swallowed down his nerves and anger from so many months alone in the lab. He might not be the most forward person, but he could try, at least to stop Jayce from crying the whole night. “I’ve missed you as well.”

At that Jayce looked like was about to fully burst into tears, and Viktor barely had time to react before a massive hand grabbed him from behind, smushing him against Jayce’s collarbone. Jayce’s whole body shook under him and while Viktor’s immediate thought was to push the gigantic hand away he decided against it. Jayce seemed like he needed it and Viktor was nothing if not a selfish man—he’d take what he could get of Jayce’s touch.

He let Jayce hold him until his breathing finally evened out. While a deep part of Viktor still prickled, angry that it took so long for Jayce to come back, a much larger part of him felt so relieved that Jayce wouldn’t vanish again. He had been getting tired of the hours upon end alone in what once was their shared lab.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry so much,” Jayce’s voice wavered as he lifted his hand up from Viktor. His eyes were still red and irritated but otherwise he seemed better.

“It’s fine,” Viktor reassured gently, “You don’t need to apologize.”

“I’ve just…” Jayce sighed, “I’ve felt bad that I’ve been enjoyed this—having you around, being close again.”

“You know I don’t have to be dependent on you for me to want to see you, yes?”

“I know but…it just got to a point where I didn’t think you’d want to see me at all,” Jayce shrugged.

Viktor tensed, his eyes focusing on Jayce’s face through the darkness. As he spoke he squared his shoulders, hoping that Jayce could hear the deeper truth in his words. “I was angry sometimes, yes. I was mad at you for a while—for joining the council, for not showing up to the lab…But I never would have turned you away.”

Jayce frowned and slowly his hand moved to rest in front of Viktor palm-up, a silent invitation. Viktor didn’t think twice before taking it. He stepped between Jayce’s towering fingers to stand in the center of his palm, the warmth of blood and life under his skin was comforting in a way Viktor didn’t think he’d ever be able to replicate once he was back to his normal stature.

Slowly, Jayce’s hand moved, bringing Viktor up to the pillow his head was resting on, and Viktor had to grab onto his pointer finger to not fall over. When he was deposited securely on the pillow right next to Jayce’s face he allowed himself to relax, lying down next to him. Meanwhile, Jayce’s giant eyes seemed to stare right through him, searching for something, and Viktor felt himself flush as a warm wave of breath passed over his body. Even so small, Jayce looked at him as if he held the secret to the world, and Viktor was weak to it.

“I can’t wait till we fix this,” Jayce said in a hushed tone as he brought his hand to Viktor’s back, pulling him closer to his face. His eyes had started to flutter shut, hovering between open and closed as he let himself relax. The domestic sight of Jayce falling asleep made Viktor’s stomach grow warm with something he refused to acknowledge. It took all his power not to scramble away—to put some space between them.

“Why? So you don’t have to carry me around anymore?” Viktor teased, hoping desperately that Jayce couldn’t see how red his face surely was.

“No,” Jayce smiled, the action so soft and gentle Viktor wanted to scream, “So I can do this properly.”

And then, before Viktor’s brain could catch up, soft lips, the size of his whole body, had pressed him back into the pillow. The overwhelming warmth made Viktor’s skin feel like it was on fire, and the butterflies in his stomach seemed to migrate throughout his whole nervous system. Jayce was kissing him. The man he’d fantasized about for years—who’d never shown any signs that he felt even close to the amount of affection Viktor held for him—had him pressed back into the softness of the pillow, trapped by his lips.

It felt like it had barely even started before Jayce pulled away, eyes wide and panicked as he stared at Viktor.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I thought—”

And Viktor couldn’t have that. He couldn’t have Jayce, the most caring and beautiful man he’d ever seen, think even for a second that he didn’t want the same thing.

“Jayce,” he interrupted. Jayce stared at him like he’d just been shot. The fear clear in his eyes was sweet in a way. The fact that he thought for even a moment that Viktor didn’t want him back was a ridiculous thought.

Viktor laughed at Jayce’s wide-eyed expression as he leaned forward. It felt wrong, like it was all a dream. But as he pressed his much smaller lips into Jayce’s bottom lip it felt warm—real. He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of it, and once he was the correct size again he knew he’d take any chance he had to kiss his stupidly handsome partner who somehow liked him back.

After a few moments Jayce pressed his lips back against him, slow and careful like he was still afraid somehow Viktor didn’t want this. And as he pulled away and tilted his head up to get a better view of Jayce’s awe-struck expression he laughed. The man looked like he was about to combust.