Story Time

Fuck tumblrs link limit

Stealing a glance at eyes I should not see

But I cannot help the reminders

Slimy black and cold

Slick with promises

I need only open myself to them

To become so great

But in doing so would I lose myself?

Lose what makes me human? A lover?

I cannot wander these endless troves of scrolls for long

But every night I see that same dreadful apocrypha

How would you act, knowing everything was within grasp, but you’d have to lose everything in the process?

I don’t know how I would act

And so I don’t…

I don’t act…

Even as those tendrils reach out once more

Because is it worth it?

The entire universe, at the cost of my own

How lucky am I

To be graced with one of gods angels

And how wretched am I

To stain her feathers with my blood

How lucky I am

To hear her voice sing out

And how rotten am I

To fill hear ears with my wailing

How lucky am I

To be apart of her life

And how selfish am I

To want her to be apart of mine

How lucky am I

To share in her sorrows

And how filthy am I

To take her pain and make it mine

How lucky am I

To be told I can revel in her presence

And how guilty am I

When my world revolves around her

How lucky am I

To receive her grace

And how spoiled am I

To try and give her my heart

How lucky am I

To be loved by an angel

And how disgusting am I

“Always my love” I reply

And it’s true, you’re more than enough

You’re everything I’ve wanted since I was a little girl

But every spin, every time your brain gives it a whirl

I’m reminded of the fact that I’m not enough

That I’m hard to love

I’m scarred, you said you didn’t care

But every night a finger is pointed at me

“Dirty, foul, unclean” you don’t say the words but I see them

“Broken, used, deformed” you don’t say the words but I hear them

“I love you, but I wish you were different” you don’t say the words…but I feel them

How can I be enough when there’s so much you yourself admit you would change

I could be less

Less used

Less broken

Less of a mess

Less scared

I could be more

More obsessive

More perverted

I wish there was a machine, you could throw me in and make me perfect for you

Remove my past

Fix my brain

Make me taller

Larger

Bigger tits

Smaller waist

Turn my hair ginger

Make me perfect

And yet everything I do seems to make you sad

You say I make you happy

But everything about me makes you mad

You say I make you happy

But how many sleepless nights until I don’t

You say I make you happy

But you won’t want me much more

You say I make you happy

But I’m just a filthy whore

You say I make you happy

And everyday I hope you’re right

“It’s okay” I cry to myself every night

“He isn’t some silly bird who’s going to take flight”

I can promise you this, I’m not going to run

I hope you don’t either, when alls said and done

I guess I should thank you, that much is true

I’m trying to be me

But I can’t meet myself halfway

Artist halfway

Musician halfway

Story teller halfway

Poet halfway

Reader halfway

Jack of all trades

Master of none.

A bird who can’t succeed in flying is hardly a bird at all

A wolf that can only hunt halfway isn’t a wolf at all

So what am I? A girl halfway done? Halfway finished?

I sit in the bathtub bleeding out, but even then I don’t die

Try it one time and then you’re hooked

And will spend the rest of your days and nights to get your fix

I belong in your hands

And as the cigarette ashes fall, do you think of me?

Do you think of that night we shared one cuddled up on the bench together?

I do

Everytime I take a puff

I know I don’t light up for you the way you need me to

please don’t put me back

I’m still learning how to burn for you

I don’t think I could live

Drip

drip

drop

“When does the water stop?”

When the nightmares end

Drip

drip

drop

"When does the water stop?"

When i no longer feel your hands

Drip

drip

drop

"When does the water stop?"

When I can sleep again

Drip

drip

drop

"When does the water stop?"

When the tears stop falling

Drip

drip

drop

"When does the blood stop?"

a hint of sadness when I pull away

That when our lips part, there’s blood unspilled and flesh untouched

When I kiss you there’s a warmth that pulses in my veins

And when you pull away There’s an ice that soon follows

To feel is to devour, and I’m scared to devour you dear

I wish you knew

Just how much you meant to me

That I think about you more than I think about myself

That I carry this unripe fruit

I’m worried you think I don’t care

Or that I’m simply holding your hand so I can lead you off a cliff

That my body is cold to the touch, despite me saying I’ll warm you

for opening my arms to you, despite my bed being made of roses, thorns and all

Yet I know I’m not ripe, nor warm, nor soft enough to be what you need

So I wait for the fruit to ripen so that I may peel it and hand it to you

So I add embers to my furnace, to make it glow brighter

I see sitting on the ground

A younger version of me

Staring up with starry eyes

"A great writer" the professor says

And I can hear her gasp

A childlike noise, full of hope and love for the world

Despite the nihilistic lecture, she seems enamored, desperate to join the writers on the board

I want to reach out and touch her, she seems so real to me

But I do not, lest I look more insane than I already do

And so I watch her sit there on the floor soaking in every word with the happiest grin on her face

I want to warn her, to yell "it's not possible" I can only think these thoughts, as I hopelessly watch, as her hope grows I do not think

Even if she turned around

I have lived 10 lives so far

A different version of my self each time

And with the birth of each one, three words cut through the fog to bring me forward,

Cradling my newborn head with care

Three words sustained my life

Kept me going when

The rain fell

The stars went out

And the moon waned.

And those same three words, cut my life short

Each time, ripping my breath out of my lungs

Stolen from me

My happiness, my life, my joy

And yet again I’m born

Light, blinding

Sound crashing into my eardrums

You speak me into existence with only three words

Three words my sun and I the moon

But I carry the weight of many lives

And those three words sound so different in your mouth

So I want to believe them this time

But three words can kill me

And I don’t want to die

So forgive me when I flinch when you say