I know nobody will really read this, i donāt really care if anyone does or not i just needed somewhere i could vent without family and friends seeing. Iāve been depressed since i was 13.. i remember always being tired and anxious, even about the smallest things. I got quiet over the years and just kept to myself. My weight was erratic jumping between 90-175lbs, on a 5ā2 person, thatās a big jump.. of sleep for days, or be up for weeks barely functioning. So i started taking pills, either to sleep or stay awake and have some kind of energy. The pills made me numb.. i wanted to feel something, anything. I started cutting. I hid it for years, nobody knew a thing. I finally told my doctor, i just wanted to feel okay again. I was told i just wanted attention and to grow up. I quit asking for help. I never asked for anything, and the one time i did, i was told it didnāt mean anything, so i gave up. My mom found out sometime that year, threatened therapy. I didnāt want help anymore. I didnāt really plan on making it past 18.. i had no plans, no goals, no ambitions. The only person keeping me going was my great grandma, who raised me. I couldnāt let her down by killing myself. She saw so much in me, i couldnāt disappoint her like that. I graduated, got my certification in medical office assistance and started working. Still hating myself and every second of what i was doing. I never told her how lost i was, how bad i was doing. I let her believe i was doing amazing, was happy and progressing forward in life. When actually the pills got worse, i started using cocaine and barely ate. When she passed away around two years ago, i spiraled downward so quickly.. i was so numb from the coke, so strung out from the pills and still nobody noticed. My arms and thighs were littered with cuts. Then i met the love of my life. We had our ups and downs, more so of the latter. I got clean, stopped taking pills and snorting powder. Started smoking weed to keep the anxiety down and gain some weight back. Moved in together. I got pregnant. My worst fear. I have no maternal instinct, no patience.. not good characteristic for a mother. I attempted to get an abortion, i knew i wasnāt going to be a good parent. She didnāt deserve to inherit my mental issues, and deal with my mental issues growing up. My mother and myself have a very weak relationship from that same thing. I got rescheduled until it was too late from them to preform. I couldnāt put another baby into the adoption system, so i bucked up. Told the father, started working more hours. Relationship crumbled. More stress and anxiety. Got back together two months before the baby was born, got evicted bc the renters didnāt want children there. Lost my job bc they didnāt approve maternity leave. Depressions still nagging and pulling me back down the entire ride. Finally gave birth to this amazing baby girl. Depressions still here, but 10x worse bc i know i can end it without hurting my baby now.. there isnāt anything stopping me. But i still canāt do it.. i donāt have the strength to do it. Slowly but surely Iām still getting worse.. the blade begging to be picked back up, the drugs promising relief and the calm Iāve been begging for, the peace when everything goes black.. i love this child more than anything, but these sleepless nights, days without eating, i canāt remember the last time i was actually happy. I canāt even vent to anyone without coming off as ungrateful.. for this healthy child, for my family for taking us in when we had nowhere, for what i do have. But all i really want is to be okay again..
blakekathryn
2087
kianamaiart
amandla
tangentwithtanner
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
