E.Queen

Angry, chaotic, self

Bitter, bitter, bitter

Never enough to just be

Gotta

give

Give

Give

No matter how empty

Always a little more

More

More

Gotta see what's in store

Gotta

Run out of stock

And be angry at the

Replenish

Ran out of parts, ran out of pieces

The new ones aren't as good

It's okay no one

Sex

I look like not enough sleep, not enough sleep, not enough sleep

Too much work and not enough time between sheets

Peel me a peach

Remove the skin attached to flesh as it

Drips

Drips

Drips

Make a mess

Explain that it was inevitable

Removing things so intertwined, so close, so divine

Leaves scars, leaves messes

Leaves lines

Tell me that after the ripping

Everything will be fine

Fine

Fine.

I want the lace

I want the sundresses

And the pink

Go back and save that shirt. Please.

If it meant

I could unbreak your heart

I'd find you 15 other ways to break eggs

To catch your breath

To roll over and feel my chest

Pressed to yours

Chase you through airports

Just to laugh and kiss

To laugh and kiss

And kiss and kiss and kiss

You had so much to offer and so did I.

We just didn't want what the other was offering at the time.

I hope you've found people who love what you love and who offer you want you need even when you don't know you need it.

The leaves fall, the wind whistles and the days shorten. Over and over again they shorten.

Gray skies at sunrise create the same temper.

It has been raining. For weeks on end the rain has grizzled and splashed down into the cooling soil, giving it the last bit of life it can before the freeze. It's gray and it rains.

I learned how the leaves fall this year. It's a protection mechanism the tree has. Creating a layer between where the life once poured in to keep the cold out. Layers.

The same way we layer ourselves when it rains or it's cold. Protecting ourselves.

The same way we protect our hearts once we learn that leaving them exposed gets the life sucked out of us.

I'm reading my favourite book. I'm trying to drink less coffee. I'm seeing a therapist. I'm doing my best to enjoy the colours and I'm succeeding. It really is quite beautiful.

I'm deeply in love and I'm learning how to be patient with myself. To communicate wants.

It's your birthday this week and I want to offer you the world. But I can't. So I want to offer you the day-to-day. The joy of the little things. The magic of looking across the room to find the other person already looking at you. I want to offer you love. Extra love that you can carry with you and take a bit when you need it. The excitement of watching the rain fall or the love for the bright orange surrounding us.

I hope you're a doula

I hope you're happy

I hope you're whatever it is you wanted to become.

There is no universe where we are still together.

When I showed up unannounced at your parents house around Christmas with little gifts like those after 8 mints and a bottle of wine for your parents?

I had a letter for you written of leftover paper from the printer in the kitchen I worked in. I drew a picture too, and gave it to you with a poem written on the back.

I was so nervous I didn't know what to do with myself so I rode that stationary bike you had in your room. We watched Sydney White on your TV.

I should have kissed you. Maybe if I had this would be nothing but a memory. Dead and cold and stained paper. Not faint, lingering mystery.

You gave me that drawing and letter back. Those other poems too when your new girlfriend didn't approve.

You came to see me when we had to put down my dog to keep the apartment my brother and I were living in.

Then again at LOV, years later when it was getting built in Laval. Why did any of this happen? Why didn't anything happen?

I still don't get it. I don't know if I actually want an answer. I hope you're well.

My jaw aches from having my wisdom teeth removed a little less than a week ago. I feel less wise already.

I've been "Fall Cleaning" my apartment. Watering the plants, emptying out the fridge. Reorganizing the freezer and closet. Picking up lose pieces of paper and putting used tissues in the garbage from having been sick or blowing my nose in the morning or spitting blood. All the surfaces are finally clear.

I bake 6 banana breads in two days for people who aren't me. It's my great grand father's recipe. A family secret. I still can't chew without pain.

I have a good weekend at work, it's busy at the restaurant but goes well. My girlfriend isn't there so it gives me more time to bake and clean and retreat into my head. I become content in my solitude once more. Avril Amaretto on ice truly is a luxury I don't want to lose.

I watch 'Ancient Aliens' on Netflix like I used to watch it in my best friend's basement. I watch and wonder how anyone thinks aliens aren't real. Are you even paying attention?

My jaw aches from crying. Haven't stopped in a few hours. Off and on again. I eat a Revello. I brush my teeth. I spit more blood.

I go to sleep and hope she answers. And by sleep I mean scroll down Tumblr. We have words. I cry again. The surfaces next to my bed are riddled with tissues again.

I lie awake in bed unable to sleep. My bed wasn't this empty last night. My jaw didn't ache this much either. My eyes burn. It's raining outside. I wish I was asleep.

E.Queen

I love the way you smell.

Not in some creepy stalker way but

In a chemical way. Can't help it way. In a I want to bury my face in the crook of your neck and breathe in type of way.

You are

So warm. So soft. I don't always understand how someone who could rip your heart out with words if she wanted to can have the softest hands. The sweetest eyes. You make me feel safe.

I am loved by you so purely I don't fear it's all a lie. I don't believe this is a phase, I am not scared you will run.

You hold me in your arms on the couch, you soothe my restless soul without knowing it, you ask for nothing but truth in return and arms to hold you while you sleep. I am grateful. Grateful for your existence and for the choice you make everyday to be happy, to have a good day, to keep fighting the good fight. You give me a reason to want to keep trying. On my darkest days, your warmth an smell are what remind me of the good. The worth it. The good fight. I am grateful for your patience. I am grateful for your love.

Thank you.

Thank you for being the spectacular creature that you are. Thank you for always talking it out with me. Thank you for always trying to understand.

Minha beleza,

Ça m'étonne. A chaque fois que j'y pense. Je suis épatée a quel point notre amour se mélange bien ensemble. The way I love and the way you love.

It's not perfect. It shouldn't be. The only thing that's perfect is the way we keep choosing each other.

How you put in the effort to help me when I'm down. How I believe I do the same for you, or try at least. The beginning of this week was hard, for more than one reason.

I keep saying this and Im scared it will lose it's meaning or you won't believe it anymore. But I can't wait to keep growing with you. Keep learning with you. Building with you.

I don't like the person you've become.the way you react to the world around you or to me. The last one was a given though.

I've never been bad to you. What I did was bad, I know that, but I was never cruel or unkind. You. You are demanding and persistant and rude. You don't think that perhaps I have my own things happening. You only care about what is relevant to you. I suppose it makes sense at the end of the day. But I don't like it and I don't like you.

There is a reason I do not stay friends with my exe's.

One day, you will say to someone

"She was everything I ever wanted and she ruined me."

I hope you find it in your new heart, to love someone like you did me one day. And I hope they never hurt you.