there will be no miracles

@coopermathis

It’s another Saturday night at Jesse and Seb’s place, a party for anyone cool enough to be invited while their parents are out of town for the weekend. It’s the usual fare: the music is loud, everyone is busy getting drunk or high or both, and the cops will probably be called before the night is over, but Ezra just… isn’t feeling it. 

It’s not that he isn’t drunk, because people have been pouring beers down his neck for the past four hours and he’s definitely drunk. No, the problem is Juda Nassar. Ezra broke up with him almost a month ago, and the other boy is yet to say two words to him on the matter. Maybe it had been stupid of him to assume that they’d immediately go back to being friends, but he even found himself missing their usual stargazing date when it passed by last week. Damn it, he did this to make things easier between them.

Whatever, feelings are stupid, and this party is starting to get on on his nerves, so Ezra stumbles up the stairs away from the thumping bass and into an empty bedroom. Once inside, he shuts the door and sinks to the ground, buying his face in his hands and trying to keep everything from spinning. He can’t have been in there for more than a few minutes before he hears a loud thud from outside.

“Occupied!” He shouts, though his voice muffled.

He wasn't even exactly sure what he was doing here in the first place. Yeah, he was invited,sure. But it was always such a hassle at home... having to check his mom's schedule ever since she took on the extra shifts at the hospital, just to see if he'd be able to leave the house in the evening. Without dragging Aaron along at least. And for what? It's not like any of this was of any substance in the long run. A party at the Caldwells that everyone would be too drunk to even remember in less than a month. Who knew at this point... maybe it was the fact that he was still grappling to find at least a semblance of normal in his life, maybe he was just trying to escape the lingering presence of Jamie in his head. Either or. It ultimately didn't matter. 

i’ve been collecting funny/cute texts & texts from texts from last night for about 2 years. they’ve been sitting in a word document for a long time so with all the text memes i’ve been seeing around, i decided to take all the texts i’ve saved and make a meme with them bc why not. there’s a bit of everything bellow: fluff, silliness, nsfw, angst, etc etc

[text] Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late

[text] I miss you more than I should.

[text] She’s/you’re the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity. 

[text] I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don’t regret it.

[text] you hella high and freaked out about life and interest rates

[text] I love it when you moan my name.

[text] I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.

[text] JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK

[text] Let’s go get coffee and handcuffs.

[text] I thought you were better than this. 

[text] Please stop calling.

[text] Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I’d say the sex was good

[text] I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy

[text] I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.

[text] 75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.

[text] You think you’re funny, but you’re just an asshole.

[text] I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels

[text] I wish things were different.

[text] We should probably end this.

[text] I don’t say it often enough, but I want you to know that I love you.

[text] Please let me know what I did to deserve you…I want to make sure I keep on doing it. 

[text] I told you I’d ride your broomstick if you let me call you Harry Potter and you drew a lightning bolt on your forehead.

[text] I’m still laying in bed cuz I don’t feel like adulting yet

[text] I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.

[text] What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I’d be a trophy wife! Get it?

[text] I’m sorry for everything.

[text] I just want to have sex that doesn’t end like a B-rated horror movie.

[text] Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I’m not sure she gets me anymore. 

[text] I never should have left you there.

[text] I don’t have patience for riddles.

[text] You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.

[text] Dunno. My heart says “no”, my brain says “maybe” and my dick says “YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!”

[text] We had sex and he ended up in the hospital… don’t know if I should be worried or proud.

[text] Just tell me what’s wrong !

[text] let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole

[text] I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

[text] … so it’s a date ?

[text] Can I come by?

[text] I thought we were ok ?

[text] I want you to meet my squirrel

[text] If blow jobs were a super power she’d be in the Justice League.

[text] Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can’t decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking 

[text]  I can’t imagine life without you.

[text]  Can’t wait to see you again.

[text]  just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life

[text] I should have told you first, I’m sorry.

[text] I’m sorry ! I don’t know what else to tell you !

[text] You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you  

[text] We are not together any more, remember ?

[text] why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room?? 

[text]  did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen? 

[text] Maybe we’ll see each other again.

[text] if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he’d think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid

[text] I never thought we’d end up like this.

[text] Why do you keep doing this to me ?

[text] I’m so tired of your lies.

[tex] Why are you so angry ?

[text] I thought you were coming alone…. ?

[text] I should get him/you a card “thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication”

[text] I don’t understand…

[text] If I had a penis, I’d want to put it in you. And I’d treat you with respect and pay for your drinks. 

[text] You had to apologize for “being too aggressive about harry potter”

[text] We can work this out.

[text]  We have a system, okay?

[text] I don’t have time to shower before my passport photos…your cum is all over my hair…that’s with me for 10 years now 

[text] I know you’re on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven’t been spanked in years so if you’re still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it. 

[text] I know you’ve been lying to me.

[text] You need to leave. Now !

[text] i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning 

[text] You’re so easy to be with and so hard to be without.

[text] Every morning I wake up with a sad face because I know it is the start of one more day without you.

[text] Everyone leaves.

[text] I don’t know how you put up with me. 

[text] I just fell off a roof. So I’m kinda chillin for a minute. 

[text] Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour

[text] I’m 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas

[text] please don’t leave me alone

[text] You cried at the bar for 30 minutes because you got your arm stuck in your sweater. You got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped you.  

[text] I wish we had more time.

[text] shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

[text] I miss you every day.

[text] Please please pick up

[text] Why are my keys in the refrigerator?  

[text] I’m out of practice. be my yoda  

[text] Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn’t know where he is.

[text] Do you think it’ll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I’ve slept with both the bride and the groom?

[text] Someone said we’re out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying ‘but where will all the polar bears live”. That drunk.

[text] I’d just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.

[text] You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. “Look I’m Harry Potter.”

[text] This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.

[text] If u ever apologize to me for “too-rough” sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely

[text] Mom just told me I need to start having sex.

[text] I’d help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I’m still drunk

[text] YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don’t think she’s going to call you.

[text] And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever… And I’ve seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo’s David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

[text] She’s/you are the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

[text] It’s not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm. 

[text] I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

[text] We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

[text] She said she couldn’t find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis 

[text] Stop making me think about you. I’m busy. 

[text] I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You’re welcome.

[text] You make me want to be better.

“How many times are you going to do that, exactly?”

“I had good intentions, I did it for a reason.”

“We’re done. I’m done. This ends right now. You’re a monster.”

“I trusted you!”

“Is that supposed to scare me?”

“Put the knife down.”

“You were right. As per usual.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the lines you’ve drawn until you’ve crossed them.”

“You’re surprised because you have a soft spot for hot blondes.”

“Why protect my reputation? I’m a dead man either way.”

“You think you know me, as others think they know you.”

“You can stay, but for no more than two nights.”

“Please don’t look in this drawer. Please.”

“I told you not to pick him up, he’s very sensitive.”

“Yes. I might have given you rabies. But in my defense, that’s ridiculous and I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, my cell phone data coverage does not cover the bullshit zone you’re in.”

“I was prepared for anything, except for what ensued.”

“The story lingers on, but the version that is drawn is twisted,.”

“You think I’m kidding. But I’ve never been more serious about anything in my entire life.”

“How much would a stripper cost and why so much?”

“I’m going to buy you a drink. Next week. On Thursday. When I get paid. Can you swing this one?”

“There are two sides to every story.”

“When I was little, I used to be afraid of mummies. And now look at me. I love dead people!”

“What made me think that I could get away with such a plot?”

“Because nothing says heterosexuality like a gold sash.”

“Please don’t take it out on my boobs.”

“When it gets really windy I look like a bizarre combination of Marilyn Monroe and Cousin It.”

“I’ll never be a hero.”

“How much money do you have on you?”

“Please tell me that’s a raisin and not a tiny hamster shit you’re eating.”

“Life is a lot better when you put things on your head.”

“For someone who’s not very deep, I’m incredibly not shallow.”

“I need you to remind me what it feels like to love you.”

“I love you. What? No I don’t. Forget I said anything.”

“If we got married, would I have to take your last name? Or could we just make up a new one?”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“I heard you say his/her name in your sleep last night. Want to explain or should I just leave?”

“I want to spend the night with you tonight. But I also want to sleep on your side. And without you on the bed. So technically I just want your bed.”

“Please don’t be proposing to me in an empty parking lot.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry, you stupid fucking broken record. It’s done.”

“I’m not jealous, I’m curious. About the things you were doing. With him/her. Without me.”

“Your mother’s looks could kill. Actually, are you sure they haven’t before?”

“If you’re breaking up with me tonight, can I at least eat first?”

“Stop sweating. It’s not attractive during sex, and it’s not attractive now.”

“Are you – are you checking me out? In the line for the confessional?”

“We have to go. I might have told your mom I’m pregnant. I don’t know why I said that. I’m not.”

“So what you’re saying it that you’re snorting sugar to get excited for sex.”

“My dog licks better than you do.”

“But through every stupid thing you do and say – and those are a lot, by the way – I love you.”

“I don’t care if you’re growing another head. I’ll talk to both of them. I love you.”

“And I’d take fifty years of not talking to you for just a day of doing so. I promise that’s a compliment.”

“I don’t want to hide this anymore. I’m not some dirty little secret, you American Reject.”

“This is a bit too dramatic for my taste, so can we skip it and have sex instead?”

“I don’t want you to think of me as your personal sex toy.”

“Thanks and all, but that makes me feel like a low-class escort, so.”

“A kiss in exchange for every nice thing you say about me. Deal?”

“Promise me you’re not like him/her. I need to hear it from your mouth. Promise me.”

“Look, I’ve had my heart broken before. I’m not ready to let you in just yet. Anywhere.”

“Don’t leave me here. Anywhere else, okay, but not here.”

“I wish I could say that was the worst sex I ever had, but I’ve had worse.”

“I just blew you. Could you look a little happier about it?”

“I’m attracted to shiny things, so if it looks like I’m staring at your chest, it’s because I am.”

“What is that!?”

“Oh my god, were you shot!?”

“Give me the gun. Now.”

“Hello? Anyone in there?”

FOR TEXTERS;

[text] This is upsetting.

[text] Hey, are you up? If you’re not, can you wake up? I need some help.

[text] She said that to you? Why?

[text] Please come back. I miss you.

[text] What are you good for if you’re not gonna bring me ice cream?

[text] Can you ignore that last text? It wasn’t meant for you. I’m sorry.

[text] …did you just send me a nude?

[text] I don’t know why I said that.

[text] Leave it to you to fuck the simplest of requests up.

[text] Do we have to go to their wedding? He’s only my first cousin.

[text] How much does ‘I love you’ mean to you?

[text] I am not stalking you. But you should do something about your bathroom, it’s gross.

[text] Please. I need this so badly.

[text] I trust you completely.

[text] I’m a genius. You’re a peasant. Everything makes sense again.

[text] Hey, buddy! Got like, five hundred bucks I can borrow? Times ten.

[text] She lost it. She completely lost it.

[text] Please? I love you.

[text] I think I’m gonna go to sleep now, but you keep thinking that.

[text] I can’t say this out loud. They might be listening.

[text] I never meant to hurt you.

[text] You’re cute.

[text] I just need you to understand how important you are to me.

[text] Fuck off.

[text] Okay. Guess we’ll leave it at that then.