sentimental, sensitive

and there is some beautiful things to see when you are given the the time to live

for me

for my loved ones

for those near and far

we work hard

we are resilient

i hope that someday soon

we’ll receive some ease

and contentment

and less struggle than we’re facing now

and that we continue to find…

the strength to endure

the fight to overcome

the silver linings in the clouds

climbing content has been coming up on my feed lately. i’ve been noticing the particular dynamics of the local climbing community where i am. a lot of young and vibrant people end up drawing more to bouldering (indoor + outdoor) and have this trendy air about them. they are undeniably charming and dress really cool.

as i’m moving through life, im slowly beginning to accept that my life really does move in phases. while there are parts of me that have rooted deeply, i find that it just shows up in different forms. much like the way water moves. i take the shape of or influenced by my circumstances or surroundings, but still eager to move, change, or take what course that i wish to flow, as well. i am also eager for balance.

there are times where i feel that the world asks me to be consistent, particularly when it comes to jobs or hobbies, but my curiosity and intuition make me eager to frequently try new things, even if i don’t master them completely. i’ve always thought of myself as a sweetheart of many trades.

all this to say, i am learning to be accepting of my constant need to move, balancing my head, heart, soul, and the all that is placed before me. i am giving myself permission to try things, know when it no longer serves, or stick with it for the time being until i can find a path less resistance…but for now to flow with the course that I am on.

i’m really grateful to have a partner and friends who are very grounded, though. it’s like rocks in the middle of river that coax me to slow down when i am rushing, the high mountains that help me to free fall into wider waters, or the walls of earth that gently guide my path and grow with me.

been super into knitting and crocheting lately. i crotchet a cat ear beanie with some mohair i got picked up in Japan.

life has felt a little heavy lately. work has been exhausting. i've been a little more introverted. instagram makes feel like im not doing enough. im coming terms with how much of my self worth i have put into productivity. its challenging, but i want to learn to be more quietly self-assured. i went to the snow with friends recently. it was nice :)

i’m grieving a past self

i’m painting on a smile

even though i really want to cry my eyes out

i’m sensitive to every shift of mood

every change in tone

it makes me paranoid

and i begin to question my worth

my security

my comfortability

i miss my friends

but i’m so tired

my capacity to do anything runs thin

i want love

and approval

but criticism sinks in deep

so does feeling left behind

i fear others getting tired of that

getting tired of me

or worse, not caring at all

there are patches of light

but i’m in a hole again

it’s felt like that awhile now

and i’m not sure how to climb out

i hope i figure it out

or that i get a hand

or that things feel better soon

After reading Bell Hook’s All About Love, I have come to realize that I am am full of love. But as I’ve come to realize, being in a fairly healthy relationship with someone extremely grounded is that much of that love I end up pouring out. In turn, I fee I am not well versed in how to receive love.

I had a string of thoughts. Very often I will dig into my past to find the potential root of the challenging emotions that I feel, particularly regarding my low self-esteem and insecurity. In toxic relationships, it blairs so loudly and painfully. But in my current relationship, it shows up so differently.

When I was young, my stepdad was really verbally abusive, so much so it felt extremely degrading. He hovered over everything I did and was excruciatingly mean when I made mistakes. When things weren’t done as he liked them, he’d get extremely angry and sometimes blame me. I think it was then that I built this idea in my head that the decisions that I make (particularly the wrong ones) can have some kind of impact on someone else, began to tread carefully around others, and spawned a complicated relationship around making mistakes or displeasing others. i learned from my stepdad that love is withheld until I was deserving of it.

It’s one of the reasons I am so hard on myself. It is also one of the reasons I have a hard time taking criticism. On the other end of the spectrum, I am also reluctant to accept other’s praise or feel truly proud of what I do (or at least I always question whether what I could offer was really enough.) I am constantly comparing myself to others I deem more worthy than me.

This is something I still struggle with today. This belief was fortified in past relationships, where I attached myself to partners who I felt could complete me or help fill this sense of self that I feel I lacked. In the last few years, I have worked hard to get to know myself. I am also in a relationship with a partner who lets me be myself. But even so, I have a hard time feeling confident in myself. And at times, it makes things a little tricky. Because even when I am reassured of my worth from others, I still have a hard time believing that I am worthy.

I cannot keep blaming my past for my lack of self confidence now, though I do think it helps acknowledging where it roots from. I like the person that I am, but limit myself in believing that I am less than what others expect or want. I also undermine others reassurance and love for me by shooting down their praise, projecting what they should expect of me, questioning whether I am deserving of their love, or compare myself to others.

I write this now not to perpetuate my past, but because it is something I am seeing with myself that I want to work on. I want to take accountability for this habit that is not serving me and definitely not serving those that care about me. I know it will take time, and it won’t be linear, but I know I want to keep working at it, nonetheless.

that’s all.

thanks for reading if you did.

but i'd like to get back to writing and sharing here