Cool Funny Quotes

One day I'll do amazing things. Today I'll be satisfied if I don't spill food on my lap.

True love isn't about what's on the outside, it's about what's on the inside.... the wallet.

Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey. Hey, Hey Mickey! Face it, you didn't read that, you sang it.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

A person that weights 200 pounds on Earth weighs 76 pounds on Mars. So I'm not overweight, I'm on the wrong planet.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

Auto-correct is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things.

I may look fine on the outside, but on the inside I'm hungry again.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I'm super lazy today. It's like normal lazy but I'm wearing a cape.

Website: We use cookies to improve our performance. Me: Same!

There's a fine line between saying too much and saying too little. I walk that line like a drunk down at the circus.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

Does anyone else rip off their mask after walking out of a store, like they just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy?

Today I told my daughter she's giving me a headache! She told me "For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer."

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!