Thought loudly

I hate ranting in blogs and stuff, but I exhausted all my ressources and I got nowhere else to go anymore. The people I usually turn to aren’t available, I can’t talk to people around me and the only place I know of where to turn to just threw my worries back in my face and laughed at me... I could start again by explaing all the shit that went wrong and currently is wrong, but I already told that trice and I feel like I’m stuck on repeat and I’m not getting an answer anyway so I’ll just leave at that. Everything sucks. The whole world sucks and hates me and I hate the world.  I can’t stand the people anymore. Talking and talking and being loud and weird and touchy.  I can’t stand food anymore cause everytime I look at it I feel hungry and at the same time like I’m about to throw up.  And I can’t stand my own skin anymore. I can’t stand the scars that trigger me, everytime I look at myself and that made me relapse after I was clean for nearly two years. I hate winter. I hate the dark. It breaks me down eventhough I’ve build up all these walls and defences... it’s pointless.... Most of all I hate myself. Cause it’s once again me, that allows this to happen. It would be so easy. Just a few words. Just walking up to someone and actually telling them what’s going on. But I don’t. Because I don’t trust people. Because I don’t trust anyone and can’t stand the thought of loosing my face infront of someone that cares and actually knows me.  I can’t even trust myself. I thought I was strong, but I can’t even tell if I ate enough today or if I didn’t, because my own thoughts and feelings are contradicting one another and maybe that breakfast I had was actually just a dream or an halluzination. All it needs to trick my senses is some lacking sleep and I got enough of that. Can’t sleep with thoughts and worries running wild and a racing heart. 

God I’m so tired and angry. I’m fed up with people looking down on everything I do, telling me it’s pointless and the next person telling me to try harder...