you're beautiful, but you're empty.

expression is pinched in disgust, lips curled as he looks from kim to the crumpled body, then back again; yet, beneath that, a hint of pride sparks. silas attempts to suppress it, however, until he knows a little more about what happened  —  something must’ve, he reasons with himself, because she doesn’t seem the type to act out without reason. he steps towards her, folding his arms across his chest. “ well, ” he says, shrugging; “ did he deserve it? ”

she doesn’t move or say anything until olivia has reached the top of the stairs,  a small breath pushing from her lips that hardly holds relief.  she’s here,  she’s alive,  but she isn’t okay,  and there’s nothing she wishes to do more than hold her daughter,  but she knows that’s not what she wants right now.  all that energy she wishes to give to olivia is focused in on the boy beside her as she finally turns to him,  hands reaching out to hold his.  ❝  we just need to give her time,  ❞   she speaks softly,  her eyes locking with his to give him some sense of security.  ❝  you should stay,  sweetie.   she may not be ready to talk,  but i have a feeling you might need to.  ❞  or rather,  she might need to.  ❝  let me get us something to eat,  yeah?  ❞

he can only hope he doesn’t look nearly as horrible as he feels, because guilt’s been eating away at him ever since he found out about the shooting. asher knew he overreacted the moment he walked out of that building, but he didn’t realize just how huge of a mistake he made until he found out about spencer and olivia. if he had been there instead, if he’d taken a break from football just long enough to be there for olivia, things would have gone differently. he wouldn’t be here, watching the most important person in his life go through something so bad.

her lips purse together and she nods her head slowly,  look of defeat on her own features as her mouth parts to let out a small sigh.  ❝  yeah  —-  i’ve been there,  ❞  she insists,  not wanting kimberly to feel alone in that.  ❝  but  —  just because you were bad too doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel hurt,  ❞   she insists.  ironic,  since she can’t take her own advice,  never allowing herself to feel the pain that layla brings on because she feels too guilty about what she did to admit that she was hurt by layla,  too.  

❝  it’s weird,  right?  in high school,  you think you have to be friends with certain people,  like  —-  like it’s going to matter once you leave.  it’s not,  unless you’re with who you want to be.  ❞   something she learned in rehab,  how most of the people she spent her time with definitely weren’t long term friends.  part of her still wants to believe that layla is,  but she’s too scared to hold onto the thought,  worried it’s too far gone.  when she looks at kim and her friends though,  it’s easier to believe in them.   they’re real friends.  she knows,  because she’s envious.  ❝  and where do you plan to go,  really?  ❞  another selfish question lingers:  does she know where jason plans to go?  

kimberly wants to believe that, because maybe then, she wouldn’t so feel so guilty because of the anger she feels when she remembers what amanda did, like she can’t be hurt, just because she’s far from innocent, too.  “i was worse.”  her jaw tightens, chest heavy with the weight of her guilt. she’s not willing to expand on that, because she doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want olivia’s opinion of her to change—  she’s afraid it might change her opinion of jason, too, for hanging out with her despite what she’s done.  “so i probably just deserve it. it’s fine.”

she nods, managing a small, somewhat forced laugh.  “yeah. it makes me feel stupid now, actually. just, like—   worrying about whether my friends were popular, not if they were decent people.”  kim realized, too late, that they weren’t. not only because of everything with amanda, but because most of her new friends are exactly the type of people kimberly’s old friends would have looked down on for no good reason.  

jude’s features are rearranged in a display of mistrust, shying away from jason, head tilted, brow arched. “i don’t know if i want that on my face.” typically so adventurous, it’s  -  odd to be so resistant, but the look of it makes him nervous, this adversity to something so wet touching his skin newly discovered, but visceral. “does it feel gross?”  @constantwar·

“not gross.”  there’s some uncertainty in his tone, because gross is pretty close to how he would have described it the first time kimberly talked him into wearing a face mask. his mind’s changed by now, clearly, because he has no issues dipping his fingertips into the container, collecting a generous amount onto them.   “just... weird. a little cold, i guess. but your skin’s going to be really soft after.”  not something he would have ever imagined himself caring about a year ago, but it feels like everything’s changed since then. 

forty’s mouth twists, threatens a sneer, curses and anger frothing at his tongue, but he can’t carry it through, not with her. there is teasing, and he finds it funny to press at and test the edges of her patience, but to be outright cruel  -  it’s a thing that he curls away from with disgust. instead he rolls his eyes, pulls another bottle of water from the hotel fridge, then finds his way back to his chair, through the mess of clothing he’s made of the floor; when forty settles, he shoots her the slightest glare. “you should know that it’s never quantity, it’s quality. my shit? fuckin’ money, and it’s money because i can see. i have vision. and my fucking vision doesn’t lead me astray.”

she lets out a small laugh and quickly shakes her head.  ❝  no,  no.  i mean,  to me,  yeah.  but only because i know what it looks like to be avoiding someone.  ❞   because she’s done plenty of that lately.  that’s exactly why she’s spending more time with jason and his new friends  ——  it’s so much easier to be around them,  because most of them have a fresh perspective of her and who she is NOW,  instead of who she was and what she did to get here.  ❝  really?  are you okay?  ❞   she’s heard a little bit about it,  but rumors mean nothing to her,  especially since at beverly hills,  she’s the star of most of them right now.  all that matters to her with kim is that she is okay,  and that’s why she focuses on that first,  because she knows what it feels like to have done something unforgivable when you’re the one hurting already.  

it’s a little embarrassing, to be avoiding people when there used to be a time in her life where it was the other way around. she hadn’t been afraid of anyone (besides her own friends, but she hadn’t realized that until the rangers came along to show her what real friendship felt like), but people had been afraid of her. kimberly doesn’t want to go back to that, because it’s so relieving not to be mean just to impress amanda clark, but that does nothing to fend off the shame she feels anyway. 

unfortunately, this isn’t the first time he’s woken up in the home of someone he barely knows. it’s a pretty common occurrence for someone who spends his weekends blackout drunk, stoned out of his mind.   “ you expecting money or something? ”  that’s all anyone seems to want from him, so the question’s genuine. genuine enough that he doesn’t even wait for an answer, one hand rubbing the sleep from his eyes, the other digging through his pockets to retrieve his wallet.   “ fuck, my cash’s gone. i could venmo you? ”