[ ENDURE & SURVIVE ]

he is so good to her.  he’s too good to her.  that’s why it feels so inevitable for it all to crash and burn,  because she’s never been with anyone who makes her feel this way  —-  like they truly care about her beyond a body to lay next to in bed,  like they think they’re better off with her on their side than not,  like the trust her with any life or death situation they find themselves in.  when spencer looks at rosita,  it’s clear to her that someone believes in her.  and that’s what she’s been fighting for all her life,  yet now that someone is so willing to give that to her,  it’s so strange.  

and it makes her want to crumble rather than to give into it,  her head looking down at the mention of  ‘ LOVE. ‘   has she ever felt it before?  would she know?  it’s clear right now that she hasn’t,  not before,  because nothing has ever felt like this.  it was just supposed to be sex.  

❝  as soon as you give away your heart,  you’re dead.   either someone stomps on yours or they stomp on the one you love,  ❞   she mumbles,  one hand gripping the steering wheel now,  the other resting on her forehead just underneath her cap.  she doesn’t want to think about this  —-  she just wants to DRIVE.  she wants the silence back.  there’s a reason that when they’re alone together,  she’s usually already taking off her clothes  —-  because that’s easy.  she can focus on that.  she can do that.  the talking that follows?  the look in his eyes when it’s clear he sees her for more than that,  the way he touches her so gently like his body is a home she can fall back into?  that,  she doesn’t know how to do.  

then he says things like that,  and she has no choice but to soften,  because she does care.  and she doesn’t want him to be scared;  she wants to help him fight.  she wants to protect him.  she wants him to feel safe with her,  too  —-  but she’s afraid all the safety she can provide him is just physical.  she can’t protect his heart,  not when she’s so good at breaking it.  ❝  we’re all scared.  we just don’t like to say it.  but you—-  ❞   she scoffs,  small smile barely tugging at her lips.  ❝  you,  you’re the brave one,  ‘cause you’re not too afraid to say it.  ❞   but she is.  

deep down,  she knows it’s not fair to him.  she may never be okay with giving into her feelings entirely,  and she will only ever be leading him on into nothing.  maybe the right thing to do is end it here,  to not cause him anymore pain here or down the road.  he deserves better than what she’s willing to give him,  at least right now.  but she’s too selfish to let it go,  too afraid that if she does let it go,  then she will never find it again.  too afraid to be without him,  because she knows her heart is with his,  and she can’t ignore that forever.  ❝  i told you,  this is good.  what we’re doing,  it ain’t gotta be too complicated.  ❞   no,  he shouldn’t have to pretend he doesn’t feel something if he does  —-  she’s much better at that,  she’s sure,  but she doesn’t think she’s ready to hear what it is that he really feels for her,  even if it’s obvious.  ❝  don’t overthink it.  ❞  her words are much more casual than what her eyes say,  betraying her mind,  reading ‘ i’m in love with you too.’   and as soon as she feels that in her gaze,  she looks down again.

he can’t believe that, nor does he want to believe she believes it; spencer understands there’s a risk with love, but it’s the risk that makes it worth it  ----  willingly surrendering the most vulnerable parts of yourself to someone, knowing that they will keep them safe. he has loved before, in varying capacities and stages; those before, ellis after, but it’s rosita that feels true. she’s the realest, the one he needs, the one he’s already offered himself to, time and time again; in every embrace and kiss, every night spent in his bed, he’s already hers, his heart and his soul already in her hands.

and he trusts her with all of him.

maybe she’ll hurt him; maybe it won’t work out. maybe he’ll hurt her, or one of them will die  ---  there are so many outcomes, too many possibilities; an infinity of endings, what ifs and maybes, but within that number, there’s a handful of good ones. there is love and a life together and so much joy  ----  so much happiness, like what spencer already feels around her. she’s worth the chance of pain, the hazard of a broken heart  -------  but because he’s prepared, he’s okay, doesn’t mean she must be.

he gives a little shake of his head, halfheartedly dismissal as he studies his hands  ---  callused and cracked, sporting a couple minor slices from a kitchen knife; a side effect of cooking with a distracted mind. there’s little remarkable about them, nothing special, and yet, they feel perfect when they’re holding her. “maybe it is brave, but... there’s other ways to be brave, too,” spencer says. ways that elude him. she can pull a trigger without palms beading with sweat, run into battle without her heart seizing in fear; she fights without thought, while his mind paralyzes him  --  though the hesitation is less and less with each day. and not because of his own strength; it’s rosita that calms him, rosita that guides his hand; it’s the fear of leaving her, the desire to make her proud. spencer wants to be someone she would want at her side in a fight  ----  and maybe he is, now. maybe that’s why she brings him out.

benjamin doesn’t even notice the dirt or disheveled look across kenneth’s person.  maybe he’s just used to it,  given the world they live in now  —  or maybe he’s just been so excited to see him for so long now that there’s no reason to pay any mind to it,  because all he cares about is him.  ❝  oh—  ❞   he mumbles,  quickly shaking his head.  ❝  it’s no big deal.  really.  i think you look nice.  ❞    he’s genuine,  a shy smile tugging at his lips as he looks at him,  before he glances around to the gardens.  ❝  really?  so you kinda do everything around here,  huh?  ❞  he’s impressed,  his grin only growing as he looks back at him now,  settled in the comfort of his arm around his waist.  he’s used to affection,  but that usually comes from family.  this is new,  and it’s exciting.   ❝  sounds like you stay busy.  and it sounds like people think pretty highly of you if you’re helpin’ out everyone,  ❞   he notes.  but he doesn’t see why they wouldn’t  —–  he thinks kenneth is incredible,  and he likes knowing that others see it too.      

the quick kiss causes benjamin to let out a small chuckle against his lips,  still finding it so strange that he is actually kissing anyone at all.  that happiness is difficult to contain,  but around kenneth,  he doesn’t want to anyway.  ❝  let’s make it the longest night ever.  i’m good with that.  but,  hey,  actually—-  i mean,  since we made it here so easily,  and things are all OKAY,  maybe the king’ll let me come more often.  with an escort, ❞  he adds with a teasing grin,  letting kenneth know he’ll be okay.  he isn’t that impulsive;  he wouldn’t put his life in danger for selfish gain  —   and that’s not about himself,  but it’s about not letting henry lose anyone else close to him.  he’s always thinking of him first.  looking down at their hands together,  he nods.  ❝  sure,  or —  or i could help you with ‘em,  if you want.  really,  i just wanted to see you  —–  doesn’t matter what we do,  ❞   he tells him,  looking back to meet his eyes.  whether he’s working or not,  benjamin is going to keep learning more about him,  and that’s all that matters on this trip.  his eyes shoot up at his,  then back down to the armor he had forgotten he was wearing.  face flushes red and he laughs,  shaking his head.  ❝  how do you know i don’t keep this on at all times?  ❞   he teases,  finally nodding in agreement.  ❝  okay,  sure.  i’ll take it off.  as long as that hug is a promise.  ❞

“i do what’s needed,” ken says with a shrug. “usually i help my dad the most, but it’s been such a nice day... i wanted to be under the sun. so he said it was fine if i worked in the garden  ---  and eddy? he just likes to show off.” but he likes ben’s interpretation, loves the idea that he’s useful, wanted beyond just his parents; kenny knows his value doesn’t end and begin there, but a modicum of validation every once and a while doesn’t hurt  ---  and though it’s never sought out, never what motivates him to lend a hand, offer what he can when it’s needed, he never denies the rush of relief that floods him when there’s a pat on his shoulder, a smile, a good job tossed his way.

it’s the same kind of warmth he feels so close to ben.

a single night feels too brief, but that’s as near to complaining as he allows his thoughts to stray; these few hours are precious, a gift he won’t shun. there’ll always be the desire for more; there isn’t enough hours in the day to satiate his need to be near benjamin. but it seems a satisfactory enough proposal, and ken beams, excitement curling down his spine. “maybe while you’re here you could talk to my parents, convince them how safe and easy the route is, so jesus can take me to the kingdom...” because he wants to see it; it, and more. there’s still a world out there, and he wants to know it  --  preferably with ben at his side. “jesus is teaching me how to fight.. i mean, i can use a gun, but he’s teachin’ me all the rest, so i could protect myself.” he states it matter-of-factly, in the same tone he uses with his parents when attempting to sway them to a decision that suits him; ken realizes this, and he laughs, shaking his head. “i may never be a knight like you, baby, but i could handle myself, definitely.”

he rolls his eyes  —-  but every time he does at eric’s expense,  it’s always paired with a soft grin,  always finding it difficult to even pretend to be annoyed with him.  ❝  not with that mouth,  ❞   he taunts.  with a hum,  head falls back,  comforted by eric’s ability to bring him to a new place whenever they’re together.  it’s like they’re somewhere else entirely,  somewhere safe,  somewhere normal by definition of the past.  when he’s alone with eric,  it’s easy to pretend that there is no harm waiting for them outside their doors.  it’s easy to pretend that they’re invincible  —  because he feels that way when he’s with eric.  his eyes close as he feels his breath against his ear,  small chuckle falling from lips upon hearing his words.  he clears his throat,  turning his head to look at him and bringing his hand up to rest against his cheek.  ❝ well,  honey,  there’s lots i want,  but .  .  .   ❞   he trails off,  grin only growing as he tugs him in closer.  ❝  why do you deserve it?  ❞

“you’ve never had a problem with my mouth before.” it’s involuntary, a knee-jerk response, and eric has to laugh at himself; these moments are his favorites, when he can tease laughter from aaron or cause a blush; any happiness he can spark in his husband provoking the same within him, blooming alongside satisfaction  ----  and a swelling pride. he feels it now, so close to him, so warm, legs intertwined, one of eric’s hands sliding across his chest, palm flattening above his heart; when aaron caresses his cheek, eric’s breath catches in his throat, and he sighs, low and content.

he doesn’t put up a fight, nor does he have anymore teasing words to spare.  instead, he takes the invitation —- one that he’s been waiting for ever since the moment he stepped out of their home that morning.  he hums,  pressing his head against his chest and letting out a small sigh of comfort.  ❝  i wish i had an extravagant story to come home with,  just to impress you,  but i’m afraid it wasn’t one of those days.  ❞   he’s teasing, but he’s honest, too.  being without eric just made aaron think about him more.  he was constantly looking for experiences that he could just tell him about later.  ❝  i couldn’t even find you the perfect souvenir to bring home  —-  so i guess you’ll have to take me instead, ❞  he taunts, opening his eyes to smile back up at him.   ❝  he’s not used to this,  you know.  but he’ll come around.  he’ll get there.  i do wonder how he’ll be when we do find someone.  ❞ 

he’d been more tense than originally realized  ----  as aaron slots against him, eric exhales, and it feels as if his entire person unknots all at once. fingers find his husband’s hair, comforted by the familiar tickle of curls, wanting more, but he manages to suppress the urge, biting down gently on his tongue. “i’m absolutely impressed, babe. you managed a whole day with him,” eric says, and though his tone is grave, the twitch of a smile betrays him. it isn’t a genuine hate he feels for the man  ----  it isn’t even something halfhearted. he just wishes it was him, still, them, he and aaron rediscovering the world. the thought invokes an ache in his chest, eric’s fingers curling tighter in aaron’s hair as his opposing hand smooths down his back. “oh, i would take you, any time, any day...” a breathy little laugh scrapes his throat, eyes squeezing shut as eric tracing idle patterns down aaron’s back. 

he doesn’t believe that because he wants to believe he can help him through it.  he doesn’t know all of what he’s been through  ——  he just knows that he is suffering,  and there’s nothing aaron won’t do to try to ease that pain for him.  he may not be able to fix it,  but hopefully,  he can remind him that he’s not alone  (  something tells him that’s something he needs to try to understand.  ) ❝  yes,  you can.  we can,  ❞   he corrects,  reminding him that aaron is here.   ❝  i am not leaving you,  okay?  you got that?  i’m right here.  we’re doing this together.  whatever you need,  i’ve got you.  just focus on me.  you don’t have to talk,  if you can’t,  if you don’t want to—–   i just want you to look at me.  ❞      

they’re ready to give him all the ways they could get in the way,  all the ways they’ve thought they have before.  but mostly,  everyone seems like a family here,  everyone has already established their place.  they don’t want to be responsible for ruining the system.  with a gulp,  they glance around again,  a small smile starting to tug at their lips.  ❝  yeah,  i guess so.  we don’t—-  i mean,  we don’t really wanna be on our own.  we did that already.  i hated it.  we need people.  ❞   maybe they’re the only teenager who actually wouldn’t like a home of their own,  but they know they’re not ready for it.  they’re been taking care of their little sister for so long,  and they’re mom tried,  but noah had to take care of themself most of the time too.  now,  they have people who want to care about them  —–  and they want that.  as soon as eric places his hand on noah’s shoulder,  noah reaches out to grab his other hand to hold,  scooting in closer to the man they have already decided is their caretaker.  ❝  i want to be with you guys.  i like it here a lot,  i like you guys a lot.  i’m sure everyone else is great  —  they seem like it!  but we wanna be with you.  you saved us.  this is where we belong.  just didn’t wanna say that before you did,  ❞   they add with a small, teasing grin.  they wanted to make sure eric did want them around,  before they assumed anything. 

he is comforted by the way he moves closer,  not wanting to keep any sort of distance between them now that they finally get the chance to be next to one another.  even just the way kenneth looks at him is enough to make him want to run back to ezekiel, bright smile and rosy cheeks across features as he tells him what a good day he’s had.  even if it’s just getting started,  benjamin knows it’s going to be good.  he doesn’t have to worry about the pressures of trying to fill any role,  doesn’t have to worry about what and who there is to fight outside the walls.  all he has to focus on is kenneth, this boy his heart beats so quickly for, this boy who makes him feel so whole.  he nods,  bashful in nature as he lets out a small laugh.  ❝  cool.  i’ve never done anything like this.  i mean,  i haven’t really known anyone else from the other communities,  so  .  .  .  but,  still,  you’re worth the inevitable argument i thought i’d have to have to get here.  i didn’t,  actually——   i think everyone kind of understood. ❞  which was weird to him,  because he tries so hard NOT to talk about any of this  ——  he’s too bashful,  but they all see it anyway.  he gives himself away more than he realizes.

as soon as he responds,  benjamin knows what’s coming,  and he holds his breath,  free hand clenching into a fist just to try to relax himself.  his eyes close after a moment,  shoulders relaxing instantly once their lips meet.  it’s what he thinks about,  every night after he says goodnight to the king and his younger brother,  wishing there was another stop before he found his bed.  the thought of this,  getting to kiss kenneth goodnight  (  or hello, like now )  is something that feels so out of reach,  so he doesn’t take it for granted.  he can’t stop the grin that forms over his lips the second they part,  his gaze even softer on him now.  ❝ n-no.  okay,  no,  we  .  .  .   definitely can’t do that in a letter.  i wish i could though,  ❞   he adds quickly,  a bashful smile on his lips as he looks down.  ❝  oh—  we’re heading back in the morning,  so i’ve got time.  we’ve got time.  ❞  he looks back at him again,  his hand squeezing his.  ❝  i hope you’re not too busy.  kinda banked this whole visit on spending time with you,  ❞   he teases.

his own inexperience is glaring  ---  but benjamin is so easy to be around, so familiar to him despite how little they’ve really seen of one another, that kenny fits easily against him  ---  the slightest bit comforted with the knowledge that he’s just as clueless, eager to discover how to navigate this together. and though he’s pleased, he’s vaguely disappointed, too, that he hadn’t been afforded a chance to clean himself up: a shirt stained with dirt, similar streaks across his cheeks, with his hair wild and a sheen of grease on his hands isn’t how he’d prefer to see him. with an apologetic smile, he detaches himself from ben long enough to swipe his palms uselessly down the front of his shirt  --  further damaging fabric already incapable of being saved. “s-sorry,” he mumbles, a blush spreading across his cheeks; kenny scrunches his nose as he wraps an arm around ben’s waist, as if he fears him disappearing if they aren’t connected. “i was helping in the gardens, then eduardo was showing me how to change a tire...” important jobs, necessary work, but it doesn’t quite compare to benjamin’s knighthood  --- though it’s typically more awe than envy these days at the sight of his armor.

he doesn’t buy into his laughter,  staring back at him blankly until he finishes  —-  and even still,  he can’t help himself from a grin that tugs at his lips,  just at the mere sight of eric’s smile  (  it’s why he can never truly be mad at him for his teasing;  he’s far too handsome to ignore.  )  his hand moves up to rest in eric’s hair as he places his head against aaron’s neck,  finally letting out a small chuckle at the feeling of his lips against his skin.  ❝  you’re challenging me,  ❞   he claims with a playful scoff.  ❝  really,  after a long day of bein’ out there with someone new,  all i want is to come home to rest with my man peacefully  —-  and this is what i get?  ❞  he accuses,  his head tilting up.