i am learning how to be alive

the crust on my nails and the nail polish chips on my feet are what make me human. the spots all over my face and the occasional random cut on my leg or face that’s been lingering for a few days are nothing compared to the warmth and homey feeling that her hands once dealt. she was sunshine on good days, tsunamis on mad days, bright and dull, but always showed me how much she loved me in the end. i miss it.

today i am made violently aware of how tiring self-isolation is. i wake up and i turn on the tv, throw the remote, and sob profusely into my bruised knees. i haven’t been around anyone in what feels like a bit longer than a lifetime and it is driving me no less than insane. i am tired. i am alone. i do not know how to ask for help.

i am constantly trying to understand when and where everything went wrong. i closely evaluate everyone around me, how they look at me and smile at me, their tone of voice while they speak to me, and i silently wonder how everything comes together in their minds. to be perceived is something that everyone must go through, but i believe that i am most sensitive to it.