journal of a writer

so i’m sure you are confused. you thought you had me. you thought that I would stay, like she did.  you knew I was in love, you knew I would do anything for you. but you thought that I was weak, like she was.  you are not invincible. one day you will realize this, that your actions too have consequences. you ruined her, but you will not ruin me.  I have been weak in the past, I admit. but I learned from my mistakes, I know this story. and I don't stick around to see how it ends.

and I almost feel fragile. as if you are afraid to make one wrong move, and I will break. and I know you know my past, I know you know what has hurt me before. but I have learned from my mistakes and it has not made me broken.

and that night was the moment my heart broke in half. maybe the night my faith in love truly began to falter, because if we couldn’t make it, then who could?

and at some point I thought to myself: ‘no person deserves this,’ and I realized that includes even me.

and you said 'I miss you' as if those words would fill the holes you left in my heart.

and I trusted you with things I have trusted very few people with. things I prefer to keep to myself, things that are hard for me to admit out loud. I thought if I trusted you, you would trust me. perhaps you would unlock all those dark doors, hidden in that head of yours. but as I lay here, I wonder why I laid out all my fears for you, if this bed is still empty.

and it’s not even you and me anymore, and i’m still making excuses for you.  ”why are you not angry?” they ask, for what he did to you.  anger is a useless emotion, I tell them.  how do I tell you I loved you more than I hated you? that I needed you more than I loved you? how do I ask you if I am alone, or if you miss me, too.  i’m forgetting what you did, i’m forgetting why I left.  I wish you were here, next to me. I wish I could kiss your lips and hear your voice. here, now, forever. there is nothing you will say to make this right. I can hear your words already, and I haven’t even asked the question yet.

and I sleep with the lights on now. I’m not sure what i’m so afraid of, but all I know is that life doesn’t feel the same without you. I feel like I took a leap that sent me tumbling down a mountain. I thought this was supposed to be good for me. I thought I was supposed to be happy now. but I just miss you and you aren’t here.

and it was when you told me your reasons will only sound like excuses that I realized that is all they will ever be. excuses as to why you are never here. excuses that are supposed to explain why I feel worthless all the time, and why we never talk anymore.  and this relationship was anything but. we skipped all the good parts; the honeymoon phase, the love, and went right into the bad. missed calls and sleepless nights, feeling quiet and missing you.  so you were right, your reasons will only ever be excuses. because there is no reasoning the way you have run us right into the ground.

I miss having you next to me. I miss your fingers grazing on my arms, while i’m trying to focus on something else. I miss your hand on my thigh while you are driving us nowhere in particular. I miss trying new things with you. I miss our stupid conversations and our stupid fights. distance does not become us, and I do not know how to fix it.

I lost myself inside that hole in your heart. trying to fix it trying to fill it. but no human can fill a hole that big no person can fix a crater that deep. I am lost down here it is dark it is quiet and I have forgotten who I am and where I came from.

Sorry for probably blowing up your notifications but your writing is SOOOO good!! Literally exactly what I’m feeling and it’s so well said, I love it all!

"and no matter how hard you try, no matter what the circumstances, I promise you that no good relationship can begin in the middle of another one."

and when you called me beautiful, it did not sound the way other men say it. it did not sound the same as the boy who said it to get his mouth on mine and it did not sound like the men on the street, yelling it with a whistle. when you called me beautiful looking at me as if you’d be content if I were the last thing you were to ever see, I felt like I might believe you.

and maybe you didn’t know, how bad you hurt me, how wholly you changed me. perhaps you were unaware that you twisted my heart into something awful, and broke my faith in love completely. perhaps you never knew how much I loved you, and how much that broke me.