wings&halo

but i'm back here where i used to belong and although it doesn't feel like home anymore, i can't find any lingering familiarity as well.

this blog was started during the early years of my youth. i never thought i would ever outgrow it, carve a place for myself somewhere else; starting anew without all of my past following me along.

but i did. i'm grateful for where i used to be and i'm also grateful that i'm able to grow beyond that person.

for years, i wondered what is happiness. where will i go. where will i end up. how am i going to navigate life while not wanting to live.

like the moon, i went through my phases. in the uncertainty of everything, i was my one constant and persevered.

now that i've prevailed, i still don't feel much fondness for living however i don't want to regret anymore. i want to make up for those years i spent hating and being despaired.

i don't wake up and see the sun in a different luminosity, the sky has always been blue but i'm the one who's new nowadays.

i came here with the intention of deleting things but i was meant to experience those thoughts, write those feelings and just needed somewhere to vent my youthful rage.

i'm an adult now and i feel like an adult by my own standards. i appreciate the haven that this place provided me with back when i had no sense of direction on how to be myself or this life i didn't ask for.

the things that used to matter the world to me have now become a part of the vast universe as i create a new world, no longer defined by what once was.

i'll always miss this place. i know i'll look back in fondness, nostalgia and pangs of forgotten heartbreaks. i needed to move on though and i did.

thank you to my younger self who pushed through, despite all the frustrations and hopelessness, you made it. you made it this far. i'm proud of you. we didn't become extraordinary but we are alive and i think we all should start from somewhere.

the answer is, i do not know. i have no idea why anymore. i can’t seem to remember any particular heart-wrenching reason or an earthquake inducing, life shattering memory where my love for you burgeoned to this extent. it has always been as simple as breathing. with each breath i take, i loved you. with each expansion of my diaphragm, i loved you. and with this final exhale in your name, i love you. 

all i knew was that it grew day by day, piece by piece, from one word to a string of sentences then a collection of messages until it became whole, still incomplete yet a larger piece of a medallion awaiting its fragments. 

i’m a poet, i have always been a writer. for the past sixteen years, my value was weighed in my ability to tie letters together and formulate a semblance of some coherent thought; i experience life in abstracts and the same was my perspective on our love. maybe we really did love each other, maybe we were just one of those “life lessons” for one another, maybe we’ve always held the destiny of “right person, wrong time” and the unsung heroes in a love story where sometimes the person we love isn’t meant to be together forever with us. 

It is not my loss.

All this while, I have never expressed publicly to respect your wishes but I’m tired. When was the last time I received similar level of consideration and compassion from you?

I’m tired of the way you keep to yourself. I’m tired of the way you begged for my utmost honesty and truest self yet never hesitate to scowl my way the moment those things appear. I’m tired of your empty promises and inability to act on your words. I’m tired of the way you only know how to bring things up when it’s my space to express and never learned to ask for your own space; you can’t give and take, you do not know how to prioritise someone before yourself. Always gotta have the final say. I’m tired of loving someone who doesn’t acknowledge the value of my love, my efforts, my determination for the sake of our relationship. I’m tired of the cowardice, the avoidance, the constant runaway attempts. I’m tired of the way you fear changes. I’m tired of continuously being doubted and misunderstood. I’m tired of being blindsided by accusations. I’m tired of worrying about saying the wrong things, I’m tired of worrying about making you upset and risk losing you. I’m tired of helplessly watching as you treat me like I never meant anything to you. I’m tired of how you hardly tried to communicate.

All the things I’ve done and you still left anyway. There was never a right answer or the correct way to love you; it was just, you. Your reaction, your responses, your acceptance, your disagreement, it was always just you; everything was dependent on you. And you chose to not do it, that was your answer.

You’ve always been the one who acts cruelly to the people who loved them. And this time, I hope I’ll be the one to give you that feeling. The sunken sensation of your heart dropping, the loss of direction as all the memories are wiped out from existence, the purposeful hurting. It is easier to forget than to forgive because forgiveness requires acceptance and humility.

I hope your heart is finally moved the way you did to mine. I hope you can feel your soul quivering and how it’s caving in from feeling so distraught. I hope you’ll finally taste the regrets you were more willing to face than fighting for my love. I hope your afternoons are dull and your night too silent. I hope your heart clenches painfully everytime the moon visits you, she was my attentive listener.