You are truly the most cruel to the person who loves you unconditionally. Dare I say, ungrateful as well. I could never do that because hurting you hurts me too. I could never act in a way that’s the opposite of my words; I’m not a hypocrite whose talk is cheap. I don’t take promises lightly, my heart is earnest and loyal. The lack of trust, the inability to believe, the assumptions and accusations, the double standards and immature sense of fairness, the stubbornly prideful arrogance, the absence of apologies. You’d rather believe the whispers carried by the wind than my own voice.
All this while, I have never expressed publicly to respect your wishes but I’m tired. When was the last time I received similar level of consideration and compassion from you?
I’m tired of the way you keep to yourself. I’m tired of the way you begged for my utmost honesty and truest self yet never hesitate to scowl my way the moment those things appear. I’m tired of your empty promises and inability to act on your words. I’m tired of the way you only know how to bring things up when it’s my space to express and never learned to ask for your own space; you can’t give and take, you do not know how to prioritise someone before yourself. Always gotta have the final say. I’m tired of loving someone who doesn’t acknowledge the value of my love, my efforts, my determination for the sake of our relationship. I’m tired of the cowardice, the avoidance, the constant runaway attempts. I’m tired of the way you fear changes. I’m tired of continuously being doubted and misunderstood. I’m tired of being blindsided by accusations. I’m tired of worrying about saying the wrong things, I’m tired of worrying about making you upset and risk losing you. I’m tired of helplessly watching as you treat me like I never meant anything to you. I’m tired of how you hardly tried to communicate.
All the things I’ve done and you still left anyway. There was never a right answer or the correct way to love you; it was just, you. Your reaction, your responses, your acceptance, your disagreement, it was always just you; everything was dependent on you. And you chose to not do it, that was your answer.
You’ve always been the one who acts cruelly to the people who loved them. And this time, I hope I’ll be the one to give you that feeling. The sunken sensation of your heart dropping, the loss of direction as all the memories are wiped out from existence, the purposeful hurting. It is easier to forget than to forgive because forgiveness requires acceptance and humility.
I hope your heart is finally moved the way you did to mine. I hope you can feel your soul quivering and how it’s caving in from feeling so distraught. I hope you’ll finally taste the regrets you were more willing to face than fighting for my love. I hope your afternoons are dull and your night too silent. I hope your heart clenches painfully everytime the moon visits you, she was my attentive listener.
I hope your body will tense up everytime you walk past a florist shop or a patch of flowers. I hope you’ll never look at golden pink and purple skies the same way. I hope you’ll hesitate before every sip of your cranberry juice and your coffee is always a tad too bitter.
