Life is a stage and we're just actors

Alright, so I’m a psychology major. Currently enrolled in social psychology. We were going over “Liking, Loving, and Interpersonal Relationships”. I like to think of psychology as the study of manipulation, so there are looooooots of things that I can apply to sugaring. However, there’s one thing that I learned last week that I wanna talk about.

This is “The Pratfall Effect”. 

Essentially, this effect says that people like you more when you make a mistake, assuming they find you competent. Let me give you an example:

You’re on a POT date. You look fly AF; hair done, nails done, eyebrows on FLEEK. You’re walking flawlessly in those 6 inches. Posture is perfect; your 5th grade orchestra teacher would be proud. Converation is flowing so naturally. It is so obvious that he is smitten. That veal and potato entree hits your table and DAMN, that looks good. You pick up the right utensils and use them exactly how they’re meant to be used. Suddenly, you stop, because he says, “You got a little something there.” You got sauce all over the corners of your mouth. OH NO! Right? Wrong. You laugh, he laughs; he is YOURS. 

The way I look at it is you’re making yourself more memorable. Showing that you can make a mistake even while being so seemingly flawless makes you appear vulnerable and real. You’ve made an impression, instead of being perfect like he expects, you’re a… person. Who are you more likely to remember? Someone who does everything right or someone who is real?

Life is a musical  

typically my advice is to stay away from men for as long as possible. Odds are that the majority you run into, will hinder your growth. So my advice is to look out for men, rather than look for anything in them.

Cultivate your self-esteem, your passions, become financially independent.

Cultivating self-esteem: i can’t stress this enough, it must be there before you go near men. Most men will damage your self-esteem. It doesn’t even have to be deliberate on their part. It can be something like them not responding to your communication needs and you will turn that inwards, and see that as reflecting your self-worth.

My advice to brown girls is typically the same as well. To build those things first. But then i guess, reluctantly, I do advise them to date. Because they will often be discouraged from dating. And in my experience, no woman from our cultures has managed to get away with not being paired to a man without breaking ties, no matter her initial reluctance. And your parents pickings will definitely be far worse, in that the aim of parents choosing for you (whether anyone admits it or not) is to continue patriarchal control over you.

So coming to what to look for in men:

1) look for how he reacts when you disagree with him. This is the biggest thing imo. Does he get irritated. Does he budge. If he does budge is it reluctant “I guess you’re right”. Do things seem to always be followed by a but. What you want is someone who is impressed and admires you. Not someone who is annoyed that you know better or more, because that would mean he wants to maintain himself above you. Also, men can admire you for being intelligent or opinionated but still manage to reduce you for it: either objectify you or infantilize you. E.g., aw its so cute she knows a lot. OR it’s hot that she knows a lot. Avoid  both. 

2) is the conversation conducive: it’s more than if he is just listening to you and can regurgitate what you’ve told him about yourself. Does the convo have a flow. Do you get to say what you want. Does he hear you out, ask questions, show interest.. or is he just waiting for an entry point in the convo where he can insert himself in order to relate to you. Because the first one feels wholesome whereas the latter, while okay, will make you feel empty in the long run. (and i personally like it when i have said what I want, and the guy still stays quiet on the topic until I ask him so ‘what about you’. I like it when they are quiet and don’t speak unless instructed.. this applies for any men in my life not just dating  lmao but anyway)

3) look for how he talks about other women.. what it is that he talks about when he talks about women. Look at how he looks at other women. Ask him about the women he has been attracted to and how he became attracted to them/what about them he liked. Ask this for real women. Ask this about fictional women. Always be mindful of whether he is objectifying women or not. If he is objectifying women, he’s not capable of real love so forget it. How to know whether he is objectifying women or not? Ask yourself if you or any women you have known would become attracted to a man in the same way/same scenario that he is describing to you.

4) Porn, dominance & attraction: this one is by far the hardest for me to describe. It does go in with #3, about how they talk about women. You can ask the guy about his current porn use, age at first exposure. What he thinks about and gets off to lol. But I have found that they give it away in their verbal language and body language. Like the example of the guy I talked about who I had asked who he was attracted to/ if he ever found someone sexually attractive that he did not find emotionally attractive. And he mentioned his boss and then told me how he did fantasize about her, then goes “you know when you wanna put someone in their place….. oh you don’t know??” If a guy “falls for you” real fast, to me that is an indication of him having objectified you. Love takes getting to know. If he seems to have a “type”, i am personally weary of those men. Any type at all. A body type, even a personality type. Because they still manage to reduce women into categories. You cannot and should not fall in love with a category!

5) how he makes you feel about yourself: related to the above. It’s his responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. I have stated elsewhere that I believe, that unless a woman has clinical type self-esteem issues, the average woman’s self-esteem issues in a relationship actually stem from their male partner’s failures. Their male partner is either objectifying other women which comes across subtly in conversations or the way they behave. So if you are not feeling good about yourself while you are with him, you’re not crazy. He is shit. 

6) age old how he treats others: how does he treat people in the service industry. Does he get annoyed when his food at the restaurant takes longer. Life is a game of patience, and he won’t live if he doesn’t have any.

7) sense of responsibility: does he pick up after others. Not just himself. But others. This is observed. But also you can tell from the stories he tells you. What does he do for others? It’s the kind of thing where eg., the house phone rings, who has to go for it or else it goes unanswered? Would he put the dishes in the sink or leave them around for someone else to pick up?

8) what is he telling you about himself: related to above.. When we tell stories, we all want something taken away from them about ourselves. What is he trying to get across? Most men’s stories are about a display of power and dominance, rather than having been helpful. Take notice!

9) How he relates to other men and things deemed feminine: does he have a lot of guy friends (these men are a lost cause lmao). If he tries to distance himself from anything that is related to women, stay away from that man. E.g., he doesn’t watch click flicks… or  watches them cos they are good to watch when you don’t want to think so much. Also relating to #3, you can also check that from how he views female characters in movies, TV shows and books. If he sees their perspective or not. I remember one guy told me that robot girl from ex-machina was crazy, and that’s all he had to say, and i wanted to bash his head in cos of how dumb his thoughts on the movie were….. If he can’t see from the female perspective in shows and books where it is literally spelled out, he lacks emotional depth and empathy. 

Men Provide Resources, Women provide Beauty

A woman’s physical attractiveness isn’t just linked with her fecundity, but also increases a man’s social status in society by virtue of being linked with her. 

Men who are perceived as unattractive when paired with women considered attractive, are rated higher in social status and other status related issues. 

In other words, for an unattractive man to land a beautiful woman, he must possess something society doesn’t see.

Men want to be with this expensive type of women, because it makes them feel more relevant to themselves and the society 

Finding a Man of Means (MM) means looking like a woman for the Means of Means

If you want a MM to give you attention, you too have to give attention to your body and your looks. 

No man will pay the same attention to a woman in an outworn jeans and shabby t-shirt, with her dirty hair and no make-up on, and a fully made-up woman in dress and heels. 

This is the reality, and always keep it in mind. Even if you are too tired and bored, getting all dressed up will lift your spirits, but will also lift the level of attention you are getting from the environment. 

Have the „I’m above the situation attitude” The way you look, says what you are looking for. 

Always show a dressier version of yourself. There is no man who doesn’t like to see a dressed up and good looking woman. 

You have to build something called The constant level of appearance. 

My mother makes up, first thing in the morning, and then she puts on some nice, comfortable dress even if she is staying at home. Then her day starts. And my father was in love with her his entire life. That’s the power of beauty and grace. 

If they are used to seeing you all dressed up, your value will rise” 

There is no point of looking good once a week, and all other days not. You will just look pathetic to your neighbors.

“It doesn’t count if one day you are super dressed, and then the other one you come looking as a cowgirl. Keep up the level”.

one thing was characteristic of all her looks – she looked expensive. 

Look expensive, you’ll attract expensive, look cheap, you’ll attract cheap 

In order to have MMs spending money on you, you already have to reflect some money. 

It is naïve to expect and behave as someone worth spending money on, if you yourself do not posses anything valuable. You will just seem poor, asking for charity.