L.A. Confidential

Well, boys and girls, I asked and you didn't disappoint. It seems we've got some dirty laundry that needs to be aired out. Ahem, roll call:

Dani Amber told us that she feels safest when she's hanging out home alone with movies and a pint of ice cream. Is this strange to anyone else, or is that just me? It sounds like you need to hit the gym instead, sweetie, before all that ice cream goes straight to your thighs.

Laken Berton, also known as the King of Vague. He couldn't give a straight answer to save his life, disguising each response with a veil of uncertainty. What we did learn is that he gets off on being in control and doesn't trust anyone but himself. Sounds like a bad horror movie waiting to happen.

Does anyone else think Jack Dobbs looks like he might be homeless? Well, he certainly has poor taste if he's interested in Reed, because she is literally the most boring person I've ever had the misfortune to report on. But it sounds like if things keep going well he'll soon be ready to have some little ones of his own. As soon as his siamese twin Ralphie can get out of the hospital. Personally, I find his attachment to his friend weird as hell, but to each's own...

Isobel Fischer, could not have come off more like a dumb blonde if she tried. Every time she was asked a question, she couldn't think of a full answer on the spot. She couldn't even tell us what celebrity she'd like to run into on the streets; Isobel, sweetie? The questions are going to get much harder than that. And then she went on and on about chewing gum? 

Then there's Abbilee Harcourt, who believes she lives a life of luxury. She's constantly lying to those around her, so watch out friends. And she doesn't discriminate, so those of you who think you're close to her, watch your backs. Especially you, Jude. You're the one who seems to have the most to lose with her.

Brielle Harcourt, raised by her butler, since her parents were basically neglectful and she had a poor relationship with her older brother. Apparently things in the sibling department are looking up, but she doesn't know exactly where the two stand. She's closest in age with him and her cousin Abby, but she thinks they need more help than anyone in their family. Ouch, talk about rough.

Let's talk about the oddity that is Cooper Harcourt for a second. I mean, first of all, he's living in a house of children that aren't his, taking care of them and raising them as his own. He's also living with his best friend and cousin who are getting it on just one room over at any given time. Weird. And then, when asked about why he wanted to become a doctor, his answer was that he just wanted to be better than his stupid sister. Thank God that career option didn't pan out, am I right? How many lives would have been botched thanks to him?

Nate Hawkins, second string footballer for UCLA Bruins. He seems to have high hopes for L.A.: get a degree in four years, try to keep his head down and make memories. But what he doesn't know is that the fling with Raime that he thinks he left in Deering followed him to L.A. Yes, their reunion is one to look out for. 

Jude Huntington, father of two, raising his family with the help of his best friend and girlfriend. Now, this doesn't seem that strange, really. But does he really have the best decision making skills? I mean, he did just pack up his entire family to move to L.A. for a girl. Was it the best choice for his family? Or just what he wanted? Damn, what is with our shitty young fathers? 

Hunter Keyes was also a bore to me. Apparently there's not a single thing she dislikes about being a mom and she's got these legs carved by Jesus or something. But she wasn't totally worthless, I suppose. I did get a kick out of hearing that her ex, Oliver called for some money recently that she couldn't supply.

If you could be any more boring, Reed Lombardo, I'd die of shock. From what I've gathered, your sister ran away (probably from you), so you decided to follow your crush to L.A. because you didn't know what else to do with yourself. God, I can't say it without distaste in my mouth. How. Pathetic.

We heard from Elodie Marseilles that she doesn't believe in stereotypes, so her dying her hair red has absolutely nothing to do with people thinking that she's just some dumb blonde. She also would trade places with Aly Scott in a heartbeat, because she leads such a thrilling life. Watch your back, Little Miss Starlet. How does that saying go? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

Listening to Liam Marseilles answers really concerned me. I mean, first, he says that he wants to have more kids, but from what I can tell, he's having a hard enough time raising the one he's got. Doesn't sound like the most well thought out plan. He also doesn't seem to have good role model skills either, as he's dropped drinking entirely, but has picked up smoking almost religiously. I guess it would probably be for the best then that he said his four year old son to pick out the woman he was going to marry. Although, I don't know if I would trust a four year old's judgement.

Nora Marseilles gave us a detailed insight into the hostile environment that she grew up in. It seems that the Marseilles can be pretty brutal unless there's alcohol involved. It was bad enough to make the pretty girl ship off to Japan, only coming back when her parents and sister died, yet she suddenly feels like a piece of her is missing? From the sounds of it, Nora, that piece went missing long before your matching face decided to off herself. You should feel guilty.

Little Raime Marseilles, lives such a rough life, doesn't she? She's embarrassed to tell people that her parents are pregnant again, and for good reason. That's certainly not something to brag about. She also has refused to tell people that she's moved to L.A. for a fresh start. She's deluded into thinking that she'll never run into Nate since L.A. is such a huge place. Newsflash, Rai, Karma has always been a bitch. Expect to see Nate real soon.

Piero Medici, another man of evasive nature. All we could really prod from him was that he has done drugs at one point in his life, he doesn't trust a soul but himself, and business brought him to L.A. What kind of business, Medici? One to watch, for sure.

How could we forget the Miss Aly Scott? Well, we knew she was vain but I didn't realize how humble she was. 'Did you know you're pretty? Oh yes, it's something you just know when people just tell you all the time. Part of being a celebrity, I suppose.' You're not going to win any new awards with that attitude, Aly.

It seems like everyone has been a little shy, lately. I'm out of a job if you all trade in your horns for halos, so I propose a task. You will each be messaged a name of a fellow Angelino and it will be your job to find out as much dirt on them for the next week. I would get out the monocles and scent hounds because people will be vicious. Hop to it sleuths, I'll be doing a little digging of my own.

Hugs and kisses,

Madison Ackerman

Maddie speaking children, so, shut up, and listen.

I was enjoying a cocktail at Winston's (I know, many of you are jealous, but they only let classy people in, not celeb wannabes who will pant at the sight of Justin Weiner) and I overheard some juicy gossip that I just had to share!

Apparently, Miss Clara Stephenson, the daughter of Elite Magazine owner, Bishop Stephenson (I don't know why you all pour over it like it's a bible, my writing is way more entertaining) is going to be spending her days in federal prison! I wonder what the little bitch did! Do any of you know? Send it in and there will be treats coming your way.

Hugs and kisses,

Well, aren't you an insensitive little prick? Respect the dead, because they don't come back. You'd think that some people would be more mindful of their presence when it clearly upsets others. 

The whole town knows she has had goo-goo eyes for the ever-broody Nate Hawkins - her sister's boyfriend since the dawn of time. It wouldn't surprise me if she finally lured him into her bed. Is someone following a good ol'Marseilles tradition?

The events of the charity ball were no match for some of us (I crack myself up), but lucky for you I was on scene to take in the sights and listen in when you thought no one could overhear. And boy, is there a lot to report for once:

The fashion was impeccable tonight, thoroughly confounding me, because I was certain you all would show up in clothing equivalents of garbage bags. Kudos.

Dear Marseilles matriarch: Next time you're feeling charitable and offer people work, hire a new crew. Nothing kills an event like or as fast as rude and annoying staff who act more snobbish than the guests.

Lauren was the perfect picture of a victim when she showed us there's nothing quite like a good old fashioned sob fest to really liven up a party. Toughen up sweetie, because if you insist on being besties with a psycho, the tears are inevitable.

Ever the social outcast, Hadley caused very few ripples of attention. While that makes for no fun for me, at least she wasn't making an event that was for our Queen A to be about herself. You do catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, and Hadley seems to be a sugar bowl.

Oh Crazy Clara, what didn't you do? Between making out with the wait staff and picking fights with everyone from your best friend Abby to random (though sinisterly familiar) security guards, you certainly gave us all quite a show.

Speaking of making out with the wait staff, it appears that our very own Hollywood starlet Aly Scott was seen kissing her fair share of Deering-ites, until she vanished into thin air like smoke (oh, I'm on a roll).

But this kind of thirsty behavior wasn't only exclusive to Crazy Clara and the Scott girl. Oh no, it seemed that sparks (haha, I did it again) were flying all over the event: anywhere from the hot and heavy of Preston and Hunter, to the mild flirtation of Ada and Landon. That champagne must have been laced.

None of this holds a candle (okay, last one) to the finale of the event, however, when the fire alarms started going off. The Marseilles estate, along with Human Torch impressionist Elodie, were set ablaze by an unknown assailant.

And just when we thought no more could happen to the Marseilles clan, news came that Nina had joined our Queen A in the great beyond. At least the best part of her will live on in Jude's daughter.

Finally! One of you bitches has at least half a brain. I say half because, let's be real, most of the women in Deering are manipulative cowards who are just easy in general.