Confessions and Lessons

If you are a single woman, then at one time or another you have faced the single woman pity. The look that people give you as to say OMG the world is going to come to an end because you are single. I don’t really understand why people feel like you need to be in a relationship to complete or validate yourself. Perhaps some of us do not want to get married, perhaps some of us are still waiting to find the person we think is good enough for us, or perhaps we are happy just being single?

If you are a single woman you have probably had that moment where you ran into an old-school friend or colleague, someone from a past life you haven’t seen in a while. You do the pleasant thing and say hi how are you, its most likely that they will respond and say something like “Great, just running around for the kids…..”. They finish their sentence then instantly you know what’s coming, you are already dreading the question, then bang! “What about you? Are you married? Any kids?”. That’s when you go into your shell almost feel bad for yourself, your tone lowers and you say “no, not married, no kids.”, then they give you the head tilt and the *ullshit pity talk “Oh don’t worry, you will find him soon, he’s probably just around the corner”. You then either agree or say oh no I’m happy as I am, but you say it in such a high pitch voice out of nerves that you can see the other person isn’t quite convinced, so now you have to say more rubbish to convince them as well as yourself. What makes it worse is that that other person is usually a fellow woman. 

I’ve had so many moments when a fellow woman has given me that pity talk, most the time I’ve said “Oh it’s fine, I’m not really looking anyway” or “I’m fine, it will happen when it will happen”. What I really want to say is “Oh it’s fine, I get to go out, get drunk, sleep in, get my nails done, my hair done, travel the world, so I’m happy”. Followed by “God children hey? That must be hard, bad enough your husbands snoring probably kept you awake before and now you have children keeping you up. No time to see friends or smell of perfume instead of sick. I bet you’re cleaning sick at 4am when I’m getting in from a night out or you’re probably making school costumes for arts and crafts whilst I’m learning the art of Michelin star dinning at the Duck and Waffle”. I’d love to say that, but I don’t. Sometimes the single woman pity’s the non-single woman, for what she deems happiness is so far from what you deem to be happiness. She now pity’s you for not being able to be you, for the fact that your life seems like a storm of events you cannot get away from and she is probably feeling pity for you because you started the pity party, petty I know, but that’s what happens.

 How about the single mum or divorcee? It’s just as bad for you, right? Because they speak to you in a way to say “Oh you should have never left him, how can you be single again” Failing to understand that you are happier now then you ever were, encouraging and empowering women to stand up for themselves and walk away because it’s best for them or their children.

It’s even worse when you meet a woman regardless of if you are single or taken, she thinks she can start to rub salt into the wounds, or so she thinks. She will go on to say her husband is working hard, whilst she is the housewife and her family are going somewhere exotic for a holiday soon, she has this many cars, this many bedrooms’ blah blah blah. Good for you love, I’m happy you have all these things, clearly important to you, but not to me, so really it back fires and another pity party starts.

I have no issues with being single for I choose to be single right now, yes that’s right I choose. It’s not code for I really want a man and that’s why I have to say this so you believe it, it’s the truth. I have finally learnt that when I bump into someone random and they give me the pity talk I can call them out and say to them “Oh please no need for pity, I love my life. I am happy I am free, for right here and right now I am exactly where I want to be in life”. I don’t want to kick the fellow non-single woman down, so I hope you can all say the same. What I would say to those non-single women is, remember you were single once before, remember the pain, the heartache, the madness, the struggle. The single woman has or is probably going through it, perhaps she is flying so high in her career making progress breaking barriers for all women or perhaps she is doing what she truly loves and sees no room for a man in her life, she is content in being who she is loving life itself. Don’t judge her or pity her, instead encourage her, stand strong with your fellow woman. She has enough $rap to put up with as it is, she doesn’t need a fellow woman to make her question womankind.

Women have moved on so much yet we still have some women forgetting the first rule of being a woman – girl power! Fair enough you got married at the age of 24 and are still with him, well good for you, but just because that was right for you doesn’t mean it is right for every other woman. Perhaps you should look at the single woman and see what she is doing for herself and more importantly womankind. The same applies on the other side, just because a woman is married and has children doesn’t necessarily mean she has lost herself or that the chaos in her life means she isn’t happy. Perhaps she has fulfilled one of her dreams and the storm of events she deals with in her life of being a working woman is adding to the pot of women’s strength, you are both helping women to grow, sometimes you just forget that you are on the same side and it’s not about having a one up on each other, it’s about how we are working together as a team to help women. 

How many of you read the title with a bit of an eye roll and a negative tone? It’s so standard in society now for people to say the word men and hold negativity towards it. There is no secret to the fact that women have always spoken out to their friends and family about how a man treated her bad, but what about the men that treat her well?

So many will say the term “right man”, well what constitutes as the right man? Loyal, funny, good looking, caring, kind, compassionate, romantic, generous, thoughtful the list is endless. Yet we all know there is no such thing as a perfect man, in fact there is no such thing as a perfect person for what we all deem to be perfect is also not the same. Times have now changed so much and women have made so much progress in the world that we have forgotten about men. Some would say men may have gone backwards, there’s a lack of chivalry, manners, gentlemen like behaviour, wining and dining; yet on the other hand there has been progress in that some of them are more sensitive, take time to groom themselves, they are house trained, have no issues talking about their emotions and feelings.

We are very good at remembering the ones that cheated, hurt, left, abused, used and in some way or another shattered a woman. What about the ones that have loved, cared, adored, supported and looked after a woman? The ones that will work with you to clean the house, make the dinner, do the school runs, do the washing, load the dishwasher. The ones that are independent, earn their own living being able to support a woman if she needed it, the ones that buy random gifts, organise surprises just because he wants to.

How about the single father? Who might be raising his children on his own and showers his children with all the love and affection he possibly can, whilst still being a bread winner and doing the house chores? Or the great husband who appreciates everything his wife does for him by giving her a foot rub or buying her flowers. The man who is a husband and understands that his home maker wife needs to get away sometimes and despite working a ten-hour shift will look after the children on a Friday night so she can go out with her girls. The man that comes to pick up his woman at 3am from the club she was at with her friends. The men that iron your clothes for you whilst you do your hair and make-up, the man that has got himself together and has created a foundation for himself.

Some women spend a lot of time talking about men and how they did them wrong, or how they are all the same, yet some of these same women are still in search for the “right man”. What if we stop thinking that they are all the same? Stop saying the word men with an eye roll and remember that they are not all the same, there are good ones out there. Perhaps the reason a good one hasn’t come along is because you don’t give him a chance to because you are already expecting him to be the wrong one? Let’s also not forget that all the hurt and pain a man can cause a woman can easily be caused by a woman to a man, they just don’t talk about it as much as women.

Society tells us that women are emotional and talk a lot, whilst men don’t talk about feelings and must “man up”. Men have been forced into conforming to what society tells them to conform into, the irony is because of that very force they sometimes can’t be the man they want to be and must “man up”. Men aren’t aliens, they have feelings, they have emotions, they also have the pressure of being the man and trying to be the “right man” and the “good man”. Take a minute to think about the men in your life or some of the men you have met who were and perhaps still are wonderful men. 

The media talks about all the wonderful women doing it for girl power and how they inspire us, which they do, and it is wonderful that they can reach all women around the world with their inspiration, but what about the everyday woman? These women are more inspiring to me than any other. They go through life doing the best they can which is at a hundred mile per hour speed, delivering to their families, their children, their husbands, their friends, their job and themselves. The strength that they have the commitment to continuously deliver is faultless in them. They play many roles, they all have different lives and priorities, but each one is just as unique and inspiring as the other, yet they don’t know it.

The woman who works over 40 hours a week in an office as a single mum and comes home to look after her child, do her child’s homework with them, get them ready for school, wake up in the night when her child is ill and still go to work the next day with 3 hours sleep to do a 12-hour day. The woman who works hard to give her children everything, taking them to ballet, karate, gymnastics, school parties and still cooking, cleaning, managing her home.

The woman who has become a new mother who is learning everyday how to be a mother, transitioning from her former life to a new one with the biggest responsibility of all, her child. Whilst doing this she still finds the time to spend with her extended family, cooking for them and hosting, juggling between motherhood and having her own time as a woman. The woman who has returned to work from maternity and managing baby care, home life, friends and her career, whilst also feeling the pain and guilt of leaving her child and not always being there.

The single woman working hard to save for her own place to make her own home and future whilst still trying to look after her mother. The single woman who does everything in her home for her parents, taking them on holidays, paying for their lifestyle, bringing family members together with birthdays and events and still giving all relationships around her as much focus and importance as the other. The woman who is finding her feet, who despite not enjoying her job is still focused and determined to find her destination to let her fulfil her future dreams. The woman who is divorced, back in the world as a single woman, starting a whole new life where she feels alone but continues.

The woman who has lived every role of a woman, a wife, mother and now grandmother. Taking time to help her children by looking after her grandchildren. Allowing all her lessons and experiences to come into practice, still determined still committed to being strong and never shying away from what is now natural to her.

People will always say to you “you can do it”, but it’s not until you believe in yourself can you truly take that step to do what it is you want to do. The fear of failure, the anxiety, the embarrassment, all the things your brain starts thinking about to convince you that you perhaps cannot do it. But what if you did do the thing you wanted to? Imagine what you would gain? Fear would have failed, anxiety would be lost and embarrassment would turn into achievement.

For the past year, I have been struggling with myself to take a leap of faith within myself, I worked in the corporate world, and decided to stop working and do what I wanted to do, write my first book. I’ve wanted to do this for over two decades now, but of course life and work takes over, or perhaps it was neither of those things and my own lack of belief in myself and the fear of failure that held me back. We all go through life with our own struggles, our own cultural rules including societies rules and we end up conforming so much we never find ourselves. I’ve spent years trying to learn lessons of life, some of which I have learnt some of which I am still trying to learn and during that time I can confess that I have broken many of the conformed rules, and I know I am not the only one.

It has taken me a long time to get the courage to go against the grain, do something different and really take a leap of faith. I know I am not the only one doing this, hundreds of people do this every day, and they are the kind of people who will also encourage others to pursue their dream or their calling. So here I am taking that step and hoping that if you are one of those people standing on the fence waiting to jump over to the side of the unknown, I want to encourage you and help you to take that step towards your goal.