The Completely Incorrect Works of Wm. Shakespeare @completelycorrectshakespeare - Tumblr Blog

Prospero: For years, I've done the best I could to raise you. Have I been perfect? No. Do I know anything about children? No! Should I have picked up a book on parenting?! PROBABLY! Where was I going? I had a point…

#incorrect shakespeare #the tempest

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Benedick: We’re having a moment, aren’t we?

Beatrice: If by a moment you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

#incorrect shakespeare #much ado about nothing

“The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like swimsuit issues and Saving Private Ryan, and Jersey Shore and crabs.”

- I don’t know why this feels like a Ferdinand line

#incorrect shakespeare #the tempest

Macbeth: What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.

Lady M, under her breath: I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.

#incorrect shakespeare quotes #Macbeth

Hamlet, dying: I'm going. Take care of my Great Dane, Lothar.

Horatio, cradling his body: You don't have a Great Dane, Hamlet.

Hamlet: Get a Great Dane, name him Lothar.

#incorrect shakespeare #hamlet

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Richard III: Something’s off.

Ghosts: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.

Richard III: no, but that’s funny.

#incorrect shakespeare #richard iii

Hamlet: This dumb therapist just said I have “unresolved daddy issues”.

Hamlet: First of all, my dad is dead, so you look really stupid right now.

#incorrect shakespeare #hamlet

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Romeo: I'm right here..?

Juliet: "Wherefore" means "why", not "where".

Romeo: Misunderstandings like these are what define our relationship.

#incorrect shakespeare #romeo and juliet

Sebastian: Okay, who else thought Viola was a dude?

Sebastian: Put your hand down, Viola.

#incorrect shakespeare #twelfth night

Friar Lawrence: I have a plan

Juliet: Does the plan include us not dying?

*three hours later*

Friar Lawrence: I said a plan, not a fucking miracle

#incorrect shakespeare #romeo and juliet

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Bassanio (between Portia and Antonio, grinning): How great is this? My favorite person in the world… And my wife.

Portia: My whole life.

#incorrect shakespeare #merchantofvenice

I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they're small. It's funny to say they're big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses, in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-so dick. I've got such-and-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

- Prospero

#incorrect shakespeare #the tempest

Ophelia: I know when I’m being lied to. It’s like when I look in the mirror and say, “everything is going to be okay.”

#incorrect shakespeare #hamlet

Edmund: When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it’s “intelligent” and “really cool”, but when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to move on.”

#incorrect shakespeare #king lear

Katharine: If you like me, raise your hand.

Petruchio: What do I do if I don’t like you?

Katharine: Raise your standards, bitch

#incorrect shakespeare #taming of the shrew

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Falstaff: Don’t worry; I know what I’m doing. I saw the first 15 minutes of The Hurt Locker.

*cut to 20 minutes later, Falstaff playing possum on the battlefield*

#incorrect shakespeare #henry iv #falstaff

When life gives you lemons, steal your dad’s jewelry and go clubbin’!

- Jessica

#incorrect shakespeare #merchantofvenice

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