#falstaff

richard ii: luxury lifestyle instagram influencer. he is posting the most diabolical GRWMs with 28-step skincare routines and casually flexing his insane wealth. dangerously "labubu matcha rave dubai chocolate"-adjacent. unboxing videos, shopping hauls, watch me style [x], things in my mansion that just make sense, etc.

aumerle: shadow account on facebook that he uses to comment praises on every article about richard and reports everyone who criticizes him

bolingbroke: only has a linkedin where he passive aggressively vagueposts, first about the need to get a proper estate lawyer to secure your legal inheritance, then later about failing as a parent by not disciplining your children enough

hal: twitter account that he's constantly getting reprimanded for by his publicity agents. posts god-tier shitposts which he's amassed a cult following for. frequently publicly clowns on his dad but it's all a part of his plan for when he deletes everything & comes back with a fresh new professional account

hotspur: spends all his waking time arguing on reddit

ned poins: posts tiktoks of him and the guys doing stupid shit at the boar's head, frequently live streams the pranks they play on falstaff, has gotten a huge amount of followers

falstaff: i can't bring myself to assign him 4chan. he probably has a dumb ass reddit account where he makes up stories on r/aita but gets caught by hal and pretends he did it on purpose. poins posts a read-aloud of it to his tiktok.

"Falstaff at Hern's Oak" by Michele Beneditti, in the public domain. Accessed at the Metropolitan Museum of Art website here

[Sponsored by @thetygre. I've done a number of strange monsters and strange patron requests in my 10 years. I think that turning Shakespeare's most beloved supporting character into a fey lord is certainly up there. The sponsor was inspired by his disguise as Herne the Hunter at the end of Merrie Wives of Windsor. Since Falstaff dies (off screen, which some scholars consider to be Very Important), I decided to make him another one of the "lives on after death" characters, of which Pathfinder has several. Pathfinder also canonically has several people from Earth, real and fictional in it, including Rasputin, the Romanov family, and Abdul Alhazred, so I figure one more doesn't break immersion.

Some references that might be helpful: Cockaigne is a medieval European folk utopia (think Big Rock Candy Mountain). And sack is a fortified wine, the descendant of which is sherry. Sack is so associated with Falstaff that Falstaff's picture is on the wikipedia page.

I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. If you want to chip in and help out, check out the Creature Codex Patreon here]

Fey Lord, Falstaff CR 22 CN Fey This man is old and fat, but still full of vigorous movement and a lust for life. He wears the clothes of a noble, albeit somewhat shabby, and a pair of antlers grow from his brow.

Falstaff Bombard of Sack, Gentleman Scoundrel, Lord of Misrule CN male Fey Lord Portfolio alcohol, feasts, lust, scheming Domains Charm, Chaos, Liberation, Trickery Subdomains Greed, Lust, Revelry, Whimsy Worshipers drunkards, hedonists, robbers Minions einherjar, lubberlings, satyrs, seilenoi Favored Weapon longsword Holy Symbol a drinking cup engraved with antlers Obedience spend an hour eating, drinking and telling tales. This feast cannot be paid for with money earned through honest labor—the money must instead be borrowed or stolen, or better yet, not paid for at all. Gain a +4 sacred bonus on saves vs. sickness and nausea effects. Boons 1: eagle’s splendor 2/day; 2: freedom of movement 2/day; 3: heroes’ feast 2/day

Sir John Falstaff was a rogue par excellence. A flatterer and schemer of the highest order, he lived large and even took a prince under his wing, although Prince Hal disdained his gluttonous buffoonery in private, and thwarted some of his robbery schemes openly. When the prince became king, the aging and ill Falstaff was repudiated, and Falstaff died as much from grief over his friend’s betrayal as actual illness. And then Falstaff woke up in Paradise. A land of green fields and rivers of sack, his tipple of choice. His soul had been picked from the River of Souls by Herne the Hunter, a monarch of the Wild Hunt. In his life, Falstaff had disguised himself as Herne as part of a scheme to seduce a married woman for her money, and the real Herne was greatly amused by this jest. One of Herne’s greatest allies, the Lost Prince, had aided the heist, having been moved by Falstaff’s depression and abandonment by Prince Hal. And the fey would now bestow upon Falstaff the honors he felt entitled to in life.

Falstaff now claims as his holdings Cockaigne, a land of luxury, ease, and endless food. Roasted pigs wander about with knives in their backs for easy carving, alcohol flows in streams, and even the rocks are made of candy. With his love of plots and schemes, Falstaff is rarely fully idle, and never fully sober. He commands his minions to disguise themselves, play pranks, rob travelers and most of all indulge their bodily desires. The closest thing Falstaff has to any real responsibility is to regularly provide food for the feasts of the einherjar and valkyries. Falstaff loves boasting with the einherjar, even though everyone involved knows that most of the deeds he boasts of are lies. The only time he gets grumpy or morose is when he is reminded of Prince Hal—wise supplicants steer the conversion away from matters of princes, kings and succession around Falstaff.

Falstaff’s knighthood in life did include martial training, but in his afterlife as a fey, he is far stronger and more durable than he was even in the prime of life. If Falstaff needs to protect his realm from marauding monsters or raiding adventurers, he will. If he can’t talk someone else into doing it instead. Falstaff typically provides a running commentary for his allies, riffing them to greatness with jokes and oratory. Enemies that come close to Falstaff find themselves undone with buffoonery, their plans falling apart as every small failure escalates into slapstick shenanigans. Despite his weight and apparent age, Falstaff can make precise and deadly strikes, and may swiftly eliminate an enemy with a feint and a sneak attack. When forced to fight multiple opponents himself, Falstaff summons a suit of plate mail with instant armor, then quaffs a bottle of sack to activate a transformation spell. In the First World, Falstaff benefits from that plane’s odd rules of rejuvenation, but he surrenders rather than fight to the death elsewhere. After all, he has narrowly escaped death once, and does not particularly want to lose himself for good.

- iago, obviously: he would have a pretty classic LVP/nene leakes sort of trajectory where he'd be this iconic puppetmaster for the first five or so seasons before everyone got sick of his shit and iced him out

- lady macbeth: INCREDIBLY entertaining television but only gets a few early 2000s seasons due to being a genuine liability. would never be cast in the modern era but she has some wild twitter stans still. has at least three mug shots

- falstaff: absolute backbone of the franchise, no one really rides hard for him but he throws all the best parties and everyone wants to make sure they're invited when he hosts the girl's trip. besties with puck (they secretly hate each other)

- beatrice: iconic, franchise fav, not above getting a little messy but never sticks her toe in *too* deep. has the best confessionals. stays close to iago and feeds him dirt on the other housewives behind the scenes but doesn't trust him. has a husband who is constantly trying to get camera time but everyone is sort of fine with it because he's entertaining at least unlike the other thirsty househusbands

- puck: the pot-stirrer, the bone collector, the one causing all the drama but somehow no one can ever be mad at him for too long. a sheree whitfield sort of presence

- juliet: the kind of annoying "can't we all just get along" housewife who has some kind of crisis every other week and just goes "please i can't handle all this fighting my life is already in shambles" but it's just some guy that she should have dumped three seasons ago