Love - it breaks you. Read my story :)
I fell in love. It wasn't as magical as it is shown in artistic viewpoints, but it surely had it's things. What was I looking for? I was looking for an escape - an escape from the life I was living. After every depressing episode between my parents and my family, I was looking forward to text her, to talk to her and just chat away my anxiety, my feelings. She started making me feel happy, giddy, and what not.
It soon grew, however, in a matter of a few months - I failed to acknowledge any other females around me. They just weren't anything for me! She is the best! She still is.
Here's my story of discovering Love, and breaking myself in the process.
It started on April 15. I just turned 16 on 2nd April (yes, that just really was close.) I was an introvert, and a freelancer. A weird combination if you ask me, but all I did in a day was listen to my parents' rants, see them fight, get occasionally beaten up by my father if he had taken a bottle down his throat - and apart from all of this I would freelance and save up money. I won't go into how much I made, I won't go into what I did with it (Maybe a little...) but the thing was, I never knew what love meant. In the past, I had crushes, I had girlfriends - I was fooling around with girls, holding hands, talking to them in school...but it never was something serious.
Well, the day our online school started, it was my English Period. Our teacher asked us to introduce ourselves one by one. My turn came, and being the introverted anxious guy I was, I took a very bold approach.
" Hey everyone. My name is "comfysadhoodie" and I am an introverted person, I'm trying to get over my social anxiety. Even though I'm shaking right now I'll try my best to tell you guys about myself. I am a student -" I proceeded to talk about my freelancing journey, and a little bit about my past educational and extra curricular matters. Where I live, English is not a primary language and anyone that could speak fluent english was considered a smart and educated person. Hence, I got some traction.
Many classmates messaged me, except one that slightly drew me subconciously. It was Sue, my classmate. She initiated the convo because I had a #TokyoGhoul pfp, anime watchers will relate :) we talked for the first time, and I thought to myself, she seems cool. We became friends.
Now, hey, for her, an extrovert with over 200 followers on Instagram, I was just another leaf on the tree. But for me? A person, who literally does not interact with anyone, had no friends at that time? She was my "FRIEND!"
We bonded over random topics, becoming best friends over the span of a few months. A few key events changed me, influenced by the feeling of love...and me being suicidal.
I tried to attempt suicide around July last year. It was a weird attempt, I wanted to do it but I wanted to live. I wasn't sure. It was a rushed decision. An idiotic decision. One of the biggest mistakes I have made. I jumped, due to some reason I still don't know, I hit a tree instead of the crossroad below, and instead of seeing the Sacred light, I broke my four of my ribs, my right hand's shalt bones, and the broken ribs, in the near future, lead to a condition called Pneumothorax where the sharp end of broken ribs can puncture the lungs.
I know, right? What a turn of events.
You can come at me in the comments, tell me I made the wrong decision, I already know though. It was the STUPIDEST THING TO DO!
I was administered in a good hospital, my savings (somewhat decent. Trust me, I was working my ass off for clients :P ) leading to financing my three surgeries to join the ribs through Rib Fixation (I'm a med student soon :P so I kinda researched things for knowledge). I could just think about Sue while there. My screen time was somewhat less, so all I could think was to talk to her and relax. She used to make me feel happy.
Time passed, I was somewhat healing around August.
September was a Roller Coaster for me. From 15th September, we started chatting for hours, everyday. I was happy, I could be closer to her for quite a long time. Soon, we started calling occasionally too, once a week. I loosely told her I had a crush on her in August end, I never thought she took it seriously, she even outright said so too.
Due to some changes (namely her best guy friend telling me he loves her too and me panicking that he might take her away from me) I decided to confess in all seriousness that I had fallen for her on 25th September. I remember dates quite nicely. A boon, and a bane. She replied after some time, around 4 hours. I was panicking, but she said that she needs me to focus on studying, and she sees me as her best friend, nothing else. It was an acceptable response, but still, she did not turn me down, because she would say things like, "I'm confused".
We casually dragged the topic for a few days more, from 25th September to 16th October. She decided to end it in a fabulous way. She called me, around 2 pm, after hyping this convo in the name of " I need to tell you something, it's nothing serious tho, just wanted to talk about something. " I have a duality inside me. Optimism extreme, and the other one is super pessimistic. I was thinking, maybe she will tell me how much I suck, but at the same time I was thinking she is shying to tell me she likes me 😂 I know right, suck it up, bud.
Well, the worst happened.
She calls, and says, Hey, You're a really good person, and I thought you deserve a fair chance, and that's why I was talking to you for hours for days. I was trying to analyse the situation, and even after tryingggg to feel something for you, I couldn't.
the last sentence broke me.
I mean...I was that Unlikeable that even after trying she could not like me?
Huh.
My moving on journey began.
I could not forget her, though, of course. I would text her just once, for five minutes, everyday, to check in how she was doing.
Suddenly, around 24th October, something took over me and I started to ask her what went wrong. We were chatting somewhat more, she would tell me how her mom thought of me as a nice person based on her explained description. That was an obvious joy of a news, seeing her family approving of me in a way.
Due to some school work, I was supposed to be around where she lives. We struck up a plan to meet at her house, so I could meet her mother and her sister.
I was trying to act cool, but the thought of seeing her outside school was making me tingle. It was a great meet. I wasn't much anxious during the convos, and the best part was, she seemed happy.
I went home, and the next day in school, we talked about the meetup we had. We chatted away in person, I broke the touch barrier too by putting my hands on her shoulders from the back. It was a spur of the moment thing, I didn't do it on purpose...just subconciously, it happened.
I reached home by 3 PM, and got freshed. We started chatting, and she was acting a little...different. I talked to her, told her she can be honest and tell me what's going on. At 4:20 PM (nice) she told me she has started to like me.
The duality struck again as she proceeded to tell me about her rules that we would stay in touch till we're 18, and then date each other. She even went as far as to talk how she would have "coitus" after engagement.
I was thinking, she's just telling her rules. Then I was thinking, does she like me enough to think about engagement too?
Oh, I'm going off topic. Anyways, I was happy. But in just two weeks she had begun to like me...that was weird!
What ended up happening was, we started talking, flirting on texts, it lead to us calling a lot more too...
Well, my dad is here. You know the drill. I'm sorry, I'll continue the spicy bits in part two.
I'm really sorry :) Hoping someone finds this
