comets (?)

i just find them annoying and i feel so awful about it because they're so sweet they just get on my nerves

maybe its cause im depressed bro idk

maybe i subconsciously want to be "cool" and "well perceived" (this is true) and i dont like them as much anymore because i inherently value people based on their usefulness to me. but i dunno maybe that isnt true and i just twist my perception of myself because im depressed.

yk what i also feel like an asshole about? i judge people based on their grades because the only reason i think i have worth is because my grades are good. and i feel like an asshole for saying my grades are good even though they objectively are

i have above 100 in two subjects for gods sake i know im smart and thats all everyone ever tells me but ik that other peoples value dont depend on grades. only mine (this is also a side affect of being depressed. fuck this shit bro)

but im worried that im subconsciously judging my best friend cause she gets a c average in a math subject cause i dont want to do that . cause thats mean i dont wanna be mean

i just dont even know anymore all the days are blending together

or the replacement

and the one you wont talk to outside of class

its so fun

and i just remember. panicking. because my mom was sitting right next to me and i didn't know what to say because i'd never had an essay due in two weeks before - what was i supposed to say? whose response should i say? my mom, who wanted me to say something acceptable, the doctor, who didn't give two shits about me, or me, who had idea, but assumed the answer was probably the night it was due?

but i had never had an essay due in two weeks before. i honestly didn't know.

so i just said, "a few days before?"

and the doctor said, "well thats not really procrastinating, is it?"

he asked me what i thought about that, and all i said was, "it's cool, it's like how mom has two candles. can i have my juice now?"