Hey 🙃

Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that's its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

Just want you all to see this as an example of what happens when you don’t put your phone away while on recreational drugs, you make masterpieces.

I'm straight edge

His arrival was foretold in ancient murals

Just heard from my doctor they're gonna have to put me down next week because I fucking suck

the one thing in life i am genuinely irrationally afraid of is those deer butts taxidermied to look like ape faces they scare the fuck out of me

the proper term is “assquatch” for your information

imagine being able to listen to carry on my wayward son, objectively a fucking banger of a song, without inflicting psychic damage on yourself 

menstruating in the summer should be considered a violation of human rights they should defund the police and give the money to the girlies in stem so they put an end to this

is there any humiliation greater than going out to the mailbox & there's nothing inside so now you've got to make the hero's journey back with no spoils

She’s a 7 but she 8 9

I do not like this

I love this!!!