Reine de Saba

“The worst part about being sad is that you don’t even know what makes you happy anymore.”

“Do you ever get to the point where the thoughts don’t bother you anymore? It’s like all the suicidal thoughts and the panic attacks are normal at this point. Like all these things have just become part of you and you’re no longer surprised when they come.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

“Don’t fall in love with me. There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face. Don’t fall in love with me. On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness. Don’t fall in love with me. I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M. Don’t fall in love with me. I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes. Don’t fall in love with me. I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m scared that my sadness is contagious. Don’t fall in love with me. I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay. Don’t fall in love with me. You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for. Don’t fall in love with me. Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now. Don’t fall in love with me. Because I will fall in love with you.”

I've spent hours obsessing over why I'm not good enough. Hours lost, standing in front of the mirror, studying my face and wondering if it's because I'm not pretty enough. Reading back old conversations and wondering if I'm annoying, too needy, too much. Will anyone ever stick around? I try so hard, but I'm just never worth it in the end.

I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there's an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I'm just dying to say, “Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?" or "Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?" But you can't say that at a cocktail party.

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it.

"Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You're doing just fine."

The saddest kind of sad is, when your tears can't even drop anymore and you feel nothing. It's like the world has just ended. You don't cry. You don't hear. You don't see. You stay. For a second the heart dies.