reaper man.

Hell in a Gift Basket || Jasmine & Michael

I’m sure there are plenty more! I bet my professor the English Professor at school knows lots of good authors. Oh, that’s fair, to each their own, right? Oh, that sounds really neat! I’ll have to look him up, thanks! Wow, that’s crazy! Guess I’ll have to look him up, too. 

EMT, wow! That’s a crazy job, no wonder you said you’re too busy for reading. That’s a really noble job, too. I get a little squeamish around blood, so I could never do something like that. Oh, I’m a student right now! Going to Law school. I intern at my parents’ firm.

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Maybe you’d surprise yourself. Not that it matters, I guess. Sounds like you’re already got life sorted - law school is a pretty big deal from where I’m standing. Your parents must be proud you’re following in their footsteps. I know if I were in their position, I’d be making my kid’s life hell with the praises I’d be singing from the rooftops. In fact, they’d probably disown me.

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Wait are you like actually in tune with magical shit? I thought you were the typical shocked normie who moves here and is baffled. 

Is any town really regular when you think about it? But I get your point, what’s the fun of having magical ancestry if it’s all just one big farce. You sound like you might be speaking from experience there. Been burned by a little too much magic before? 

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Well, I just finished up a six-year stint in Sedona - AKA, the White Crest of the Four Corners states. The crystal worshippers literally almost burnt the town square down with their idol to the Sun God as they called it. One of them, a young guy, even ended up with third degree burns that I had to treat. Not pretty. If anything like that goes down here, think I’m just gonna have to call it quits. What’s your opinion, you think they’re a little bit smarter here?

You’re actually right about that unreasonable  Are you sure you’ve never  Eh, let ‘em try. I’ve taken on bigger, grosser men and lived to tell the tale. But if that day comes and I do disappear, feel free to use me for the clout. 

That so? Hope you’ve got a good death plan then. And, hey, if not–now you know who your friendly local funeral director is. Depends how weird your brand of weird is though. Maybe if you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine?

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I mean, that’d be true, but trouble is I don’t yet. So what is the name of my friendly local funeral director so I know when my time - not soon, hopefully (though it depends who you ask) - comes? Sure, I’ll tell you. My brand of weird is too weird, and you’re not gonna believe me. So, y’know, now that I’ve told you that much, feel free to share yours with the circle. Nothing leaves this public chat post, I promise.

You’re an EMT and you don’t know? No. It’s murder, my friend. Occasionally, slip and fall. But mostly murder. Although, the “official” story is different. Really? What a weird middle name. 

You probably feel like you’re being propositioned because you are ;) Yeah? You don’t want to EMT together, love? Not even a little bit? It’s always better with company. 

Hm, wives notoriously like me. Is she also an EMT?

Why? Is it a gang thing? Mafia’s bought out the local PD or something? I’ve been seeing a strange amount of animal attacks, but can’t say I’ve attended anything that looks like murder yet. And trust me, I’ve seen my fair share of jilted lover and unfriendly disagreement aftermaths in my time.

So I’m told. Knowing what I know now, I don’t know how that’s never Fortunately, that’s never happened. The day it does is the day I hang up my suit and move to another part of the world. There, I’ll write a book about it and hopefully get some cushy profits from the inevitable true-crime/horror documentary that follows. 

Honestly, I’d probably think twice about that one. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? I feel like the weirdness is something you have to experience to believe it. Shitty answer, I know but it’s probably the only way you’d believe it. Just–be careful what you ask for. 

Well, if it ever comes to it that I hear the town funeral director has suddenly disappeared, I’ll be keeping an eye on my Netflix recommendations. Just watch out that Bill Death and Co don’t come knocking to muscle in on those royalties, though. The dead don’t strike me as the, uh, 'reasonable’ type.

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Uh great question! That I wish I had a better answer too. Short answer is… not really. My parents were never big on travelling. We’ve gone camping out of town a few times but I’ve never left Maine before.

And now I’m in college and busy so I don’t exactly have the time or funds to leave now. So I’m sorta just…. here.

Jesus, really? Tell your parents they could’ve done a better job. If you die tomorrow and all you’ve ever seen is Maine, then there wasn’t much point in even being born in the first place.

You’re not wrong about there always being open positions. White Crest is like a goddamn revolving door, and I’ve only been here a couple months. Cost of living’s pretty cheap if you buy right, and even if you don’t, rent is practically dirt, but the apartments are still nice. 

Things catching up to you back West? Shit, I can relate to that. I’m not asking for a life story yes I am but.. The hell happened that was so terrible it drove you to White Crest, of literally all places.

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Don’t read too much into it, you’ll strain your eyes. It’s just... complicated. Like I said. Too many moving parts, too much context. Besides, I like to maintain my status as a Man of Mystery. Makes me feel good about myself.

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Damn, you got screwed over by Mississippi too? You hate to see it. I went there once and that was only in passing. But I did, yeah. I got lucky. You some kinda traveler then?

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Everyone in Mississippi gets screwed over by Mississippi, that’s just the way it is. Traveller? Nah. Twenty years ago maybe, but now I’m just some guy who apparently likes to move around and upend everyone’s lives a lot. Everywhere agrees with me up until it doesn’t, I guess.

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At least we can relate in that regard. Though there is some weird ass shit that happens in this town, but…

Oh, a serial philanderer, I see. I could probably relate to him – except I’m not much of a philanderer as much as the local flirt. But I like to think I give most straight and bi men in this town some sort of competition. 

So, tell me. What the hell drove you to this landfill place?

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Gotcha. Guess someone’s gotta keep them on their toes. I’ll count myself lucky that I’m already out of that game.

Two magic shops are probably the most normal thing about this town….

I was born and raised here so I guess my opinion is a bit skewed but uh…. are magic shops not normal in other towns?

There seems to be a big interest in the occult and stuff like that here…. is that not a thing other places?

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What, you never leave the place? I wouldn’t say it’s too difficult to gauge.

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Welcome? Probably more than that. Not actually as familiar with the town as I should be. You gotta roll with it, I guess. Might like this place if you keep your mind open.

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Already confirmed there are, at least according to other sources. Trust me, I intend to. White Crest is going to have to try pretty damn hard if it wants to get under my skin. Doubt it’ll succeed no matter what it throws my way.

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Oh man… you’re gonna have one hell of an interesting time in this town.

If that surprises you then word of advice… don’t go venturing to Salem, Mass. They’ve got a bit more than two. But, hey, what’s wrong with a little magic in an persons life, right?

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Salem's expected at least. In fact, I’d be disappointed if it were just a regular old town after its multi-century publicity campaign. Touché. But any more than a little, then I’d start being afraid the people playing with fire might end up burning the house down.

No, I’ve never heard of it. I don’t get out much, though. I mean, I’m outdoors a lot. But I don’t get “into town” very frequently anymore. I doubt this will make you feel much better about the situation, but for what it’s worth, a sex shop is likely one of the safest surprises you and your daughters will could encounter in this town. Keep them away from that indoor playground, Mime E. Cheese. 9 and 17 year olds enjoy climbing, skeeball, and animatronic mimes, right?

I’m from Augusta, a few hours away. Work brought me here. I was a– I’m a forensic pathologist. Fitting for a town with so many deaths. Sedona? Arizona? Did you buy a house already? It’s not too late to sell it. For some reason, it always seems to be a seller’s market here.

Mime E. Cheese? Are you messing with me? Mime E. Cheese? No. Oh no. That one sounds like it’s gonna be a hard pass from me. Actually, wait a sec. Did someone... explode there, by any chance? Or is another guy I was talking to just having me on?

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Sounds about right. I’ve been here less than a year myself and people are still giving me warnings like that so I’m pretty sure I still give off too much of a newbie vibe to be offering advice myself.

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Well, I assume you’ve made it this far without a sticky end. Something for me to aspire to when I reach my own White Crest one year anniversary. But who knows? Maybe if I’m not so lucky, I’ll stick around just for the kicks.

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Far from it – hence the Harry Potter joke. No offense if you do, though. There’s just not enough proof in the pudding. Show me a spell that actually works, then maybe we’ll talk. 

You’re Canadian? Wait, where’s the denim on denim? And aren’t you all supposed to come accompanied by a mountie? 

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Hey, I’m on your side. All I’ve got up my sleeve is what I learnt in 9th grade from a Magic for Dummies precursor.

Every place has its quirks. This place? Definitely spooky, woo-woo vibes. Have you seen the number of cemeteries here? Not that I wouldn’t mind actually having an L.L. Bean nearby instead of driving a few towns over for a mall. But uh, if the magic shops aren’t your thing, you might want to call your U-Haul to come back. Also, don’t let anyone throw actual bones at you. Or throw actual bones yourself. Apparently there’s critters that like them too much

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Cemeteries? What, you’re gonna break the news there’s more than one of those too? Think it’s a little late for the U-Haul. Guess all there is now is that I’ve just got to be a man and lie in the bed I’ve made. And, uh, thanks. I’ll keep that one in mind.