moved

[ TEXT ] I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs

[ TEXT ] This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left…bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬

[ TEXT ] I bet your mom’s never met a girl who’s thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.

[ TEXT ] Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry’s mind

[ TEXT ] You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn’t have predicted the housing crisis.

[ TEXT ] I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well

[ TEXT ] I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.

[ TEXT ] I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.

[ TEXT ] Don’t tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.

[ TEXT ] Don’t take a pillow from my bed. You don’t know which ones of them my vagina has been on

[ TEXT ] I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that’s not awesome customer service, I don’t know what is.

[ TEXT ] my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it’s literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.

[ TEXT ] that’s what I’m here for. I’m literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.

[ TEXT ] sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.

[ TEXT ] All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.

[ TEXT ] Dude I turned down free booze. I think I’m growing as a person.

[ TEXT ] Can’t tell if it’s the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.

[ TEXT ] I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.

[ TEXT ] it was a hallmark card with butt plugs

[ TEXT ] Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It’ll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.

[ TEXT ] It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.

[ TEXT ] His ex told me that she wanted me to “take care of” him but from the way she said it I couldn’t tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.

[ TEXT ] If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.

[ TEXT ] UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING

[ TEXT ] We’re lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we’re okay. I think they all understand.

[ TEXT ] Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you’ve dug for yourself. asking for a friend

[ TEXT ] i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering “why” in various inflections.

[ TEXT ] Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.

[ TEXT ] Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.

[ TEXT ] I couldn’t find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.

[ TEXT ] Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I’ve never met before.

[ TEXT ] Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me

[ TEXT ] how do i act around someone who’s shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?

[ TEXT ] he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack

[ TEXT ] I never imagine I’d say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?

[ TEXT ] Why can’t they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I’m meant to be?

[ TEXT ] There’s nothing like when u really click with a stripper

[ TEXT ] Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.

[ TEXT ] I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?

[ TEXT ] Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?

[ TEXT ] He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.

[ TEXT ] That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old

[ TEXT ] You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him “shouldn’t you be yelling at dragons”

She is fresh apple cobbler made the real way and topped with homemade vanilla ice cream that coats your tongue in heaven. She’s clothes drying in the hot southern summer air, an occasional breeze of relief passing by, making faded linen and cotton flutter like that American flag on the back of every good ol’ boy’s truck. She’s hats taken off the second you walk into a building, especially in the presence of a woman. Thank ya ma'am and no sir, darlin’ and bless yer soul. Old men playin’ their acoustic guitars worn out just as much as them around bonfires the whole town goes to. Everyone knows everyone and at least three generations back, really. Travis is in jail again for god knows what and y'all know Chrissy ain’t bailin’ his sorry ass out this time. Mason jars as glasses and everyone is so damn tired of the rest of the country stealing that and making it a fad. But they laugh at people who pay 50 bucks for a four jar set from some place in New York City.

                                    “Bless your heart, Darlin’.”