i wanna be your dog

“One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass.” “It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again.” “Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.” “The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.“ “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn for SEGA.“ “Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?” “There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.“ “I can’t express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand!“ “Today’s my day. I brought lunch and a soda, and I’m not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone talks about.“ “He won the school science fair by turning his mom’s vibrator into a CD player. Motherfucker’s like MacGyver. Motherfucker’s better than MacGyver.“ “Lois could never have Superman’s baby. You think her Fallopian tubes could handle the sperm?“ “The food court is downstairs. We’re upstairs. This isn’t quantum physics. This is an eatery. Eateries make up the food court.“ “Bullshit. Eateries in the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous  unit for mid-mall snacking.“ “ Man, there’s not a year goes by that I don’t read about an escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could have been avoided had some parent - I don’t care which one - conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!“ “Be fair, all right. Everyone wants Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.“ “Fly, fat-ass! Fly!“ “My grandmother always said, ‘Why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?’” “Damn, that bastard’s faster than Walt Flanagan’s dog.“ “I can’t believe you have the nerve to come to my mall and pick up guys!“ “Where does the other arm go? You can lay on it or shove it between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of the socket when I sleep like that. I was always searching for someplace to keep my arm - while still laying close to her.“ “Jesus, man! Haven’t I made it clear during our friendship that I don’t know shit?“ “Your maleness amazes me sometimes.“ “Suitor No.1. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?“ “My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story.“ “Well, did he come or what?“

         “They get followed by the mob boss, he kills one of them and the other has to go back to the States ‘cos he hasn’t got any money left. I think he vows revenge, but I can’t remember.”

“Seriously?” A puff of laughter, and smoke escaped his lips—he wasn’t impressed, because the only thing that’s crossed his mind was- “What amateurs. Look, if you ever get followed by a mob boss, don’t go to Mexico.”

[ sms ] people to see, as well? i guess i had best come along then, to see to it that you don’t end up on your arse.

"Of course not. Not at all. No worries, love.”

"Ah, thats what you’re calling it. Right, then, alright." Attention flickered briefly to the cigarette before he answered. "Five nine, actually. Thanks, though. I’m a self employed investor, but dabble in law investigation from time to time." It wasn’t a lie. Close enough.

"In a perfect world, that's what it'd be. Not... Whatever it kind of turned into. Sorry about that. Again." Don't suck up, Moran. "Law investigation? That's not usually something you get to just dabble in, is it? Hell of a side job." Not that he had a hell of a lot to brag about in either department. Don't throw stones and all that, right?

"Of course not. Not at all. No worries, love.”

"So, bouncing off of that.. riveting subject." What did people talk about on blind dates? Why was he even on a blind date? No clue. 

"Not big on anecdotes, then?" A pull on the cigarette, what the hell was he meant to say now? "So. You're... what? barely five and a half feet?" No, Moran, he was definitely taller than that. Hard to tell when the guy's sitting down, though. "What do you do? For work, I mean. And hobbies, I guess, if you've got any." 

"Of course not. Not at all. No worries, love.”

"No? And here I was worried. Wouldn't have pegged you as the understanding type, actually." Just brush it off. You're not nervous—why would you be nervous?

"This one’s yours boss."