cocø⋆

you had broke up months ago, but you still felt the absence that hurt in your chest.

there wasn't a day that went by that you didn't think about him. sometimes you'd text him without realizing it, but you'd delete the message before sending it and stay as far away from your phone as possible. you no longer woke up in his arms in the mornings; he wasn't there to melt you with his warm eyes, breakfast in bed was no longer a regular occurrence, and sometimes you'd wake up in the middle of the night with an urgent need to call him and sort things out.

the fight you had had been intense, and both of you said horrible things to each other that you didn't mean, but the anger of the moment made you say them.

his presence still caused reactions in you.

even from across the room, he could make your hands tremble and send a tingle down your spine.

You looked away, refusing to continue torturing yourself in that way.

you tried to observe other things: the tables full of soft drinks of all colors and flavors, the dim lights and some colored ones, the laughter, the footsteps; you even focused on your breathing.

the group of friends you were with didn't seem to notice your silence. one of them moved slightly, blocking logan from your view.

you should've felt relieved, but you immediately took a small step to the side.

the uncertainty was killing you. you knew you missed him. a lot. but you didn't know if he felt the same way.

to clear your mind a little, you went to the kitchen to make yourself another drink. it clearly didn't work at all because you kept thinking things like: "in a room full of people, you were looking for him, would he avoid you or would he look for you too?"

someone else entered the almost empty kitchen, if not for you.

"vodka with sprite?" asked a guy you didn't know.

you nodded and raised your glass vaguely.

"my favorite," you said.

"i was expecting something more interesting." he said, leaning against the counter.

you raised an eyebrow.

"and what would be interesting?"

"i don't know, something that makes me think 'wow this girl is a mystery'".

"and how do you know she's not a mystery?"

logan said as he entered the kitchen.

you did everything you could to avoid looking at him.

"i don't think anyone called you, john".

you were the only one who called him by his name.

"relax, i just came for a drink". he said as he put his glass on the counter. "pretend i'm not here".

"and who are you?" the boy asked.

"nobody important," logan excused himself.

if only he knew how important he is to you.

he was. he is. you don't really know.

suddenly, the kitchen felt much smaller.

despite logan saying you had to ignore him, he spoke again.

"because to say someone isn’t a mystery," he continued, "you’d have to know them pretty well."

"some people are easy to read."

"not her."

the reply came too fast and too firmly. and for a second there was silence. because the guy understood something. and so did you. your ex still knew you too well. maybe better than anyone.

"well," the guy finally said, "looks like someone already did the research before i did."

"you could say that."

you felt your heart pound against your ribs. because logan's gaze never left yours. not for a second. as if the conversation had never been about mysteries. as if he’d walked into that kitchen for one reason only. and that reason were you.

"you had no right to do that," you said as the boy left the kitchen.

"do what?"

you wanted to wipe that poorly hidden smile off his face with a punch.

or maybe a kiss.

"don't play dumb with me, you scared the guy away, why?"

"his flirting attempts were weak, is that what you look for in a man?"

"it shouldn't matter what i'm looking for or not, john, so leave me alone."

for several minutes afterward, you wondered what logan meant while he was talking to that guy.

"not her."

"you could say that."

"earth calling," your friend gestured in front of your face, pulling you from your thoughts. "did you hear what i said?"

"sorry, i was in another world, what did you say?"

"will you come with me to the bathroom? so many drinks need to be thrown away."

"right.".

you and your friend passed through the crowd until you reached the stairs.

the party was starting to feel too loud. too many people. too many conversations.

too many chances of running into him again.

bad luck.

because when you looked up, he was there. coming down the stairs. straight toward you.

your heart stopped for a second. and then it started beating too fast. there was enough room to pass. but neither of you moved right away.

logan saw you. you saw him.

and suddenly, the rest of the party disappeared. there were only the two of you.

you swallowed.

logan had one hand resting on the banister. the same relaxed posture as always. the same one that still managed to make you nervous even now. after all this time.

"sorry," you finally murmured.

it took him a second to react. as if he'd forgotten how to move too. then he stepped aside.

you started going up and he started going down. when you were at the same height, neither of you looked at the other. or at least you tried not to. because you recognized his perfume instantly. and you hated that it still smelled so familiar. and logan caught a glimpse of the small necklace resting around your neck. the same one he had given to you a few years ago. the one you had promised never to take off. the one you were apparently still wearing.

neither of you said anything. neither of you stopped. but when you reached opposite ends of the staircase, you both looked back at the same time. only to discover that the other was already looking. and immediately look away. like two complete idiots.

you continued climbing.

logan continued descending.

"okay, now, that was weird,” your friends said when she reached the top of the stairs.

“what?”

“that whole 'i'm your ex but i still love you' situation?”

“you're talking nonsense.”

“i felt the tension between you two and it gave me goosebumps.”

“you can't feel tension when there isn't any.”

“i could've cut it with scissors, it was so tense.”

“shut up and go to the bathroom before i decide to leave you alone.”

the third time you saw each other that night was the worst.

you had just come back from upstairs when you found logan by the beer pong table. there were people everywhere. the music was too loud, so the girl next to logan had to hang onto his shoulder to reach his ear and say something. the air around you felt heavier. you felt overwhelmed, as if you had been there for hours.

for a moment, you were aware of everything: the pain in your feet, the air you were holding in your lungs that was starting to burn you from the inside out.

he was there.

with a blonde girl.

pretty.

perfect smile.

long eyelashes.

you didn't know what the girl was saying. you didn't know if she was flirting with him, but from the mischievous look on her face, you could tell.

it didn't matter anyway because jealousy is rarely rational.

you felt an unpleasant pressure in your chest before you even realized what was happening. the girl tightened her grip on logan's arm as she laughed. and that was enough.

you looked away immediately. ridiculous. it was over, and he could do whatever he wanted. be with whomever he wanted. and you couldn't interfere. you had no right over him. just like you'd told him earlier in the kitchen. and yet there you were. your stomach churning. hurt. annoyed. months of acceptance thrown away.

you let out a breath and reached for your glass.

empty. perfect.

you turned on your heel and walked toward the back door of the house. you needed fresh air, any excuse to get out of there before you did something you'd regret. you pushed open the door and stepped out onto the garden.

the change in temperature hit you immediately. the air was cool and damp. gray clouds and rain hung in the night sky, each drop falling like needles over you.

you didn't care in the slightest.

"you always do the same thing."

of course he followed you.

slowly, you turned around. rain dampened his dark hair, and his hands were shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

“do what?”

“you disappear whenever something bothers you”

a disbelieving laugh escaped from you.

“are you serious right now?” you asked. “you think you know everything, don’t you?”

a muscle moved in his jaw.

“no."

“could’ve fooled me”.

he looked down briefly before meeting your gaze again.

“no. i just know you”

the words landed harder than they should have and you hated that.

because they caused a reaction in you.

“and i know that you love the rain and to feel it on your skin”. he slowly continued. “but i know that if you don’t follow me inside and let me take you to your house you’ll catch a cold”

part of you wanted to argue.

and another part knew he was right.

your throat tightened so you looked away.

“i can’t believe you, really”. you said as you shook your head and looked at him once more.

“what did i do know?”

“you show up after months, spend the whole night avoiding me, despite the part were you scared the shit out of that guy who was talking to me, because who knows what, you follow me outside and then act like nothing happened”.

his expression faded.

“i never act like nothing happened”.

“oh, really?” you said bitterly.

“no."

and for the first time all night, he wasn’t hiding behind sarcasm or teasing remarks.

he just looked tired. just as tired as you. because neither of you wanted to be without the other. logan wanted to stop pretending, and so did you.

“you hurt me,” you admitted quietly.

the words were almost swallowed by the rain.

his shoulders dropped slightly.

“i know,” he nodded.

“and I'm aware that i hurted you too. and i didn’t mean anything i said”

in that moment you broke, the tears you didn’t know you were holding started to run over your face.

you closed your eyes.

the cold disappeared when two warm arms wrapped around your body.

logan was there. as always.

“i’m sorry, love” he said. his chin on your head. “i’m so fucking sorry that it took me so long to realize how wrong i was”

“i was trying so hard to get over you," you whispered. face hidden on his chest.

"i know," said logan, and smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. 

"what do you mean?" you said after lifting your head and looking him straight in the eyes. his gaze was soft and made you forget the cold from being soaked by the rain. 

"because i was trying to do the same." 

you fell silent. 

until neither of them could contain their laughter and burst out. 

"this is so ridiculous," you said with a grin from ear to ear. 

logan pulled you closer to his body, if that was even possible, and with one hand tucked the strands of hair behind your ear. 

"seeing you with that guy awakened something i thought was dead inside me. although deep down i knew it was a lie. because i never stopped loving you, and i truly regret the things we said that day. i was blind by the fury of the moment, and i acted rashly as soon as the words left my mouth, but i was a coward, and i let you go. and i don't intend to do that again. not after today. not after not being able to take my eyes off you all night and knowing what i let slip away".

you didn't know what to say because he had already said it all. and it filled you with joy to know that the feelings were mutual.

"i missed you," he continued, and his gaze drifted down to your lips before returning to your eyes. "these last few months felt like torture." 

"it didn't seem like torture when you were talking to that blonde girl," you raised your eyebrows. 

"well, you don't have anything to worry about because that 'blonde girl' is dean's cousin and she's a lesbian." 

you opened your mouth but closed it immediately. 

"oh." 

"sure, 'oh', is that all?" 

he smiled. 

"so i can be with her?" 

just as the smile reached his eyes, it immediately faded, and you burst out laughing again.

“i'm just joking, silly.”

“you better be.”

“oh, really? and why is that?”

"because now that i have you back, i'm not going to let you go.”

"and now that you have me, i can say with certainty that i love you".

logan leaned in slightly toward you. one of his hands on your waist and the other on the side of your jaw. his fingers touched you delicately, as if you were the most fragile glass in the world. you closed your eyes and let yourself go when his lips finally met yours after so long. you both recognized each other immediately. his lips warm, yours cold but soft. fireworks exploded inside both of you, the joy of being with each other enveloped you.

you separated and he rested his forehead on yours. both with your eyes still closed.

"you better never let me go, john logan."

"i hadn't planned to do it."

⊹ ࣪ ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖.✦ ݁˖⊹ ࣪ ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖.✦ ݁˖⊹ ࣪ ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖⊹ ࣪ ˖.✦ ݁˖

i have a love-hate relationship with this. i don't know if i really like it, but the more i write, the more i improve.

read u soon!

he had been your support since you met when you saved the world of vecna.

but you didn't want to stay in hawkins. you didn't want to be just another small, unnoticed detail in the town's history.

so you weren't going to say goodbye to anyone. you were just going to disappear like dust in the wind.

you packed a small backpack with clothes and food and put some blankets in your car. you didn't know where you were going, but you didn't have to know, just feel it.

you spent the night at eddie's house, as a last memory of him before leaving.

eddie had noticed you were acting strange throughout dinner, but he didn't say anything; he knew that sometimes you wanted your space.

but while they were both lying in his bed, his head on his bare chest, skin to skin, he couldn't help but ask

"i can hear the gears in your head turning, what's wrong?"

you looked at the guitar hanging on his wall and exhaled.

"do you regret it?". you asked.

"you'll have to be more specific, love".

"i mean, you wanted to be a guitarist in a band... do you regret not following your dream?"

the silence lingered in the air, until his chest rose and you heard:

"sometimes i dwell on 'what if...' but i prefer to stay in the present and not in the future, that's how life passes us by".

his words were etched in your mind.

you repeated them as you got out of his bed in the morning, trying to make as little noise as possible to not wake him up.

you thought about them as you got into your car, and even more so when you saw the "come back soon" sign as you left hawkins.

no farewell letters, no phone calls, no visit to any of your friends.

eddie didn't take long to wake up after you left. maybe because of the cold emanating from your side of the bed, the feeling of your absence.

he looked for you, first in the bathroom, thinking you were there, then all over the trailer park, not caring that it was 7 a.m. and the cold was chilling him to the bone.

he called at your house but there was no answer.

the hours passed. the others joined the search: robin, steve, jonathan, nancy, and the children.

there was no trace of you.

they went to your home, everything tidy as always, your scent still present but not your essence. eddie noticed that some things were missing like your favorite blanket that your grandmother had knitted, food from the kitchen, and shower products.

and then he understood.

you had planned that.

it had been your decision.

he connected the dots and understood your behavior yesterday, the question you had asked him.

if only he had done things differently. paid more attention.

you were listening to the radio, the volume low like a faint sound amidst the noise of your mind. until you heard something that made you gasp. you turned up the volume on the radio.

"hey guys, this is rockin' robin"

the voice of a very good friend of yours brought a smile to your face.

"today we have a very special guest who would like to say a few words."

"hello everyone"

that voice froze you.

because you weren't ready to hear it yet.

"today is not a very good day for me, but my friend robin is doing me a favor by letting me participate in this."

you pressed your lips together when you realized you were the cause of the noticeable pain in his voice.

"i know you're listening to this because you spend all day with the radio on, so i don't see any other way to tell you what i think."

you were so afraid of the words that might come out of his mouth. you were afraid he would blame you.

"i do regret not being a guitarist. sometimes i imagine myself singing and playing those same songs we sang together, on a stage, with people shouting and clapping. but i know that if i had that life, i wouldn't have met you, and that's why i wouldn't change it for anything. but i need you not to come back. i need you to never regret anything, to try and not be afraid to try. because if you made the decision to leave, it was because you followed your heart, and there's nothing purer than that."

you didn't make a sound while he was talking. you didn't know what to do.

"don't blame yourself for your dreams"

he knew you so well that you wanted to cry.

"take care and follow the path that makes you feel best"

and so, without a formal goodbye, without hugs, but with feeling, he told you that he loved you without saying it.

they never heard from you again. you never called or gave any sign that you wanted to. when the group was together, they'd come up with theories about where you could be, laugh at dustin's ideas, and enjoy will's drawings of your adventures.

you disappeared one day and for months after. but all the goodbyes can become a see you later.

"this can't be happening, guys, look at this!" robin shouted in the livingroom.

as they had always met at steve's house, a tradition since the group was formed.

in robin's hands was a letter with many postcards on it and your strange way of writing your name on the front.

eddie hurried to robin's side and soon everyone surrounded her.

she opened the letter with trembling hands, read the letter inside, and everyone fell silent, listening through robin's voice to your life since you left.

you recounted the good days and the bad ones when you longed to return to them. but you explained that you couldn't go back to that city, and they understood.

one phrase that had stuck in everyone's mind was "i felt too young to make this decision, but too old to continue living something that didn't completed me."

the letter didn't have a specific address. you didn't want them to find you or send a reply.

they were relieved, some with tears in their eyes.

and eddie? he was happy as long as you were.

────୨ৎ────

i writed this while i listened to cico buff from cocteau twins again and again.

hoped you liked it

xoxo