#cico buff

he had been your support since you met when you saved the world of vecna.

but you didn't want to stay in hawkins. you didn't want to be just another small, unnoticed detail in the town's history.

so you weren't going to say goodbye to anyone. you were just going to disappear like dust in the wind.

you packed a small backpack with clothes and food and put some blankets in your car. you didn't know where you were going, but you didn't have to know, just feel it.

you spent the night at eddie's house, as a last memory of him before leaving.

eddie had noticed you were acting strange throughout dinner, but he didn't say anything; he knew that sometimes you wanted your space.

but while they were both lying in his bed, his head on his bare chest, skin to skin, he couldn't help but ask

"i can hear the gears in your head turning, what's wrong?"

you looked at the guitar hanging on his wall and exhaled.

"do you regret it?". you asked.

"you'll have to be more specific, love".

"i mean, you wanted to be a guitarist in a band... do you regret not following your dream?"

the silence lingered in the air, until his chest rose and you heard:

"sometimes i dwell on 'what if...' but i prefer to stay in the present and not in the future, that's how life passes us by".

his words were etched in your mind.

you repeated them as you got out of his bed in the morning, trying to make as little noise as possible to not wake him up.

you thought about them as you got into your car, and even more so when you saw the "come back soon" sign as you left hawkins.

no farewell letters, no phone calls, no visit to any of your friends.

eddie didn't take long to wake up after you left. maybe because of the cold emanating from your side of the bed, the feeling of your absence.

he looked for you, first in the bathroom, thinking you were there, then all over the trailer park, not caring that it was 7 a.m. and the cold was chilling him to the bone.

he called at your house but there was no answer.

the hours passed. the others joined the search: robin, steve, jonathan, nancy, and the children.

there was no trace of you.

they went to your home, everything tidy as always, your scent still present but not your essence. eddie noticed that some things were missing like your favorite blanket that your grandmother had knitted, food from the kitchen, and shower products.

and then he understood.

you had planned that.

it had been your decision.

he connected the dots and understood your behavior yesterday, the question you had asked him.

if only he had done things differently. paid more attention.

you were listening to the radio, the volume low like a faint sound amidst the noise of your mind. until you heard something that made you gasp. you turned up the volume on the radio.

"hey guys, this is rockin' robin"

the voice of a very good friend of yours brought a smile to your face.

"today we have a very special guest who would like to say a few words."

"hello everyone"

that voice froze you.

because you weren't ready to hear it yet.

"today is not a very good day for me, but my friend robin is doing me a favor by letting me participate in this."

you pressed your lips together when you realized you were the cause of the noticeable pain in his voice.

"i know you're listening to this because you spend all day with the radio on, so i don't see any other way to tell you what i think."

you were so afraid of the words that might come out of his mouth. you were afraid he would blame you.

"i do regret not being a guitarist. sometimes i imagine myself singing and playing those same songs we sang together, on a stage, with people shouting and clapping. but i know that if i had that life, i wouldn't have met you, and that's why i wouldn't change it for anything. but i need you not to come back. i need you to never regret anything, to try and not be afraid to try. because if you made the decision to leave, it was because you followed your heart, and there's nothing purer than that."

you didn't make a sound while he was talking. you didn't know what to do.

"don't blame yourself for your dreams"

he knew you so well that you wanted to cry.

"take care and follow the path that makes you feel best"

and so, without a formal goodbye, without hugs, but with feeling, he told you that he loved you without saying it.

they never heard from you again. you never called or gave any sign that you wanted to. when the group was together, they'd come up with theories about where you could be, laugh at dustin's ideas, and enjoy will's drawings of your adventures.

you disappeared one day and for months after. but all the goodbyes can become a see you later.

"this can't be happening, guys, look at this!" robin shouted in the livingroom.

as they had always met at steve's house, a tradition since the group was formed.

in robin's hands was a letter with many postcards on it and your strange way of writing your name on the front.

eddie hurried to robin's side and soon everyone surrounded her.

she opened the letter with trembling hands, read the letter inside, and everyone fell silent, listening through robin's voice to your life since you left.

you recounted the good days and the bad ones when you longed to return to them. but you explained that you couldn't go back to that city, and they understood.

one phrase that had stuck in everyone's mind was "i felt too young to make this decision, but too old to continue living something that didn't completed me."

the letter didn't have a specific address. you didn't want them to find you or send a reply.

they were relieved, some with tears in their eyes.

and eddie? he was happy as long as you were.

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i writed this while i listened to cico buff from cocteau twins again and again.

hoped you liked it

xoxo