the cobblestone contingent

“I had decided to kiss the guy who later raped me because my boyfriend and I were no longer entirely together, and we both knew that our uncommitted status had allowed my encounter to happen.”

AHHHHHH. so. i have been there. putting myself into a questionable situation with a man who later hurt me, all because i was upset over a different guy who did not see me in the ways that i needed to be seen. in fact, the narrative she shares is almost verbatim the story of the first time i was sexually assaulted. this has happened to me many times.

but i hope she eventually comes to the realization that the guy who raped her is the one responsible for raping her. the only one. i hope she stops blaming her then-boyfriend for not committing, and herself (which is implicitly there in this whole painful piece) for being reckless enough to put herself in the situation to begin with. neither of those are the sort of beautiful and noble things we like to picture when we look back on ourselves and our lives. but neither is tantamount to rape, nor did they cause it.

as i find myself at what finally feels like the beginning of unspooling a decade of romantic history largely characterized by humiliation, hurt, rejection, and a lot of nonconsensual encounters: the most radical realization i am having is that what came before does not solely dictate what will come after.

after many years of mistreatment and disrespect, it is still possible to learn (not only in the head, but in the body and the heart) that you are worthy of respect. it is astonishing, and i remain amazed by the fact that even years (thirty, to be precise) into a tightly held pattern: everything can change.