“till the end of the line”

Part 1/3 – Left Behind

Pairing: Winter Solider! Bucky Barnes x Shadow Solider! Reader

Summary: One of Bucky’s actions that leads to a series of questions and confusion that accompanies a dangerous downward plunge for both the Winter Solider and You, his supposedly emotionless shadow.

Word Count: 4.3k

Warnings: Blood and Needles, Pure Angst, Brainwashed Bucky and Reader, implied torture, language

     Using a water bottle to rinse out the large gash on his side causing a mixture of blood and water to run down his side and seep into the bedding beneath him. With the gash flushed of dirt and cleaned of dried and clumped up blood you discover that it’s not as deep as you feared. The fear poisoning your mind are snowflakes in the desert,  it’s a sharp twist in your stomach that baffles you. All it took was seeing the knife buried to the hilt into Winter’s side.

     Why now? Why this time? You’ve see him hurt before this shouldn’t bother you plain and simple. Especially since while the cut it deep it’s not deep enough to kill someone like him. It do anything more than hinder his movement for a short while and require stitches while both of you are on standby for further orders. And you’ve seen much worse than this. During your service you’ve inflected worse than this. Yet seeing him hurt this time is different with one heavy factor looming above it all.

     “Why did you take the hit?” You sponge up the water extra water that pooled on his stomach and some flowing blood with a small dry towel. That you switch out for another one that you wet with disinfection that you use to clean him with. It’s an extra measure that you take despite that fact that you could go ahead and stitch it up without an infection being a problem for the Winter Solider. Either one of you would be fine with less than subpar care to a wound like this with the serum running through your veins. Even with this fact glaring you in the face you can’t stop yourself from fussing over him.

     All of this happened because you didn’t listen. When you saw the slim chance to take out the targets right then and there before they could make a deal that Winter and You would have to take months unraveling you took it. Going against your orders from him and forcing him to take action in the messy events that transpired.  With the only saving gracing being that both of you did in fact end up killing the group and shortened the mission. For all of this even in the fact of the success he should be lecturing you in that deadly calm voice of his that turns the blood in your veins to ice. But he’s been quiet with gears in his head churning the way yours are. Due to one glaring fact: he saved you.

     In some parts of the past that you can recall you’ve been in dangerous and fatal situations with Winter not bothering to interfere in favor of moving forward with the mission himself. Since the dynamic is in stone and clear for both of you. You are the emotionless weapon to him, too weak and slow to be a Winter Solider, yet still valuable in serving as his weapon. Meant to be used just as one would use a gun, something that can be discarded and replaced. Not a person but a thing, that was the sacrifice you were told you had to make to serve both Winter and Hydra.

     Your life didn’t matter, so why did he save you?  There are already other Shadow Soldiers lined up to replace you, he knows this.

     Running in circles going over this in your head scrambling to try and make sense of the burst of emotion that is throbbing inside of you fresh and raw. Hope, guilt, worry, confession and anger are stones that have been casted into an otherwise still lake. And now you’re dealing with the aftermath of the disruptive ripples.

     You need him to explain his action with logic to remove any impossible sentiment that you could possibly find in his actions. Winter needs to clear destroy the ridiculous idea that he wanted to save you into that he only came to your aid simply because you are needed elsewhere. And that the only reason he isn’t chewing you out is because in face of the injury your ‘plan’ succeed. That had to be it. The first part is illogical, because you are replaceable even so it’s a feeble excuse that you would readily buy.

     “You are more valuable than I am.” Silence. It was a pointless statement and a weak attempt to get him to say something.

     Setting the small towel down and picking up the needle as you glance up at him to discover that he is already watching you. Those icy blue eyes holding a hint of grey to them as a fuzzy memory starts to buzz softly in the back of your mind painfully. Fighting to shove it back down as you drop the needle and clutch your aching head. As the damn buzzing turns into a shrill ringing that threatens to shatter you eardrums as it drowns out all other sound.

     Neither Bucky nor You are allowed any pillows in the small cell they have you locked up in. Which is why he has been using your lap to rest on after getting shoved back in here. Anytime one of you returns torn, bloody and bruised there are no words one could offer the other and with interactions between Bucky and You limited this is one of few feeble forms of comfort either of you can offer. Allowing the other to sleep as peaceful as they are able on the other’s lap.

     By now your back is aching from switching between slouching and leaning back against the cement wall. And your knees are screaming out for any sort of movement. But the sight of Bucky sleeping comfortably, peacefully for the first time in you can’t even tell. Has it been days, weeks or even months? Everything blends together into incohesive mess where this is. In the face of that none of your physical pain matters when he is getting some well needed rest. You could stretch out and wonder over to your bed for some sleep once he got up. Clinging to his thought as you try and keep your eyes open.

     Try as you might your exhaustion is winning as you slump awkwardly over him with your eyes closing with the refusal to open. You couldn’t fall asleep in the same bed as him, the punishment that both or one of you would receive for sleeping in the same bed together. The urgency to stay awake and the fear of invoking their anger is snuffed out him the weight of being utterly and thoroughly tired. You can’t stay awake any longer.

     A hand clamps around your wrist as you bolt up straight and glance around the room expecting to see soldiers and scientists that are about to drag you out for another one of their experiments with that serum. But you see nothing as you freeze and darkness closes in as fat tears roll down your cheeks. Your paralyzed in the darkness waiting. Unable to react as a weight lifts off your lap and two hands cup your cheeks, one warm and rough the other smooth, cold and metal?

     A metal hand!! Panic shots through you as you want to jerk away from the hand being held against you out of fear of what pain it could inflict. That’s when two arms wrap around you and pull you onto a lap as you try to struggle against whoever it could be. When two soft lips graze yours that you realize there is only one person who would do that even if he isn’t supposed to. Alarm trickles through you at the thought of what if someone catches him. He didn’t need to try this risk just to break you out of an episode.

     Relax in his arms as you turn away from his lips and break the kiss. Opting to nuzzle into him even though just this was pushing it and at any moment depending on the soldier that comes to check on him and you. You didn’t want to think about that right now but savor the feeling of being held and holding him because this could be the last time your ever that close to him this way. You steal seconds in his arms taking deep breaths of him before you shift out of his lap and glance into those blue eyes you adore. The only beautiful color in this gray world both of you are trapped in.

     Those blue eyes hold his pleas and concern that he is unable to vocalize. His pleas are that you’ll stay with him, and not slip into another episode where you can end up harming him or yourself. You don’t want to slip away from him either, you don’t want to hurt him and  the time you get with him as been dwindling rapidly. This little bit of time doesn’t need to be spent being held down by him as you struggle and scream. While he tries to break through to you by talking to calm you down.

     “Why aren’t you saying anything?” Keeping your voice low as guilt stirs in his eyes as the realization that since he has been back he hasn’t spoken a single word. His voice must have given from screaming too much again. And now he was feeling guilty about it. Staring at him with wide eyes,

     “Don’t you dare feel guilty over this. Don’t you fucking dare.” The corner of his lips twitch up as he leans forward resting his forehead against yours and his nose brushes against yours. You know what he is silently asking for permission for. Both of you need to steal just another moment together, it was the only thing that kept both of you fighting. And you knowing that Bucky was fighting for ten years before you were kidnapped and brought here. In here these stolen moments with each other.

     Leaning in closer, the cell door slams open. Springing off the bed and to the other side of the small cell. It’s too late as they lift a gun and fire a tranquilizer at Bucky and another one into your arm. Both of you slumping over on your beds unable to move as you staring across the cell at Bucky where he sits slouched. His long hair falling forward an hiding his face from you.

     “I know the two of you have become rather close and for that we thank you.” The solider speaks as he walks to your bedside. Grabbing you by the hair and jerking your body off and holding you up with your feet touching the ground. But in you paralyzed state your unable to support yourself as you weight of your body acts with gravity and your head starts to throb with fiery agony.

     “You see we picked you knowing that the two of you would hit it off despite the circumstances. Something that we could use against our Winter Solider to break him quicker, there was also the added benefit of experimenting with you.” Another solider shoves Bucky against the wall so that through long locks of hair he can see you. Helpless to do anything but watch as they drag you away for another one of their sessions. But instead the solider starts talking, amusement oozing from his voice.

     “You see you most definitely don’t remember but princess you started to break a long time ago. With every episode that we catch you in all we have to do is lead you into our Doctor’s work room and you set to work on him.” The solider chuckles, a sound that writhes underneath your skin like maggots eating away at your still living body. Staring into Bucky’s eyes trying to find the lie in the man’s words. You couldn’t have been one  of those hurting him. The thought of your chest tightening and your stomach churn as the contents of your stomach threatens to come up.

     “He never blamed you for it of course, “after all it wasn’t you” as he would claim. But at the end of the day it’s still by your hands that he suffered. Why do you think he can’t speak right now? That was all your doing!” You want to beg him to stop as memories of what you’ve done to Bucky come flooding into your head threatening to shatter you mind at any moment. But It’s pain that you feel you deserve for what you’ve done.

     “Look at her already breaking for us completely, before you go listen to this. Remember this moment, let this moment come bursting forth and destroy you one day replaceable solider.” Pulling your face closer to his, you keep your eyes on Bucky wishing that you could at least say sorry. But just saying sorry could never make up for that, there is nothing you can do to make up for what you’ve done.

     “He is prone to these episodes too, not as much as you are but during those episodes we have him do the very same to you.” Bucky’s eyes widen as a sickening horror. You want to tell him that it’s not his fault it wasn’t him as you struggle against the burst of memories that break past the dam of the pain he was forced to inflict on you. Of the amount of times he has shattered your bones with that metal hand of his or even come close to snapping your neck with it.

     The memories are playing out on his face, breaking Bucky apart from the inside bit by bit till his eyes are hollow and empty of emotion. Rejecting everything that he is remembering that was the last sight you saw as you slip under a smothering blanket of darkness and you feel your body hit the cold and hard floor.

     “Look at that, the very bond they believed kept them going is the very one that broke them both. Now Captain I present to you, your soldiers. I hope one day if one of them is to remember something they remember how they broke each other.”

     Opening your mouth to call out his name, to scream for him but your voice dies in your throat. The name on the tip of your tongue shriveling up and you can’t remember what happened. The wave of pain that came with the now foggy memory is fading rapidly as you discover you are leaning against the wall far from the bed. Your nails about to break off your fingers from how hard you digging them into an unyielding floor. Freezing in your actions to note that you’ve been crying as you lift a hand to wipe away salty tears.

     Looking up to see him sitting up on the edge of the bed. His fists clenched tight enough that you can hear the metal one creak. It’s harsh remembrance of his wound and the pain he is putting himself through sitting up as you bolting up and forgetting yourself. Closing the gap between him and you, you falter as you notice the way he drinks in your every movement and the way he watches you. Like the very sight of you is torturous, as if the one the in the world that you need is dangling right in front of him but he can’t never have it. But each and every time you get close its slips through your fingertips. That agony is held in his eyes as you place your hand over his rapidly pounding heart with the intention to give a light push to urge him to lay down. But instead you freeze, standing still with your hand over his heart. Taking in how it races and the warmth of his skin.

     You can’t look him in the eyes anymore, ripping your gaze away and focus on where your hand rests on his chest. Shock sparking inside you as he leans forward into it and he reaches out for you. Coming close as you feel his fingertips brush your hips before he jerks his hand back and lays down. With that you shove down everything that has happened, refusing to give it any more focus as you set to work on the gash on his side.

     Finishing up you lean forward with the intention of kissing the area close to his wound. As a small sign of affection that feels familiar, yet forbidden. Like you’ve done this in the past despite not being allowed to. It’s an action you done follow through. Instead you turn your attention to the medical supplies around you and start gathering them. Ignoring how he is watching you, not wanting to see his face after you came close to kissing your superior so casually.

     Ripping yourself away from his bedside and stealing a brief peek at him. Discovering lost and wistfulness dancing in his eyes. In that moment you curse the mask covering his face hiding the rest of his expressions from you. While playing around with the possibly that he could have wanted you to kiss him as you walk over to the duffle bag. Seconds later it’s an idea you refuse to entertain any longer as you put the supplies back into their spot and shove the bag underneath the desk and out of the floor.

     Standing up and catching sight of him in the mirror attached to the desk. Another wave attacks you viciously, lacking the buildup that the first wave had. Grabbing the edge of the desk and doubling over, it’s all you can do to keep from falling over. You have no choice but to endure being bombarded with waves of salty kisses, a name that you can’t fully grasp that you can hear being groaned, whimper and screamed out in a voice so similar to yours. There are thick heavy arms that you can almost feel with a light tingle of a ghostly touch, bringing with it comfort that has you melting.

     B-uc-ky.

     The name is dancing on the tip of your tongue. It’s something that you sure if you spoke aloud you’d would be able to understand why it’s scratching on the inside of your skull. It’s in your efforts to understand that you discover something else. Those scraps of memories of him and you. Of the man standing behind you, when did he get behind you?

     Turning around to face the man that you apparently have more history with than you know. Placing a hand on his arm, the plates shift as he tilts his head to the side. The feel of the cool, smooth metal is tugging on something horrible within you, something that threatens to rip through you should you reach down and drag it out of the depths. But you can’t seem to stop them from bubbling forth.

     Lifting his hands up and cupping your cheeks, silently pleading with you to stay with him. You jump at the sound of a cell door slamming open as you realize that sound came from within your mind. You don’t understand why you have to tell yourself that your safe, that your free. Safe from what, free form what? Where were you that you needed to be safe and free from? These questions leading you back to the one that started it all,

     “Why did you take the hit?” but you can’t stop there, “Why did you save me? Why can’t you let me go?” Confusion greets you after your last question. While pain and guilt arises in his eyes from it. That question comes from a place you can’t compared but something that he seems to. It’s something that he stays silent about.

     Reaching up and running your fingertips along his cheeks till you reach the edge of the mask. Giving him time to pull away or to tell you to stop. H leans forward, it’s a small action that has you spilling what you remember.

     “Why do I remember kissing you, being held by you and us…” your words falter. Easing the mask off and tossing it to the side. His lips are set into a hard line and the look in his eyes conveys that he remembers it too. Perhaps remembering more than you do?

     Within seconds of the mask being gone he is stepping closer to you. His hands dropping from your cheeks to hips as the distances between the both of you shrinks  but doesn’t vanish completely. You can feel the heat coming off from his body now giving you chills at how close he is. Which is clearly having an effect on him too as he digs his fingers into your hips like at any moment someone will break through the door and rip you away from him. It’s something both of you wait for.

     “I need you.” The three words rush past his lips, but it’s not the type of need that you wish he would have said. He didn’t need to tell you that, he needs to break whatever this is and explain that he only saved you because you are in need for future mission. He shouldn’t need you, but the words have already been spoke and they carve themselves into you.

     Why did you take the hit? Why did you save me? Why can’t you let me go?

     I need you.

     Therein lies another problem being that you need him too, so much it fucking hurts.

     “I never meant to hurt you,” the words stir up something in you as the response comes rushing out before you can give it any thought.

     “That wasn’t you,” You don’t why you say what you did, but your words bring him some relief. And at your confession he closes the space between you, lightly pressing his body against yours. While being mindful of his stitches yet craving to be close to you that he can’t seem to stop himself. And you can’t find it in yourself to pull away and chastise him for it. Being close to him is like that first breath into starving lungs as you break through the water’s surface.

     Placing your hand on his chest, above his heart to feel it pound underneath your hand. Leaning down his nose grazes yours as you hold your breath in anticipation. It’s ok to kiss him isn’t it? It can be a secret between the two of you, something you share when no other eyes are upon.

     Your heart is racing in your chest as wrap your arms around his neck and stumble back against the desk. His hands slip down to your thighs as you jump up on the desk and wrap your legs loosely around his waist.

     The door opens as Sargent Ross enters the room, both of you having been too distracted with one another to pay attention to someone picking the lock. Winter doesn’t pull away from you instead squeezing your thighs as he lowers his and nuzzles it into your neck even has soldiers fill up the room. He refuses to let you go.

     “Hydra has ignored the last time both of you had this break in character. But it seems that it’s doom to repeat it’s self as long as one troubling factor remains.” His words pour ice into you veins as you get the sneaking suspicion of what he means. That one of you is going to have to go and it’s not going to be him. You refuse to let it be him.

     Lightly pushing on his chest and hoping off the desk. He doesn’t stop you as you move towards the soldiers. As Sargent Ross takes out his gun and shoves it against the side of your head at an awkward angle.

     “Turn around and face your what was it you used to call him? Your Bucky? You love?” Doing as told as you stare into the eyes of someone who clearly once meant so much to you and still does. By the look on his face as he fights against what he is he needs to do and what he should do.

     “It seems your doll as steps up to the plate. It doesn’t matter anyhow which one of you did, that just means you are going to be sent on one last mission against Captain America alone. I think I would have taken her anyway, you are better suited to face off against the man than a defect like this one.” Stepping away and putting distance between him and you, taunting Bucky and giving him time and space to attack him, to stop him. Yet he stands there, his fists clenched at his sides. Watching you as you watch him, taking in the sight of your Bucky for the last time. There is this scary sense of calm that settles over you and you refuse to let the last expression he sees from you.

     Forcing a joyless smile as he watches with clenched fists and a tight expression. He wants to interfere to stop them but he knows that he has to see the next mission through. And that there isn’t a choice between which one of you goes even if it was displayed as such beforehand.  Taking in a deep breath at the finality of this, refusing to tell him goodbye but opting for

     “Enjoy some plums for me?” The pain doesn’t register as the bullet is fired tearing through your eye as you instantly crumble to the floor and darkness closes in.

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