Hi there love. So this isn't easy for me.. and I don't know if it ever will be easy. But I'm hoping that I can feel something again when I think of you. Because as of now I feel nothing and I don't want to feel nothing. I want to be able to think of your smile and your laugh and smile too. But instead, this wall comes in front of my thoughts and I can't process anything. If that makes any sense.. I'm thankful I got to see you that Friday night.. even though you showed up when more than half of my party was already asleep. I was sad when you had to go but I'm glad I got to see you for those 2 hours. After you had left around 4 am, some friends and I wanted Waffle House so we decided to go. And you ended up being there. I had joked around that I was mad that you had left my party for Waffle House but I'm happy that you were there. It's like god knew I needed that little more time with you. I needed that last picture with you so I could cherish it forever. On Saturday I was so hungover. I was so hungover that I could barely move. And you had texted me to come party with you again at your brothers. I had said maybe but in the back of my mind I knew I would be too tired. Damnit why didn't I go. I believe that everything happens for a reason. But why this? I had gone to bed that Saturday night not having a clue what was happening. And at 4 am while I was sound asleep in my bed. You were driving drunk. God I am so mad at you. Why did you do that. Why didn't you stay at your brothers. Why didn't you call me. Call your mom. Call someone. To this day, I am so confused on where you were going and what were you thinking. I had texted you when I woke up.. "what are you doing" I waited all day for that text.. thinking you were just sleeping while hungover. And that whole day I went thinking you were just sleeping. Around 2 pm, I found out you had died. Dead. You're not here anymore. I'm so mad and so hurt that you were taken from me. I feel like a part of me was taken when you died. A part of me is bitter. A part of me is scared. A part of me is numb. And that's because I can't hear your voice anymore. I can't come over to your house and cuddle up in your bed anymore and hear you talk about anything and everything. That I can't have smoking sessions and drive no where while singing on the top of our lungs. I miss you so much and I will continue to miss you everyday. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you becoming my friend in 7th grade. I love you. And I forgive you. We all make mistakes. I'm sorry I just couldn't stop it.
jacobvanloon
