CMSM

"What if we can't live up to the expectations" It's been a year since Maggie had spoken those words to Sydney and what a year it's been. Maggie's moved to London, gone back to school, been re-certified and now works in one of the best hospitals in the world.

But that comment, that fear, had nothing to do with what Maggie could or couldn't achieve as a person or doctor. No that comment had to do with Sydney Katz, the beautiful red head asleep in her lap. Maggie gently runs her fingers through Sydneys hair, the light from the afternoon sun makes it almost glow. Expectations, Maggie smiles, I had no idea, not in my wildest dreams could I have expected this life we now have.

It's funny Maggie thought, she and Sydney had known each other for three years when they got together, but other then actually working together or the odd day off here and there they really hadn't spent a lot of time together. First it was all about learning and trying to become a doctor. Then it was about helping and supporting Sydney as she came to grips with who she was. Then it was the leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back thing.

But being with Sydney, really being with her had been, well, magic. Maggie smiled down at her doctor with the Israeli disposition. Maggie knew Sydney could be a passionate doctor, but that was nothing compared to the passion Sydney had for Maggie. It was like an electricity between them, and it only took the slightest spark to ignite not just physically, although that was pretty mind blowing, but in all aspects of their life. Maggie had to laugh to her self about all the times someone at the hospital had treated her like a dumb intern while she was trying to get her recertification. God help them if Sydney was within ear shot. It was never overbearing or out of line, but it was direct and skillful. No one was allowed to treat Maggie with anything but respect. It was a protectiveness that Maggie had never felt before.

What Maggie found most unexpected and amazing was Sydney's romantic side. Sydney was endlessly showing her love for Maggie in everyday, small, intimate ways. Maggie never thought of Sydney as a romantic or PDA kind of person and mostly she wasn't, only with Maggie. It was nothing for them to be walking along and Sydney take her hand and hold it for hours. Or kiss Maggie's cheek when they met up expectedly or unexpectedly. How she always kissed Maggie on the lips to say thank you whenever Maggie did something thoughtful for her. Sydney's habit of ideally play with Maggie's fingers when waiting for something, or randomly kissing Maggie's hand if she was holding it for whatever reason. All these little, subtle, subconscious things that Maggie never really thought she needed, but made her feel safe, warm, loved and happy.

Even more amazing was how Maggie found herself reciprocating that romantic vibe. Something she never really did before. Maggie always had this overwhelming need to touch Sydney and not just in a sexual way. They could be just walking, standing, sitting, talking. There was never a moment when Maggie didn't want to make physical contact with Sydney. Walking arm in arm, sitting side by side, legs and arms touching. Head or hand on shoulder while looking at something. Again not overly sexual, just subtle. Like magnets that didn't, or couldn't stay separated when near, Maggie smiled.

She also found herself taking care of Sydney, well not "taking care of" exactly, but more of an effertles knowledge of if Sydney was ok. At any party or function Maggie was always aware of where Sydney was and if she was ok. It was like a sixth sense. Maggie could just as easily know to bring Sydney a refill on her drink, as save her from a boring conversation. It was something she never experienced with any of her other lovers or partners. But it was so natural with Sydney. That mythical two haves of a whole, that Maggie never believe in, but now did.

Sydney shifted a bit in Maggie's lap. She had worked a double yesterday due to a baby that was just not in a hurry to come out and see the world. Maggie ran her fingers lightly over Sydneys cheek and watched as she smiled in her sleep. Their life hadn't been perfect this past year, but their bond had been. They had issues finding a place to live, figuring out what Maggie needed to do to get re-certified, they had a few heated "discussions" on how to decorate their flat. But all of it had been pretty easy. The one thing Maggie thought would be hard, deciding how Sydney wanted to "deal" with their relationship in public was totally nipped in the butt day one when Sydney genuinely surprised Maggie by introducing her to her new boss as her partner. Maggie had to smile to herself once again and thank Israel for allowing Sydney the time and space to become who she was meant to be. The shy women of four years ago had been firmly replaced by the strong, confident, loving women she was today.

Maggie wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there just letting her mind wonder when she jumped at fingers gently touch her hair. "Yeah" Sydney said quietly. "What is that smile for" gently traced Maggie's cheek. "Thoughts of us" Maggie leaned into the caress. "Ah" Sydney studied Maggie seriously for a moment "Any regrets" she whispered softly. "None" Maggie responded instantly, leaning down to kiss her. "Happy Anniversary love" Maggie whispered as she pulled away. "Happy Anniversary" Sydney smiled. Sydney played with Maggie's hand for a few moments then looked up "You know I never had any exasperation about my life other then being a good doctor. That was the only thing I knew I could control. Anything more I gave up on until I met you. After that my expectations slowly started to shift and change, until the moment I walked into my sisters hospital room. It was like a burst of life right before my eyes and I couldn't dull the light of it. The light of you. You were the person who gave light to what was going to be a very dark existence." Sydney kissed Maggie's hand. "When you asked me what would happen if we couldn't live up to the expectations, it never really phased me because we had already exceeded mine."

“I’m not going anywhere without you” plays in Maggie’s head. She smiles to herself as she watches Sydney sleep. When she woke up yesterday she never guessed she would wake up like this today. Wrapped around Sydney, or more to the point, Sydney wrapped around her.

Yesterday had been a whole kaleidoscope of emotions. Alex’s mothers memorial ended up being a strange mix of sad and hopeful. Maggie looks down at the redhead sleeping peacefully in her arms. “Mostly hopeful for me” Maggie smile to herself as she runs her fingers lightly through Sydney’s hair.

Maggie had laid her head on Sydney’s shoulder as they watched the fire works. She hadn’t really thought too much about it until she felt Sydney return the gesture by kissing her temple before leaning her head on Maggie’s. Maggie realized that from the moment they had kissed on the path she hadn’t let Sydney leave her side or even her grasp for more then a few of seconds, but she also noted that Sydney had been doing the same thing. Maybe they were both just a little afraid to let go in case it was all just a dream.

As the night wore on everyone had ended up just enjoying the evening. Talking, laughing, just being together. But soon people started to leave and Maggie hadn’t been sure what her next move should be with Sydney, but Sydney never wavered. She took Maggie’s hand as they walked to their cars bringing Maggie to a stop. Maggie leaned in for a kiss which Sydney happily obliged. When they parted Sydney whispered “follow me to my place?” Maggie had just smiled and shook her head yes.

Once in the apartment Sydney put down her bag and keys on the small bar separating the kitchen and the living room. Maggie watched her closely as she turned to look at her. Sydney seemed to start from her feet and slowly move up until her eyes met Maggie’s. Once there Maggie felt the pull of those eyes just like the first time, but this time there was no sadness, only passion. Maggie moved into Sydney and took her face gently in her hands. Softly smoothing her thumb over her cheek as she lowered her lips to Sydney’s.

The kiss was slow and deep. Maggie felt Sydney’s hands slide around her waste and pull her closer. It all felt the same and yet different from the first time. Maggie slowly pulled way and smiled down at Sydney. The shy women of the past was replaced with the self assured women of today. Maggie found herself enchanted by this new Sydney just as much as the old one. Sydney ran her hands from Maggie’s back to her stomach, looking deep into her eyes. Maggie put her hands over Sydney’s and encouraged her. Slowly moved them up her body. Sydney delicately removing her shirt and let it drop to the floor as she ran her hands over Maggie’s shoulders and down her collarbone. Maggie watched as Sydney eyes roamed her body. Something she never had the courage to do the first time. Sydney eyes met Maggie’s “You are so beautiful” she whispered. “So are you” Maggie whispered back as she lifted Sydney’s shirt over her head and brought they’re body’s together. Maggie felt like she was drowning. All the memories from the first time came flooding back, making her head spin a bit. All the emotions of the present making her body burn with a passion that she knew only Sydney’s touch would cool. 

Sydney had taken Maggie’s hand and lead her to the bedroom where they had spent the night kissing, touching, exploring each other. Body, mind and soul. Exchanging quite whispers, heart felt tears and small giggles. Three years had been a long time to wait and want, but Maggie knew it was worth every second to be in this moment.

“Hello everyone we’re ready to start boarding for flight 823 to London Heathrow please have your boarding passes ready. First Class and award members may board at this time.”

Sydney sat quietly starring down at her boarding pass, her head was spinning. “Did you seriously think it was going to be easy to just walk away AGAIN” she chastised herself. “You’re seriously going to do this again knowing full well what the result will be. You have spent 3 years thinking of nothing else but Dr Maggie Lin…every moment of everyday since she walked into your life grumpily looking for the "real doctor”. Wanting nothing else but her by your side not just personally, but professionally"’

Looking up Sydney try’s to watch the TV on the wall in front of her gate, trying to push all thoughts out of her head, but it’s no use. “You really think knowing everything you’ve already been through that you can just push her out of your mind, out of your heart and move on with your life? Who are you kidding? There wasn’t a day that went by in Tel Vive when she wasn’t in your thoughts. All those nights you laid awake replaying every smile, every touch, every conversation over and over in your head. The countless number of times at work you wished she was just a page away so you could seek her advice about a patient or case. You want to work at all the best hospitals, but do you really want to do it without Dr Maggie Lin? Really!?” Sydney look out the window at the plane sitting at the end of the jet-way.

“All passengers are welcome to board at this time for flight 823 to London Heathrow”

Sydney looked back down at the boarding pass in her hand. “Don’t kid yourself Sydney and don’t be a martyr either. Telling yourself that if she wanted to be with you she would be here now. YOU pushed her away. YOU told her not to come. YOU didn’t even give her a chance. Just like you always do. Just like you promised her you wouldn’t. ”“I’m not going anywhere without you”“ Isn’t that what you said to her?”

Sydney watch as the last passengers entered the jet bridge to board the plane. Listening to the beep of each boarding pass put under the scanner.  "Maggie doesn’t have to pass some test" Sydney’s mind argued. “She has always, always been there. She has always let you in. She has always loved you and you know it. She may not have said the words out loud, but you know it’s true. She has proved it every moment of every day for the last month. Be honest, for the last 3 years.” Sydney looked back out at the plane “ with every smile, every look, every touch, every kiss. They have always been filled with a love you never even imagined was possible” her heart whispered.

“Final boarding call for flight 823 to London Heathrow all passengers should be on board at this time”

Sydney takes one last look at the boarding pass in her hand. Exhaling she crumpets it up. Slinging her computer bag over her head and tugging her suitcase Sydney gets up and starts to walk towards the airport exit. “"I’m not going anywhere without you”“ her mind whispers.

As Sydney weaves her way thought the airport crowd she wars with herself about what her next step is going to be. She’s pretty sure Maggie isn’t going to be greeting her with open arms. "The last time she found the thought of being with you paralyzingly. Imagine what she’s going to feel after you did EXACTLY what you promised you wouldn’t…Moron!” Sydney shook her head trying desperately to clear her mind. She needed to figure out what she was going to do if Maggie wouldn’t talk to her, wouldn’t see…Sydney stops dead in her tracks. Instantly taken out of her musings by the women standing just a few feet away. The women looking at the flight information board clutching an envelope. Sydney watches as the women close her eyes tightly and drops her head in what Sydney knows is frustration.

“She came” Sydney thought. “YES, She came…She Loves You!”  her mind screamed and heart pounded. As Sydney looks at Maggie her only thought is this women is her life, this women gave her life. From the first moment she laid eyes on her this women she had brought Sydney a peace, a calm, a strength that nothing else ever had. A strength to be who she was meant to be, not just personally, but professionally. This women had made her the person she was, the person that hospitals wanted to hire, the person Sydney was so proud to be. Standing in front of her was the person, the only person, Sydney wanted to be that person with. All the stress, anger, frustration, and sadness melted at the site of this women, not just today, but everyday. Sydney smiled to her self remembering another time that she had thought that same thing three years ago “and yet somehow you do”. Back then Sydney didn’t understand, or maybe wasn’t ready to understand, but today she knew. She knew that there wasn’t anyone or anything else as important to her as Dr Maggie Lin and no matter what happened next, she knew it would be amazing because it would be with Maggie and that alone was amazing.

"I like you" Maggie thought as she watched Sydney quietly, letting her speak in her own time. "There, I said it" Sydney said as she looked at Maggie almost helplessly. As Sydney took a step forward Maggie couldn't help but reach for her. Every since that first kiss all Maggie had wanted was to kiss Sydney again. The pull was almost overwhelming as she gently held Sydney's face in her hands and leaned in to kiss her. Maggie had kissed may people but nothing, no one had ever felt like this. The emotions she felt, the emotions she wanted Sydney to feel with every touch of their lips, it was like nothing she had ever experienced or wanted before.

As she felt Sydney's hand on her neck and her mouth opening to deepen the kiss Maggie couldn't help herself. Her hands drift down Sydney's body and tugged at her shirt. Once Maggie's fingertips felt Sydney's skin she spread her hands across the small of her back and slid them up and around to bring Sydney closer. She felt Sydney hand run down her arm and she though for a moment Sydney might stop her, but instead she encourage her gently and brought her hand back up to caress Maggie’s face as they continued to kiss. The pull was just so intense Maggie was almost breathless.

Maggie pulled away gently to look into Sydney's eyes. Sydney continued to caress her cheek and look at her, almost like she was trying to memorize ever detail of Maggie's face. Maggie pulled Sydney close so that the length of their bodies were fitted together. She ran her hands gently up Sydney's bare back to the clasp of her bra and undid it. Sydney eyes never left Maggie's and her hands never left her face. Maggie leaned in and kiss her gently then withdrew stepping back just slightly to remove her own shirt. Skillfully removing her top and bra in one move. She wanted to make sure she opened herself to Sydney first, before she asked Sydney to do the same. She wanted nothing more then to make this moment as beautiful and safe as it could be for Sydney, for her, for whatever uncontrollable force was bringing them together.

Sydney stood just a few inches way and the hands that were once touching Maggie's face and arm hovered in the air. Sydney's eyes slowly started to roam Maggie's body and her hands started to tremble. Maggie gently reached up and took them, slowly placing them back on her body. Sydney looked up into Maggie's eyes with wonder and Maggie gently smiled and shook her head to encourage Sydney to touch her as much as she wanted. Looking down Sydney softly started to let her hands roam, First tracing Maggie's collar bones, then running softly down her sides and across her stomach. She paused for a moment then slowly started moving up to Maggie’s breast. As her hands came in contact with them Sydney looked up at Maggie and slowly moved in to kiss her. Her hands caressing Maggie’s breast as her tongue caressed her lips. Maggie slid her arms around Sydney and tugged at her shirt again. They parted slightly and Sydney raised her arms as Maggie lifted her shirt and bra over her head and off her body. As the shirt left her body Sydney brought her hands down to rest on Maggie's shoulders. Maggie leaned in to kiss her sliding her hands down Sydney's back as she let the garments drop to the floor, pulling Sydney softly to her. Once again making the length of their bodies meet, but this time it was skin to skin and Sydney moaned into her mouth and slid her arms around Maggie, pulling them tighter together.

They stayed like that for awhile. Kissing, caressing, feeling, Maggie just wanted to go as slowly as possible. Savoring every moment. Letting Sydney feel every detail of what true passion and emotion could be. Maggie never imagined she could want something so badly. But here she was not thinking of anything else but making Sydney feel loved, wanted, cherished. Slowly Maggie turned them and started to lay Sydney down on the bunk she had been laying on when Sydney came in. She watched Sydney's eyes for any sign that she was frightened or having second thoughts, but she saw none of that as Sydney's head softly fell onto the pillow and her hand came up to caress Maggie's face. Maggie kissed her palm and then stood to remove the rest of her clothes. Sydney watched her in awe. Maggie could see her start to tremble again. She leaned over to lock the door before moving to the bed to lay beside Sydney. Sydney moved slightly to give her room propping her self up on her elbow to kiss her as Maggie ran her hand down Sydney’s side. She let Sydney's eyes roam her body for a moment and then gently slid her hand under Sydney's pants and down her hip. Maggie let it sit there for a moment just making lazy circles as Sydney eyes met hers again. With a small but painfully shy smile Sydney knotted her head giving Maggie permission to continue. Maggie leaned forward and kissed Sydney slowly rolling her over onto her back. Pulling back she gently removed to rest of Sydney's clothes. 

Once she was done she moved back up Sydney's body and hovered over her for a moment. Again Sydney had such awe in her eyes it almost hurt. Maggie ducked her head and kissed Sydney quickly, then pulled back to watch Sydney's face she fit their naked body's together for the first time. Sydney arched her back and slid her armed around Maggie pulling her as close as possible, burying her face into her neck. The feel of Sydney's body was mesmerizing. Soft, smooth, silky, Maggie had never felt anything like it. She pulled back a little and gently brought Sydney's face up so she could look into her eyes. She saw a bit of sadness, a bit of awe, and a lot of passion. Sydney surged up and kissed Maggie with a force she never expected. Maggie couldn't control herself. Her fingers, hands, lips, tongue, were everywhere at once. It was a dance she had never experienced even though she was suppose to be the experienced one. It felt ancient, raw, beautiful, and magical all at once. It was like electricity and feathers, water and wind. Maggie had had sex before, but nothing like this. Nothing this deep, this emotional. It was scary and calming all at the same time.

When it was over Sydney laid in her arms quietly. Her hand making soft circles on Maggie's stomach. "Are you alright" Maggie whispered. Almost afraid to speak as not to scare Sydney. Sydney didn't answer, she slowly raised her head from Maggie's shoulder and started to slide her body on top of hers, bringing her leg around and straddling Maggie. "You are beautiful" Maggie whispered as she let her eyes roam over Sydney's naked body, resting her hands on Sydney's thighs. Sydney slowly slid her hands up Maggie's torso and knelt down until she was hovering just above her. With her eyes locked onto Maggie's she leaned in and gently kissed her lips. Pulling back slightly she spoke for what Maggie realized was the first time since they kissed. "Yes" Sydney whispered and then leaned in and started to kiss Maggie's neck, slowly making her way down her body. Maggie felt herself being worshiped. Sydney touching, kissing, caressing every inch of her. She knew this time Sydney was memorizing her. Every inch of her. Maggie closed her eyes as she felt a tear slip down her cheek. Lips softly kissed it away, but she kept her eyes closed. She didn't want to see what was in Sydney's eyes. She knew it wouldn't be what she wanted. So she just let herself melted into Sydney's touch. Let her do what she wanted to, needed to do. Letting right now be enough for both of them. Feeling soft lips touch hers, Maggie reached up and ran her fingers through Sydney's hair, gently deepened the kiss and encouraging her not to stop because right now WAS all that mattered.

"I want to find out if we can be something" plays again and again in Maggie's head as she walks slowly down the hall.

Sydney Katz...Sydney Katz is back and with a bang. Why does she do this to me. "I want to find out if we can be something". Oh Sydney, we are something, but what?

Maggie walks into the on call room and sits on one of the beds in the back. This is her place. She comes here when life seems to be throwing her for a loop and well today IS one of those days. "I want to find out if we can be something" plays again. Sydney leaning in to kiss her with that smile on her face. That smile that Maggie has dreamed about so many times. Those lips that are so soft and inviting that they haunt Maggie daily.

Sydney Katz...Maggie never thought when she woke up today that she would come face to face with Sydney Katz or those lips or that smile or those words. But this was Maggie's life and she had come to understand that anything is possible when she starts a new day.

Maggie lays back on the bed and just stares up into space. Every moment with Sydney Katz plays in her mind. Every lesson taught, every case worked on, every scan looked at, every smile shared, every touch, every kiss, every caress, every whisper, every breath, and a night she watched it all walk out the door.

The buzz of her phone brings Maggie back to the present. Blowing out a breath and sitting up she looks down at her phone. Alex...Alex needed her. Jumping up from the bed Maggie takes off out the door. This was something she didn't need to think twice about. This was second nature.

****

Maggie watches Sydney walk out of the lounge. This was NOT how she imagined her second conversation going with Sydney. But then again she hadn't really imagined a second conversation at all. She had put it out of her mind. She had ignored it in hopes that the answer would just come to her. Actually if she was honest, the answer had just come to her, she was just too afraid to admit it to herself. Putting down her coffee cup Maggie starts after Sydney.

****

Ugh! Maggie leans back on the elevator wall watching the numbers go by. Well the third meeting didn't really go as planed either. But at least Sydney didn't slap her or tell her to go to hell. No she did what she always did, she began where Maggie ended. From the first time they met, the first case they worked. Where Sydney's thought ended, Maggie's began. Where Maggie's idea started, Sydney's finished. Every thought, every sentence, every touch, every kiss...two became one. How is that possible, two people so different, yet so in sync. As the elevator doors open Maggie looks up and out into the ER, a thought for another time...It’s time to be a Doctor.

****

"Have a little faith in me" Oh Sydney if you only knew Maggie thought as they walked through the emergency room. Maggie trying desperately not to look at Sydney directly as they talk with their patent, but here they are again, two becoming one. Working, being, breathing, together. Teacher and student, friend and lover, the one who left and the one who stayed behind. My faith has never wavered in you Sydney. My faith only wavers in myself. Can I be what you need? What you deserve? I can feel her eyes on me as I talk. I can see her head shake in acknowledgment with mine as we listen. Once again we move as one working the case, the problem, the solution. Funny how we can do this so effortlessly. Maybe faith isn't something I have to seek Maggie thinks as she watches Sydney explained the worse case scenario...maybe its something that just is with Sydney.    

****

What a crazy day Maggie thought as she listened to the birds, the water, the wind, and the footsteps of the women walking beside her. She wants to reach out and take her hand, but....But what? Today in all the chaos Maggie had been happy. She was on the verge of having to tell her best friend that she lost her dead mother's ashes, but she couldn't help being giddy, happy, almost peaceful. For days she has been feeling strangled, trapped, but today despite everything that was happening she was happy. Sydney Katz had been beside her. Good, bad, funny, sad...Sydney was there. Just her presents makes everything...better. For days Maggie had been trying to answer the question. "I want to find out if we can be something. I just need to know if you do too" It seemed like such an overwhelming question. But the truth is they are something, they are everything, and they have been since the day they met. We are two halves of a whole. We are...one.